Hurricane Cruella

As I've said before, I have been in a crazy amount of weddings, especially between the ages of 22-28. Most of the bridal parties have been fine to plan with, but there are some absolute crazies along with some straight up dumbasses that I've had to deal with. I've even been cursed out by a mother of the bride! That was fun to put down in the books, let me tell ya. Actually, I was going go into another event that happened recently, but now that I just relived that moment for a hot second and got a mini-panic attack again, I think I'll share the misery of that wedding.

This mess took place back in 2007. There were 3 of us from college that were really close; however, the bride only chose me as a b'maid (cause I'm the shit). This is her decision and that's fine, but she didn't bother to tell our other friend this, so of course it was left on MY shoulders when I had to tell her that I was asked to be in the wedding and she wasn't. That was strike 1, but we got through it.

The second strike came along, and I knew it was going to be a rough road, when the bride was blackmailed into having her BEAST of a sister as her maid of honor, rather than her best friend (who rocks). Just to give you an idea of how Cruella (the beast sister) operated, she told her own sister that she refused to be a bridesmaid or show up at the wedding if she was not the crowned the maid of honor. This girl was dead serious. This is also the same sister that told the bride that her engagement ring was "so not her." These two were not close AT ALL. She was known to be a beast at all times, so we were all scared to death when we found this out. At the time, Cruella lived in the city (lucky me) so she wanted to get together to go over a few things. I met up with her and her dud of a boyfriend, now fiance(naturally), and she basically had a pile of notes with her and made me a copy of it. How sweet. She also told me, during this lovely hour of my life that I will never get back, that she wanted me to let her know if she came across as rude or too demanding in her emails to the wedding party. I felt this was a good sign because she knew how I worked and that I'd flat out tell her what was up, so she must have been fine with that. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that there were several emails that went out to the entire bridal party (because obviously there had to be a damn co-ed shower on top of the regular bridal shower) that were beyond demanding. After one of these emails went too far, I shot her an email. It wasn't harsh in the least...I basically told her that she may want to rephrase her emails so that it looks like she's actually asking for our opinion on things, rather than just telling us what to do and how much we owe so that everyone doesn't freak out. One of the groomsman emailed her as well and said something similar.

The following result of these two emails that went to Cruella is what pushed me over the edge and finally made me not give a rat's patooty about anyone else's bullshit for the rest of my bridesmaid career (and there's a LOT of bullshit that I can tell you about). About 10 minutes after I send my constructive criticism to Cruella, I get an email from her mother. I hadn't even heard a word back from Cruella because apparently, she lied to me before and really didn't want me to keep her in line. Her mother's email said nothing but "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! YOU BETTER CALL ME RIGHT NOW!!! I'VE HAD IT!!" Ummm, side note - what mother talks to their daughter's friends like that? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?...Bueller? Just wondered. So I call her mother, ya know, in the middle of my work day, and in her nicest tone possible, without taking a breath says "WHAT THE HELL IS THE PROBLEM WITH YOU TWO?! I've read every email that Cruella has sent out and I think they are just fine. She's going through all this trouble to make sure everyone is happy and you guys are just fucking yelling at her. I'm really fucking pissed off. Cruella is being soo nice." Very classy, right? After I changed my undies, I explained to this woman that Cruella told me to keep her in check, I was just doing what she asked and if Cruella had an issue, then she could tell me. Then she spewed out something else and hung up the phone and within the next hour wrote an email to the other groomsman...apparently it was the meanest email ever written in history. Sooo wish I got to read that one, but oh well. Seriously though, WHAT MOTHER TALKS TO THEIR CHILD'S FRIENDS LIKE THAT?! To this day it shocks me. That's like 93 strikes or something. Needless to say, it was really fun to see her at the Jack n' Jill shower (people, please stop this stupid ass trend. it's just dumb, nobody thinks it's cute.) where she put on a lovely show because the bride knew none of this was going on.

The rest of the planning went pretty much the same, but I stopped giving Cruella any advice or opinions. Even when she handed all of us a binder that she had put together with a tasks page, ideas page, etc, I didn't say a word and played the perfect bridesmaid roll that I was born to play. Also, as this planning went on and I shared these horror stories with my other friend who got pushed to the side, somehow those two became friends again and she was at the wedding. Maybe it's because she witnessed all of my stress and panic attacks and was thankful as all hell to the bride for not making her suffer through this hell. Oh oh, wait...and to top everything off, I got stuck having an old hag do my hair for the actual wedding day and she made me look like Marge Simpson. Seriously, even my mom told me that I looked like Marge. You be the judge...here's a couple of pictures (obviously drink. in. hand.):

P.S. - If you can find a way to say "no" to being a bridal party that you know might be hell, do it!! ...and let me know what you come up with while you're at it.