2010 Has Come to an END!

You all love when my blog titles rhyme.

So, this year is finally over and we're moving on to 2011 - a.k.a. The Year of Laine. In 2011, I am not in any weddings, will be turning 30 and will be throwing a huge b'day bash for myself in Vegas (you are all invited). I'm considering that to be my wedding. Seriously.

Before I jump ahead, let's just go through some key points of 2010, shall we?

- First and foremost, I made one of my biggest lifetime dreams come true. I met 4 of the 5 members of Aerosmith, hung out with them backstage, got pictures and albums signed, and sat front row resting on the stage as Steven's microphone scarves hung down in my face. Enough said! (You can find details about that day here)

- I collected 2 more bridesmaids dresses for my friends to wear at my wedding - ya know, 27 Dresses style (i.e. - Vegas).

- The amount of first dates that I had this year is a little ridiculous. The amount of second dates I've had this year is even more ridiculous! Some were fun, but most were just somewhat shocking to me. Please refer to prior postings for more details - more specifically, "The Lumberjack" and/or "Captain Pansy" haaa

- Stemming from the last point...I was told about 400 times that "weddings are a great place to meet people" and that "you should try online dating." Get outta town!!? Really?!

- Got rid of Polly for good - he was way too toxic for me and my life is much better without him. Sigh of relief!

- I became a Godmother to my best friend's kiddie!

- Discovered the awesomeness of Iceland. Still want to move to Europe...

- Witnessed 4 more of my friends get married this year. One of those weddings was an American/Indian wedding which was flippin' fantastic! Two of them I was in the wedding party. Ms. Corningstone's was very care-free and we got to go on a cruise for her b-party! WOOT!

Most of Vespa's bridal party was a pain in the ass to be perfectly honest. I have not written about that yet, but WOW were a couple of her b'maids friggin' treats. In a nutshell, they barely lifted a finger to help me plan anything, were planning to bail on half the bachelorette party, and then had the nerve to tear me to shreds after I informed the bride (since that's the point of being a MOH) what the deal was. Long emails short - they told me that I was the worst MOH, that I caused all of the bride's stress, and accused me of basically being an alcoholic. Funny.

Their argument was that I had an issue with possibly spending $250 on a flippin' bridal shower venue (not including decorations or gifts) 3 months prior, and was now asking them to spend $150-$200 on a bachelorette party that included 2 meals, favors, a 6hr wine tour, transportation to and from, FREE hotel room and dinner (clearly my alcoholism planned this and had nothing to do with what the bride wanted). They decided to tell me last minute that they had an issue with that and were going to peace out for half of it. I could understand, if we had to drop the $250+ on a bridal shower, I obviously would've balanced it out. Want to know what the shower ended up costing? Like $75 each. Huge break. So, I planned TWO b-parties for Vespa- one with her sister and I and another with her co-workers. Both awesome nights and those b'maids were not involved in either. Cheers.

- I have decided to retire from bridal parties. (See above)

- Started writing this blog. Definitely have taken some heat for some of it, and maybe some was deserved but ya know what? I'm fine with that. I think it's interesting that certain people (both friends and dudes) think they can walk all over me and then get mad when I suddenly decide not to take it anymore. I'm having all sorts of fun with this and most of you seem to be entertained!

See ya 2010!!

Shit or Get Off The Pot

I was talking to my cousin earlier, who is also a single lady in the big city, like myself, and we were talking about our singlehood. The only difference between us is that she was always a relationship (like for real relationships...crazy, I know) kinda girl and never really "dated" while I have done nothing but date and have "semi-relationships." She's been single for awhile now and we were discussing how annoying dating is and how long it takes for something to warm up. I have to say...she could not have summed it up any better with these lines:

"I think sometimes us Italian family women have it hard because we don't really take shit and I think most girls do until a month in. A week in we're like..."listen..." and I think maybe it's intimidating.
I mean...alllllll guys ever say is that they want girls to tell them what they think and be straight forward instead of passive, but REALLY they want us to be passive and they want to complain about us."

Cuz...A-friggin-men to that! I recently experienced this trash again with a moron. This is a huuuuge story that deserves it's own book, but here it is in a nutshell...

LOVED the guy for years back in the day...we had our on moments where I thought things might finally happen and then either a bunch of stupid drama would go down or he'd just fall off earth for a couple months. We've stayed friends throughout the years and a couple months ago he started being all up in my shiz...asking when I'd be in town again, who I was dating, if I was hooking up, if he had another shot with me etc etc. This would happen almost every weekend so finally, I called him out. He told me he's been thinking about us dating a lot lately and that we make sense together, that he compares every girl he dates to me, etc etc. Basically, all the things I ever wanted to hear from him and all the things I SAID to him years ago that he disagreed with. Funny how that happens, huh?

I basically said that I'd consider it but that he had to majorly step it up considering all the crap he put me through and that he had to pretty much get me to like him again. A week goes by and I don't hear jack from him. I send him an email telling him every little thing that I expect from him and that sitting on his ass was not going to cut it. I already dealt with his crap once, so if he wanted me to consider him again, he had WORK to do.

The weekend passes by and I hear from him on Monday telling me that he doesn't think he can give me what I deserve right now. Uhhhh baking powder??? What the hell did he think that I was going to do when he brought all of this up in the first place? Drop everything in my life to run home thanking him?? Make all the effort myself while he sits on the couch? Wait around for a few more years until he grows the balls to make an effort? Sorry dude, I grew up.

Perfect example of these guys pissing and moaning that girls are soooo confusing. Meanwhile, I spell out in little kid wording what I want, and they go running. I think guys are much more confusing than I am. Not saying that I don't have my moments, but I know exactly what I want GD-it!

Cheers bitches.

Millions Shmillions

Why do people with loads of cash always think that they can treat people however they want and they will automatically worship them? I can see how that would be blinding to some people but not this girl, folks. NOT THIS GIRL! Let me explain this one evening I had.

A couple weeks ago at work, some of the big dogs there said that they were going to take me out for drinks with them. I had heard their happy hour/dinner stories before and they always intrigued me since most of the time they were out with random celebs and the most ridiculous things would go down. Needless to say, I was interested to see where this night was going to take me.

I'm walking out with 2 of the guys and I ask how we're getting to the restaurant and all they say to me is "Just get in the grey Mercedes." Okay, I can do that, no problem. We get to the restaurant (which was like 4 blocks away, FYI - total walking distance, but I forgot that rich people don't walk or drive themselves anywhere), and it's just me and a bunch of 40-50yr old dudes. Yea, I know what you're all thinking...and no, they weren't creepy, they were very nice. Then I realize who I'm with:

- Big Dog #1 - Invested 30k in his cousin's company way back in the day and is now worth 125 million. His cousin is Bill Gates.

- Big Dog #2 - Worked his butt off all his life and is worth 75 million. Owns a casino and a couple of houses...one in the Hampton's that is fully staffed. He was also the one with the personal driver.

- Former NHL Hockey player and his wife. Was worth 300 mil, now owes 200 mil. His wife frequently fools around with other ladies and went on to make out and attempt a 3-way with her husband and another lawyer. That didn't happen only because they are the doing business together and it would be inappropriate.

- Hockey players friends: 3 douchers. One with a bad suit that was too big on him, another who had man boobs and just an all around bad outfit with super gel stiff hair (think Jersey trash but not in shape - he totally needed the manziere) and another who just kinda sat there. All 3 douchers were in their 20's and apparently all make millions.

The big dogs thought Man-boobs and I would be great together because he was 27 and rich. I usually don't like younger men, but I had a few glasses of wine so it sounded fine to me. We sit down to dinner and this dude is a piece of WORK!

He started asking me the standard questions like "what do you do in the city" and I started telling him and he just looked at me and was like "You know, I'm only asking you because he said I had to be nice." I, being a little thrown off, say "Oh...so you don't really care what I do in the city then?" He says "I just think our conversation could be a little more exciting." Umm, what? You're the one asking the questions bucko. Hockey guy hears this and is yelling at him to be nice to me. I tell him that I'd rather him be himself instead of this fake "nice" guy.

Boy, was that a mistake. After awhile he was starting to get all flirty and then asked what I was doing over the weekend. Apparently, I was talking too much and my answer was not "exciting" enough for him because he totally cut me off and goes "What are ya, writing a book??" After that, I totally turned my back to him and started talking to the other guys. He tried talking to me the entire night after that and all he could do was tell me about his money and how his grandfather was the pioneer of late night television. That's great, Man-boobs, but did you forget how your personality totally sucked and how you dress like a 2yr old? Cause I didn't. What exactly is he doing with his millions anyway? I know he's not hiring a trainer or a stylist...

My question was answered within minutes of him realizing that he wasn't getting laid. Once he got the point, within minutes, the owner brings over 2 prostitutes for these young boys. They left after about an hour and went to the gentleman's club. After awhile the rest of the men left to go to the same club. I was invited but turned it down like a lady, dammit(but that's only because I was just at the same strip joint a few days earlier...whole other story)!

My point is...I don't get why these rich guys think they can talk to someone like that and think they will be fine with it. Once the prostitutes came in, I obviously understood why. Maybe I looked like a hooker that night or something, I don't know.

Sugar Daddy

Living in New York City, you see a lot of odd couples together. You know what I'm talkin' about...the couples that you look at and are like 'WTF is he doing with her?' and vice versa. Then you see the cougars with the young men....and then you see the old guys with the twenty-somethings.

Welp, I recently had the opportunity to get myself a sugar daddy of my very own.

One of my jobs right now is being a temp at a law firm. This particular law firm deals with a lot of high rollers and celebrities in the entertainment industry among several others. There is one client that comes in pretty often - always nice and friendly. A couple weeks ago he was walking out and the conversation went like this:

SD: Well, Laine, it was nice to see you as always.
Me: You too.
SD: And I think I'd like to take you out for a drink...
Me (thinking he was joking): Hahahaha no, that's ok.
SD: No?! Really?
Me (realizing he was serious): No, I don't think so.
SD (looking at me like I was insane for saying no): Really?!! Okay, what about lunch? Let me take you to lunch.
Me (wanting to jump through the window): No, I really don't think so. I'm sorry.
SD: It's okay, I understand.

Now, I will say that this man was never creepy or sketch about this or to me. He really did seem like a normal guy that clearly finds nothing wrong with dating a girl in her 20's.

Here are the stats on this dude:
- Coming up on 70yrs old.
- Former executive director of the NBA
- Has connections everywhere
- According to one of the other lawyers here - has no trouble getting the twenty-something girls
- MARRIED!!

Yep, after I was telling one of the lawyers about my admirer he said: "He is actually great with all the young girls he finds, he's a great conversationalist, has connections up the wazoo....I'd say the only problem with dating SD is that he is married."

I know that there are a good amount of girls my age out there that would probably be totally for this. I just don't get it - I know the economy sucks and all and I could certainly use the extra money, but I'm just not ready to deal with Cialis or Viagara yet. Call me crazy but all the money in the world couldn't change that for me.

Unbelievable. Gotta love NYC dating life!

Vespa & Lonestar's Wedding - Part 1

Welp, I finally attended my 9th wedding - the much anticipated wedding of Princess Vespa and Lonestar. It was gorgeous and so much fun!! After 2 years of planning, it should be, right?! Yes...Vespa has her name for a reason...she's a little nutty.

This was the first time I have been someones maid of honor, which meant that I had to give a toast at the wedding. Besides getting old, this is basically my biggest fear ever in life. I try to avoid public speaking at all times and I don't like when all eyes are on me. I avoided the public speaking class in college for this reason. Yes, I know, not the best move, but I was in college and drunk all the time...I didn't know what was best for me! Needless to say, I was not too excited for this part of the gig.

The wedding day got here, and I was in full panic mode. I'm usually pretty calm and can keep the bride calm and prepared as well, but this time, I had the toast to worry about too and I was FREAKING out all day. Then the added pressure of carrying the wedding band with me was on and I was nervous about that because my damn purse wouldn't shut correctly. Awesome. Don't think I didn't go up to the VP of FCUK at the reception and tell her that there are issues with it and that she needs to fix it immediately. HA! I'm such a jerk.

Anyways, I wrote my speech about a month ago and it literally took me all of 10 minutes. Vespa and I go way back, so it wasn't a struggle to come up with what to say. I was going to take a shot (of alcohol...not a shot in the dark, come on!) and wing it but several people advised against that. Probably good advice for me since I rarely have a filter from my brain to my mouth. So instead, I typed it out and made some edits along the way. I set up my little flip video camera and practiced/timed it about 10 times before and I totally screwed it up and fumbled my words almost every time. The only good thing was that it was short and sweet, which was my goal. Well, maybe not totally "sweet" because I definitely made a point to rip on Vespa about a few key memories. Heh heh.

To ease my nerves, I made sure to bring extra champagne for the limo ride from the church to the reception and tossed back 3 glasses. I basically had to follow Vespa around for pictures while everyone else was inside drinking, so I was starting to get nervous again when it wore off. Vespa asked me to pass along a message to the groomsmen so I did that and thought 'hmm, prime time to get myself some vodka.' so thank youuuu, Vespa! Phew! Right before we were being introduced, I noticed that the groomsmen were all doing a shot. I BOLTED in the middle of them and said "Can I please have one of these?!?!?" Before they even answered I just took it, downed it, and ran off with nobody noticing. It was necessary!

Apparently all of these methods worked for me because I got up there and didn't really need to look at my notes or fumble my words. I think I heard some laughs at my jokes, so that was good. Random people that I barely knew kept coming up to me and telling me how awesome my speech was. One person said "You were really really good. Normally b'maid toasts are pretty weak, but you outdid the best man by far!"

That's right. I rock.

P.S. - I have like 3 more parts to discuss about this wedding, so stay tuned...

Finally A Good Blind Date - SIKE!

Of the million dates that I've been set up on, I finally hit a good match. I was set up by one of Jasmine's friends, who doesn't really know me, so I thought it was pretty funny that he was almost right on target. He took me to dinner at this super yummy restaurant in the LES and then we just walked a few blocks into a bar for a couple of drinks afterwards - we had a great time and we were both talking about seeing each other again. Orrrr maybe I'm completely clueless when it comes to dating. You be the judge and let me know if I'm totally nuts...

So, this guy, we will call him "The BS-er." He friended me on facebook and we started messaging back and forth for about a week before we met (apparently, this is how people start dating now). He was really personable and, for once, the first questions were not "So, what do you do?" This was rather refreshing since I hate to talk about work. I hate how I have to wear my resume on my sleeve everytime I meet someone new. Enough already. Okay, sorry, back to the date...

He picks this cute restaurant and I meet up with him at 7:30. The conversation is flowing nicely. We seemed to have similar backgrounds, we had a lot in common, there were lots of laughs, etc. etc. He was very well mannered, which I'm a sucker for. Then he told me that his goal is to take one European vacation and one tropical vacation a year and I. Was. SOLD! HA! However, that is neither here nor there. After dinner he picks up the check and of course, I offered to split it (even though he would have been totally dismissed if he let me haaaa) and he said that I could pick up the check next time we go out. Hmm, ok, whatever.

So then we're sitting there and he asked if I wanted to go get a couple drinks and I was totally down. I figured this was a good sign because whenever I'm on a trash date I would never offer to get another drink or agree to go after dinner - I'd peace the hell out! We walked a couple of blocks into a bar (he totally moved me to the inside of the sidewalk when we were walking too...it was almost like he read my book of requirements before we met, seriously) and chilled there until MIDNIGHT. We were chatting away and he didn't let me pay for anything (I swear I tried to for real this time) and kept saying things like "next time we hang out..." and "we'll do this..." Once we realized what time it was we decided to head out and he offered to drive me home. It was kind of out of his way, so I said I could take a cab, but he insisted. Clearly, this was going well (I thought).

Once we pulled up to my apt, there may or may not have been a slight MO session for a bit. Then I went up to my apt like a good girl. A bit later he texts me and says "Hey, I'm home. I had a great time with you tonight." The next morning we were joking around on facebook, so, silly me, I was thinking that these were all good signs.

Ummmm right. I didn't hear from BS-er for the next few days which I thought was a little strange. However, we went out on a Wednesday and I knew the upcoming weekend was his birthday, so I figured he might be busy with family and friends, etc. Then I thought about my bible, "He's Just Not That Into You" and I started getting a little (a LOT) annoyed. I texted him on his birthday to say HBD and he didn't get back to me until the next day and it was just "thanks, just got this - was busy all day." Fuck. That.

Now I was just plain PISSED. I literally went over the date about 40 times in my head - cause that's what girls do - and could not think of one possible thing or sign that would indicate he did not want to see me again (since I'm awesome). So I shot BS-er a facebook message, which I probably shouldn't have done, but whatever, he needed to be called out, and not like I was gonna see him again apparently! I basically asked him what the deal was and he said that he thought of me more on a friends level. REALLY?! Then don't tell me you want to see me again, don't make out with me, don't text me when you get home, and don't be all cute the next day on facebook (again, cause that's how people date now). In other words, if we're on a date and you're "not that into me" - DON'T BULLSHIT ME!!

I was totally baffled by this one. He reminded me of this other crapbag I was involved with back in the day that couldn't handle the idea of someone being mad at him, or telling the truth to someone incase it makes themselves look bad(I'll get to that story someday). Guess what idiots, you look even worse when you bullshit around!!

I had no idea what went on and I basically decided that I have totally had it with dating. I thought I could tell a good date from a bad date, but apparently I am not cut out for this game. I didn't see Jasmine's friend until about a month ago at their wedding and she told me that he said that he made more conversation than I did. Another BS comment from the BS-er....

South Beach Research

So, it's been awhile since I've posted, I know, but I'm back in action!

I was in South Beach this past weekend for a few days with the girls from high school. We try to do a yearly girls trip and we typically end up in Vegas, but after the last time, I think we all got a little Vegas'd (yes, it's a word) out. We decided to try something new and head to Miami.

The guys in Miami...gross and awful. We all go out Friday night and are minding our own business when these 2 guys approach us - from Jersey (enough said). They seemed fairly normal, so we weren't too bothered by them. I think they may have bought us drinks, so ya know, we had to pretend to like them for a bit. Ha...girls are such bitches. So after a few, one guy is totally flirting with one of my friends and he then goes around the table and discovers that, naturally, I am the only single one out of the 5 of us. He walks away and a few minutes later he comes back and pulls me up to the dance floor. This had BS written all over it. I knew I was chosen by default and that just doesn't sit well with me. As we're dancing...

Me: So since I'm the only single one, that's why you pull me to dance?
Jersey Trash: Yeah...what's wrong with that?
Me: Just a few things...
Jersey Trash (trying to cover his ass): You should meet up with us later...let me get your number.

Right. I gave him my number, and I walked back to my table. Excuse me, but he just told me I was second best...actually 5th best. Call me crazy, but I see a big fat ass problem with that. He texted later and that was ignored. Douche.

After that round of dudes left, we noticed another group of OLD men lingering around us. They were smoking cigars right in our faces and we were getting disgusted. They attempted to talk to one of us and mentioned that they were taking pictures of one of us and showed them to us. These creepsters were watching us all night! Things got ugly after this. We started yelling at them, they started blowing their cigar smoke right in our faces and being assholes. This went on for the rest of the night and we got security involved. We were pretty drunk at this point, so we started collecting drinks and put them off to the side. Our plan was to dump them on these guys as we were walking out. Yeah, that's how bad it was. Once we came to our senses a bit, we decided against that idea because these creepers were so bad that they probably would have followed us and murdered us or something.

The next night we went to LIV and had a BLAST! But not before we noticed some guy in a striped shirt following us around. He was by himself too. Come to think of it, there were tons of guys that were out by themselves. I find that to be super weird, and again, CREEPY. Anyways, apparently this one dude was all up on my friends shit all night and when she went to the bathroom he budged right behind her and tried to go in with her! WTF???? Security grabbed him and tossed him out, thank goodness. After we lost him, we found normal people and danced our booties off all night.

Honestly though, where did these Miami men come from???? I thought South Beach was supposed to be swanky and high class? The places were really fun, but the people that surround these spots were just RIDIC!

At the end of the weekend, we all agreed to never stray from Vegas again. I don't know what I was thinking when I said I was sick of it. Vegas 2011 - here we come!!!

Deep Thoughts by Laine B

- I've had a lot of people offer to set me up on dates lately, mainly my old neighbors, and I've politely declined. Want to know why? Because I'm exhausted, that's why. Every single blind date that I've been set up for has not gone well and I just don't think that's the answer to my singleness. Only one date...ONE...was acceptable and actually met most of my standards and he didn't like me! That's an awesome story that I'm not ready to write about yet, but I will soon. Don't worry. So anyways, yeah, unless it's someone AWESOME, I'm not willing to take any chances at the moment. However, I am not really accomplishing much by sitting on my duff either...hmmmm...

- If I ever get married, I'll end up having a shit ton of bridesmaids because I won't want to leave anyone out. Although, it seems that my list of friends is getting smaller as the years go on (and as the rings go on), so maybe it won't be that many when the day finally arrives. Either way, my point is that these b'maids will not be in charge of ANYTHING. Not even my bachelorette party. Why? As a professional bridesmaid, it has become to clear to me that no matter who is in the bridal party, there is always catty drama and everyone ends up hating each other in the end (don't worry, I have stories to back this up). Okay, not ALL wedding parties, but most of them. I refuse to let this kind of horseshit go on, I will be planning everything and you will all be required to show up. Done. I think that sounds like a pretty sweet deal for them considering the BS that I've had to put with, right?

- My 30th birthday party is going to be my "wedding" - just to give you all a heads up. Yeah...I don't care how obnoxious it is. Suck it.

- I'm not sure why I haven't gotten a call from Steven Tyler yet since we made friends a couple weeks ago.

- I keep hearing stories about people getting married and suddenly being miserable or cheating on each other. I feel like people don't really get what they are doing when they get engaged. Like, it doesn't end after the super fun wedding you planned...you're kind of stuck with them for life. Duh! Idiots. This makes me so happy that I'm single, believe it or not.

- I rule. You drool.

Ridin' HIIIIIGGGHHH!!!!!

So, this particular post has NOTHING to do with the theme of this blog, but I have to get it out there for 2 reasons: 1) cause it's AWESOME and 2) I don't have to tell the story 90 times. Ha!

Ahhh, a night with Aerosmith. Boy, that sure sounds like I banged the band, doesn't it? Unfortunately, that is not the case. What I expected to happen and what did happen are two totally different stories.

Here's what I thought was going to go on. I knew that we were going to be backstage at a private party with food and drinks, etc and that we would have 3rd row seats by the catwalk. I also knew that we would be meeting Steven Tyler and Joe Perry and that we'd be getting picture taken and have the opportunity to have one item autographed by both of them (we both brought old record Aerosmith record albums). I figured the VIP girl in charge was going to be a little beast (my bro has met her before and said she could go either way) and just drag us to where we needed to be. I was under the impression that we'd hang out at this party for a little while with a bunch of people we didn't know and just wait for our time to meet the boys. I expected Steven Tyler to be nice, but not too animated and figured he would have an attitude like he just wanted to get it over with. Joe Perry I thought would be pretty cool, but I really didn't expect to get more than the time it took to take a pic with both of them. I guess my expectations were low so that I wouldn't get disappointed.

Here's what actually happened...hold on to your butts. We head to the concert to meet our VIP girl, Amanda, at 4:45pm (concert started at 7:30pm). She comes out and tells us that there has been a slight issues with our seats due to the size of the catwalk at this particular venue and it took out almost an entire section. Our hearts dropped to the floor and I started to panic. Amanda says "Don't panic. To try and make this fair for all of you, we're giving you guys first priority to pick where you'd like to sit. You can choose to stay in your original seat, or pick somewhere else if you don't like it." SERIOUSLY?! We're so fine with this. Joe and I start brainstorming, go in and get smart. However, we were told to move back to the bleachers because Steven had to come back out to check some things out. I see him walk out with a cigar and can NOT stop staring him down. Anyways, a few minutes later we go in to get our seats. The two of us crazies obviously know where Steven spends most of his time during the concerts, so we strategically pick seats right next to the catwalk, a little in front of where security guards are, and on the right side, so that we could be on Joe Perry's side of the stage too.



Security changes our seats and we head into the private party. As we are going in, we're told that Joey Kramer is selling his book and if we buy it then he'll sign it for us. We didn't think it'd be worth it unless he was going to physically sign it right in front of us, so we asked and we were told that he'd be coming in to sign it. We all sit down and help ourselves to this huge spread of food (as if I needed more of that after being at the fair all day) and Joe and I grab a beer immediately to loosen up. A few minutes later, we're told that Joey Kramer is going to stop in to not only sign our books, but answer any questions we have for him, take pictures with our table, and take individual pics with all of us!

HOLY so now we're meeting 3 out of 5 members of Aerosmith AND got to pick our own seats?!?! So far...GREAT deal.

Joey Kramer comes in and is super nice, very personable. Answers all of our questions very honestly, which was cool. My brother asked the first question and after his answer he goes "Anybody ever tell you that you look like Jerry Seinfeld?" Funny since people tell him that all the time.

Now it's time to meet Steven Tyler. Holy. Balls. We were supposed to meet Steven and Joe together, but Joe was running late and Steven wanted to do his meet and greet now. This actually worked out better since we got a little more time with them. My bro went in first and chatted with him for a few minutes. He snuck some blank sheet music in the record and asked Steven to fill out the first notes to "Walk This Way." Steven says "I can definitely do that for ya" and starts writing. Amanda offers to play it so that he can remember what they are but he got it HA! Then they take their pics together and Steven says "whoa, you're pretty buff!"

It's my turn and somehow I was feeling totally fine with this. I walk in as my bro is heading out and he says to Steven "and here's my sister...." FYI - Steven Tyler was SO friendly and animated...he looked me straight in the eye the entire time we were talking and he was friggin' AWESOME. And no, he did not look scary in person, he actually looked totally normal.

Steven: This is your sister?! Your brother is pretty buff...man, I sound gay.
Me: Aw, don't tell me that!
Steven: How ya doin' honey?
Me: I'm awesome right now, it's so good to finally meet you - you guys are so great. You wanna bring me up on stage to sing a little "What It Takes" together? (I had to get straight to the point here...)
Steven: Oh wow, can you sing??
Me: Yeah, I can definitely sing! (sure...)
Steven belts out the first line: "There goes my old girlfriend..." and looks right at me to sing the next and somehow I belted it out...in tune and everything.
Me: There's another diaaamond ring...
Steven: Yeah!! Where are you sitting? I'll go like this (and points at the eyes with the two fingers). You're not sitting too far up the catwalk are you?
Me: Nope, I'm right next to it on the right, right next to your speaker.

My fav security guard that loved me came in and said he'd point me out during the song (I never got on stage, but it was the thought that counted). Then Steven just whipped me to the side and drew a bleeding heart on my arm (which I'm seriously thinking of tattooing somewhere), gave me a smooch on the cheek and took his pics with me.

My legs were shaking on the way out. I don't know how I just had a conversation, let alone, sang part of his song with him. WTF just happened?!

We go back into the party and are told that Brad Whitford is going to come in and warm up and take pictures with us. Oh okay, so now we're meeting FOUR of the 5 Aerosmith members. No big deal.

Now it's time to meet Joe Perry. At this point, I just can't even get over this. Joe Perry comes out in his crazy sunglasses (I'm convinced he had eye surgery since he wore them during the whole concert, which he never does, but whatevs). He was much more quiet, which I didn't expect. It was kind of like pulling teeth to get him to talk, but he was still really nice. My bro got him talking' a bit when he asked them to play "Movin' Out," but that was pretty much it. It went like this:

Me: All I can say....is that you're awesome....you're fuckin' awesome. I don't even know what else to say.
Joe: Thanks honey, thanks.
Me: And I like those glasses...
Joe: Thanks honey...I'll be seein' you later.

This experience was completely worth it and blew my expectations out of the water!! Coolest, nicest guys ever. After the meet and greet, we make our way to the concert and are literally resting on the catwalk the entire time. They were right in our faces and I LOVED IT!

The boys may be older, but they still know how to rock the joint!!!!

Shut The Hell Up!

Dear Boys~

If you are out somewhere at a bar, restaurant, wedding, whatever...and you see a girl that you might be interested in, by all means, go up and start talking to her. We ladies love this, assuming you are not a creepster and all.

However, if you are talking to her and she is kind of not paying attention to you, don't continue to talk to her...it's just plain annoying and it's not getting you anywhere. If two do start chatting and you ask for this ladies phone number and she says "no" the first time, do yourselves a favor and just back the F off. I don't care what excuse she gives you, it's for a reason that she is not giving you her digits. Most likely, she is just trying to get a free drink out of you, as I'm sure you have all figured out by now.

There are some of you guys out there who just don't know when to shut the hell up though. Perfect example: Two weekends ago we went to the bar after the reception and this guy comes up and starts talking to me and he was nice and all that crap, but he was also a decade older than me...and looked it. I told him that I'm just not interested in dating right now. Sure enough, the moron kept pushing and I finally said that I don't date people that are 10yrs older than me. Even THAT didn't get through to him. I was exhausted, drunk and not in the mood for this so I finally just gave him my digits so he'd shut the f up and flat out told him not to expect me to answer if he calls.

Sure as shit, he calls me FOUR times this past week. I finally answered last night and re-explained myself. What does he do? Analyze me, tell me why I'm wrong, what my problems are, why I should give him a shot, etc etc. One of his points of persuasion was "I'm not saying we have to have sex on the first date or anything..." Oh really? Gee, thanks for clarifying that, let's totally go out now!!! Idiot.

So gentlemen, do you see what I'm getting at here? Do ya smell what I'm steppin' in?? If a girl doesn't seem interested or is flat out blunt (like moi) and tells you what the deal is, just BACK OFF! And before you start telling me that girls do the same thing, times ten...yes, I'm aware. I'm sure I've done it myself, but I've learned from my mistakes...you should too. Pointing out the chicks flaws are not going to get you anywhere buckos, especially in the sack. So, please, just shut the fuck up.

Happy Dating.
Cheers!

Laine

The Lumberjack

Several people have been asking me to write about this particular date since I've started this blog, but I've been holding out simply because I'm afraid the rest of my blogging "career" may never live up to this doozy. Then again, it is me...

Last year, over Halloween weekend (crap, I gotta start thinking of my costume for this year!), Ron & Veronica came to visit and we went to meet up with some of my old co-workers for happy hour since they were all dressed up. I think the entire company was out including Polly, who by the way, did not impress my friends at all that night. Ha! Shocking. After his sorry ass left, another co-worker started chatting with me and I was kinda into him. I'm not really sure why because he was not my type at all and he wore plaid shirts a lot, which is why he is now named "The Lumberjack." It could also be because he came up to me and said "Bob just told me that you were involved with Polly for a little bit and that he treated you like shit, is that still going on?" I honestly don't know where he would have heard this because Polly & I kept things on the DL, but it made me chuckle that those were the rumors going around HAAA! I chose not to answer the question and blew it off. Anyways, he was always very nice and super fun at the moment so I think the personality had me interested.

After HH Ron, Veronica and I decided that we needed some grub and Veronica took it upon herself to invite Lumberjack along with us, which I wasn't a fan of right off the bat, but I went with it. He seemed to be on the same wavelength with me that night because I kept throwin' out movie quotes (again, shocking, I know) and he was keeping up, which always scores major points with me. At the end of the night he asked if he could take me to dinner some night...sure!

A few days later, he calls and asks what I'm up to for the weekend. He says "So, I know you're into movies and such, but I was wondering how you feel about art and culture..." I'm thinking that I don't give a rats ass about art and any idea for a date that begins with that question can not be good. So I ask what he has in mind and he tells me that he wants to take me to this movie screening in Brooklyn (strike 1 already) that his friend is putting on. Keeping an open mind, I agree to go because a) what the hell else do I have going on and b) he'd keep my mind occupied from other idiots. Although, I was wondering what happened to the dinner idea.

Lumberjack calls me and says to meet him at this bar in the city that he's at with his brother, so I go there and he's there in his plaid with his brother and his entire family. Weird. We stay for a few and start driving into Brooklyn. We get to the bar and he starts talking to me about where our ancestors came from, then about the universe, and then he asked me what my symbol was for my birth year on the Chinese calendar. Yes, this was the conversation he chose to have with me. I'm sorry, but I did not see ANY of this crap from him on Halloween, the conversation was much lighter and more fun. What happened to movie quotes and sarcasm?? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for some serious conversation on a date, but this?!?!?!? Then he tells me that we are about to see a silent movie. Did he know me at all? So I did what any girl would have done, tossed back more wine.

Movie starts. We're all standing in this warehouse type place and the movie is all scenes and images from NYC. Everyone is literally standing there in silence and staring at this film like it's the most amazing thing they have ever seen since vodka was invented. What am I doing? Laughing my ass off because it's the most AWKWARD thing I've ever seen. It was the type of awkward like when you're in the elevator with a bunch of people and nobody is talking so you just start laughing. That was me. I just don't get shit like that at all and I certainly am not into discussing "the year of the dog" or whatever.

Hell finally froze over and the movie ended and I had a pretty good buzz going, thank goodness. Since I was kind of stuck in Brooklyn, I figured I'd give Lumberjack the benefit of the doubt and continue onto another bar, but not before we stopped on some street corner to meet up with some of his friends who were just jumping around taking pictures of themselves. Okay, I'll admit it, that was a lot of fun for me to watch since I just came from history class. Then he wants to go back to his place to hang out. Sure, why not? I'm buzzed and bitter from Polly still, so this sounds like the perfect idea.

We get to his apartment. Oh. My. GOD. This place is AWFUL!! I'm not exaggerating when I say that it is 10x10. He had nothing but a bed, a futon and a little TV shoved in a corner. There was no kitchen - apparently he shares it with his neighbors downstairs. He had a mini fridge and that was it. I may as well have been in college again. Now, here's the best part (if you are eating, stop). I use the bathroom...I barely fit in there. I lift the seat up and there is a giant pile of shit just sitting in there. It must have been there all day, I was so disgusted. So, I didn't want to embarrass him so I tried to flush it and nothing happened. Awful, awful, awful. I walk out and don't say anything about it, I just grab a beer, sit on the futon and start thinking about how I'm going to get home. Lumberjack goes over and shuts the bathroom door, most likely because it smelled. There was NO way I was going to take the blame for this, so I called him out:

ME: Do you think I just took a shit in there?!

LUMBER: Kinda smells like ya did...

ME: Um, actually I lifted the toilet seat and there was a huge pile of crap in there. So, no, I didn't.

LUMBER: ...ooooh my god!!! That's terrible!!!

ME: Um, yeah...I'm aware.

A little while after that he starts trying to mess around with me and I kinda just freaked out and told him that it's not happening and that I have to leave. He tries every line in the book to get me to stay and I was just not feelin' it. Can't imagine why! After he sees that his persuasions failed, I was like, dude, I'm sorry but I just have to go. He says: "What are you apologizing for? Laine, it's fine...I know you have issues, it's fine." Jigga WHAT?! Don't tell me I have issues...you wear plaid shirts, live in a dorm room and don't flush your toilet! What is it with guys telling me I have issues when they don't get what they want?! Only I'm allowed to say that I have issues. What a dipshit. I got in a cab and peaced.

Lumberjack called a few days later wanting to take me out again, which didn't happen and then told me that he was leaving for like 4 months or something to travel. Enjoy dude! Enjoy.

Seriously, how do I get myself into these situations?!?

Indian/American Extravaganza!!

Aladdin & Jasmine tied the knot! Twice!

This weekend was the Indian-Greek-Italian wedding and it was just as I expected...one of the most interesting and bad-ass weddings that I've ever been to. I think I could have done without all of the Indian food (thank you a million times, Jasmine, for giving us the grilled chicken option at the reception...saved my life!), but at the same time, I may have lost a pound of two throughout the weekend, so it's all good!

So, I was invited with a date since the only people I really knew well were in the wedding party. Naturally, since I'm forever single and all of my dude-friends are married for the most part and/or don't live anywhere near me, I was going to bring Mrs. Corningstone. That little tramp came down with the flu or SARS or something and could barely walk so she decided not to come at the last minute, which totally sucked! Thank God I went to Jazzy's bridal shower where I met some RAD girls to hang with, otherwise I would have been screwed. I felt like a pretty huge asshole anyway since I had to tag along with this other couple, who probably wanted to kick themselves in the rump's by the end of the weekend since I was with them 24/7. Then I had the "what's with the empty seat next to you?" questions, which just rubbed it in even more. Note to self: never go to a wedding alone when you aren't tight with anyone. Okay, I'm exaggerating (sort of), it wasn't that bad and I totally had a BLAST!! Probably more fun that I have had in a long time!

Friday night was the traditional Garba party, which was basically like another reception before the wedding. There were Indian dances that I attempted to do but could not stay on track for the life of me, so that was a good laugh. My personal favorite was the "stick dance." I don't really know if that's what it was really called, but we danced with sticks (in my head, they were light sabers). Aladdin tried to get me going on this one and I completely missed the sticks half the time (totally 3 stooges style). Hilarious. While these dances were going on, I attempted to eat some Indian food. I'd love to tell you what the hell I ate, but I really have no idea. I do know that it was SPICY as S!!! The spiciest food that I can usually handle is a mild buffalo chicken, so these crazy spices were just not doin' it for me. I mean...at least I wasn't too full where I couldn't fit in my next 97 dresses for the weekend, right?

Saturday morning at 9am was the Indian ceremony. This involved Aladdin (no seriously, he was dressed like Aladdin) and his family gathering away from the ceremony. Aladdin is on a horse and his family is dancing around him and making their way down to the ceremony venue. Apparently, this represents the groom and his family coming in from "the other village to meet his bride and her family for the first time ever" since they used to do arranged marriages. Crazy, right? Imagine if you really had an arranged marriage?! Considering the blind dates that people insist on setting me up with, I'd have serious issues if I had to marry these douchers! Two hours later the ceremony ends and lunch was served...all. Indian. I made an executive decision to skip out on this and go take a nap to recharge my batteries. I couldn't handle anymore curry, etc.

What seemed like 4 days later, Jasmine's ceremony started, which was the American part. Now, I don't know if Aladdin's side had never been to one of these before or not, but they clapped after every bridesmaid walked down the aisle. Like, were they concerned that people wouldn't make it?? I had no idea what was going on...I thought maybe these b'maids were doing performances down the aisle and I missed it or something. Very random.

On to the cocktail hour(s) and reception. WOO!! Jasmine had told me ahead of time that they wanted their reception to feel like a Miami night club, but I guess I didn't really take that as literally as I should have. It really was a club scene all night and it was AWESOME!!! Palm trees, couch set up in front of a waterfall, neon lights, and techno music is what I saw/heard when I walked in and was instantly excited. I know it probably sounds if-y in writing, but here is what it looked like:

Bad. Ass.

Their reception was so much fun because they kept the beats pumpin' the entire time. There was no dinner break. People could eat when they want and dance when they want. There were moments when I had a bite on my fork and a good song came on so I dropped everything and bolted right to the dance floor. I really don't think I left the dance floor now that I think about it! There were no slow songs at all, no breaks between songs, no cheesy weddings songs like "We Are Family" or "Celebrate" or the GD cupid shuffle. It was just straight up good shit mixed in with some Indian songs, which were kind of techno-ish as well!

Unfortunately, the reception had to end. It was a long day....so a bunch of us thought it would be best to probably just go to the hotel bar! The happy couple and I chilled there until 2am, which eventually led to me, once again, getting hit on by some guy who was 10yrs older than me and his friend telling me what all of my dating issues are....which eventually led to me telling him to fuck off. I had been drinking since 6:30pm, was already feeling like a loser for being at this wedding dateless, the last thing I wanted to hear was some mofo, who doesn't know me, telling me why I have issues. Just let me finish my vodka in peace dammit!

All in all, it was an amazing weekend and I'm so glad I got to experience all of it!!

Congrats Aladdin and Jazzy!!!

Birkenstocks

Remember a few days ago when I posted a status on my fb page saying that I appreciate friends who try to set me up with someone that they actually think would be a good match for me, rather than just because they are single? Of course, you do. Well, here is a perfect example of what I'm talking about.

About 5 years ago, when I first moved to NYC, Princess Vespa and her boyfriend were going to a Yankee game and had a couple extra tickets, so they invited me. She also mentioned that a friend of her bf was going to join us and that she thought we would totally hit it off. I already didn't like the sound of this because I just wanted to go to the game and have fun instead of worrying about having to talk to some dude. Unfortunately, this was out of my hands. However, PV and I had been friends for a few years at this point so I figured she probably knew what I liked.

Lesson 1: Never assume that your friends know and/or pay attention to what you like.

Vespa described this guy to be just about my type (at the time, that is...my taste changes a lot). She said he was really fun, good looking, very smart and super "worldly."

Here is what I really got:

We show up to the game and I'm introduced to someone who is shorter than me, has a girl's name, wearing some Yankee gear that did not match his shorts at all, and to top it all off...with BIRKENSTOCKS. Hello, 1996, nice to meet you. I gave Vespa the look of death right then and there.

As the game is going on, Birkenstocks and I are attempting to make small talk. Actually, I am attempting to make small talk since this piece of work couldn't seem to hold a conversation. Somehow we got on the topic of clothes (I'm guessing either PV brought it up, or I was trying to find out his reasoning behind this outfit of his) and he actually says to me: "I have no idea how to dress myself, I'm like a 4 year old and need someone to dress me still." First of all, no shit. Second of all, what do I even say to something like that?! And why are you telling me this??

PV got another look of death.

You're probably wondering where the worldly part comes in. Well, I was wondering that too. He told me that he lived in France for a few months or a year or some shit like that. Uh yeah, that was it. I've been all over the world so this really didn't mean much to me. He may as well have told me that he went to Canada for a week. Don't get me wrong, I get that living in another country by yourself is great and all, but clearly, Birkenstock did not learn much over there considering he still didn't know how to dress himself (or not tell girls that he doesn't know how). Not that I am Miss Fashion Queen of the world or anything, but I care about how I look and know how to dress when I want to look nice. I appreciate a guy who has some clue about that as well. Pick up a magazine, Birkenstocks, please.

Lesson 2: If your friend that is setting you up works in sales and their mind is strictly business all the time, she or he is probably trying to sell some BS to you too.

I really should have realized after this horrendous attempt that PV was probably the worst matchmaker of all time, but I took her up on things once or twice after this. Another time, PV and her boyfriend and yet, another friend of his, were all going out to a club and she, again, said that I would LOVE this guy. This time, I may have liked this one, but I'll never know. Why? Because Princess Vespa was too busy flirting with him...I'm sorry...throwing herself at him the ENTIRE night. I literally didn't speak to him once and left early because I was so annoyed. Don't tell me you want to set me up with someone and then rape him all night. Thanks again, Vespa!!

That is when I realized that she was using her Jedi sales techniques on me and that I was stupid enough to fall for it years ago. PV is in work mode 24 hours a day and she doesn't understand that she doesn't need to sell her shit to me, or maybe it's just that she doesn't understand that I don't fall for Jedi sales tricks. Furthermore, I'm not a prop to throw around to random guys JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE SINGLE. Believe it or not, I have standards! No more, Vespa!! No more!!!

Today's Final Lesson: I've said it a million times, but I feel it's best to reinforce this one...don't let friends set you up unless you see a solid resume and numerous pictures.

Happy Dating Bitches!

(P.S. - Totally random, but my spellcheck totally corrected the word "jedi" by turning into an capital "J" - spellcheck loves Star Wars too!!)

Bridesmaid Dresses Suck

What the shit is up with their sizing methods???

Today I had to go pick up my 9th bridesmaid dress in Jersey (strike 1). Yes, everyone, it was an epic moment. The bride, "Princess Vespa," picked me up and we went to go see this sucker...finally! (Side note: Princess Vespa has had the longest engagement ever...2 years to be exact. When we went to order the first bridesmaid dresses we thought we were getting, the sales lady told us that we weren't even allowed to order them that far in advance since it was a year and half away. Duh! I believe I told PV several times that we were going too early and she insisted that we still go. She also wanted us to buy the shoes before we even knew what dress we were getting. A little psycho...hence the nickname "Princess Vespa")

Now, the first dress we were going to get (74 years ago) was very nice, but a little too expensive. After years of collecting bridesmaid dresses that are literally sitting in my closet collecting dust, I decided a long time ago that I was done dropping $300 on a dress that I'm wearing for one day. So, I told Vespa that I just couldn't swing that kind of dough, nor did I want to, and I sent her a few links to dresses that I thought were just as nice. She loooved this one that I picked out (which worked out well since it was my fav too heh heh) and naturally, it was even MORE expensive (my taste is the shit, what can I say?!), but luckily she got us all the hook-up and got it at a sweet discount.

The measurements. Soooo, I know that bridesmaid dresses all have sizing methods that run really small, but this was just crazy off. I'm also aware that my hips and ass are friggin' huge and I've learned to accept this, but I still can't get my head around the logic this time. I called in my measurements and they told me that I needed a PLUS SIZE. W. T. F. This is how the conversation went:

Me: Hi, I'm calling in my measurements for Vespa's wedding, they are this, this and this (oh right, like I'd tell you what they are ya dips).

Sales Girl I'd Like to Punch: Hmmm, okay....looking at the charts, you are X size on top (which was normal) and XX size on your hips, which puts you between a 16 and 18 and if you go with the 18, you'll have pay an extra $30 since it's plus size.

Me: (silence)......(more silence)......(getting teary eyed).....Uhhhhhh, how the HELL did you figure this if my size on top is normal and the hips are like 40 sizes bigger? And before you answer, I will NOT be going with the 18.

Sales Girl I'd Like to Punch Harder: Well, this designer has really strange sizing...bla bla bla (I totally stopped listening)

Me: Okay, whatever, this is stupid because I know I'm going to be swimming in this when I get it. Put me down for the 16 if you must, but I'm not happy about it.

Now, like I said, I'm very aware of my ghettoness on the bottom half, but I'm no 16...bridesmaid size or not. Not only did I feel like I got kicked in the stomach after this conversation, I then started to think about the alterations and how they are basically going to cost me what another dress costs since they will have to cut out half the thing.

Sure enough, I go there today and the thing is falling off me AND I have loads of room in the hip region. Screw you, Jim Hjelm. Screw you. Thanks for making me order a dress that's way too big for me and paying another arm and leg for alterations. As if these weddings don't cost me enough. (Side note: I totally forgot my b'maid shoes for the alterations today...I was so mad at myself! After all my bridesmaid training, how do I forget something so important?! I think my mind is officially checked out. I'm a dumbass.)

I hate you for life, Jim. Pray that you never meet me.

Richard Gere

I've always loved him. I need to be with a man like him...need I say more? This is what I'm looking for people....find it.


If you must know why, please click on the below link and scroll to the scene between 6:00-6:40:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjl3OcMCxYw

If any of you find a similar man, please send him my resume and phone number and deliver him to my apartment.

That's all I have to say.

Sweet dreams!

First Dates...love 'em

Since I've moved to NYC 5 or so years ago, I have had more dates than I can probably remember. Correction, more first dates than I can remember. There's really not too many times that these dates go to a second or third. Maybe a couple times, but it's very rare that they do. I'd like to blame it on the city of New York for having such douchey(how do you spell "douchy" anyway?) men, but I'm really not sure if that's it. My friends who don't live in the city tell me that NYC is the reason, but that's probably because they have nothing else to give me. As you have read, I attract some real winners. It would be great if someone could tell me why this is. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Naturally, the men usually like me and want to see me again (HA!) and I can't stand them for the reasons that you've probably read about. Most of the time, I choose to block some out (although I'm trying to jog my memory for the purpose of this blog) because either they are so awful or they just did not go the way I thought they went. Mainly, it's because they are the most horrendous dates ever.

The other night I was out with a few friends for someones going away party. I didn't really know the girl who was going away, but crashed the party anyway. It's fine. Some old co-workers were there, including this girl, Outback, with her new husband and his twin brother and WHAMMO! Memory sparked.

Outback and I worked together at my last job and became friends right away, mainly because we started around the same time and the company gave ZERO direction on what to do. However, that's neither here nor there. She was dating her now-husband at the time, so she decided that it would be great to set me up with his twin brother. We started out at the Gansevoort for drinks and then went to another swanky restaurant/lounge. He was good looking and seemed to be pretty normal so, all was going well so far. I had a few drinks (shocker) and continued to order mojitos....I was happy.

Outback and her bf decided to head home around 1 or 2ish and for some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to chill at the bar more with this guy. It was an innocent night of chatting away, so I figured it would nice. Apparently, this stage 5 clinger had a different idea when his brother left. Out of nowhere he was ALL up on my shit. I'm talkin' physicall grabbing my face and forcing it towards him. I wasn't having any of this. I'm not a huge fan of PDA's so I kept pushing him away and making it pretty clear that I wasn't going to sit at this bar and make out all night. How did I make this clear? I f'n told him flat out, of course. He was NOT getting this and I was getting more and more annoyed by the minute.

Finally, I decided that this went south pretty quickly and it was time for me to go home. He tried to convince me to stay for one more drink and by this time, I had already been drinking water for the past 30 minutes. Idiot. I go out to get a cab and he follows to share one with me, which was fine. However, this little sneak gets in the cab first and tells him to take us to his place!!! I butt right in and say "um, no, we're making 2 stops, thanks." After this, he pulls me over to him and is trying to talk me into going home with him or getting me to let him come over to my place. WTF?! Can you stop trying to rape me please? I'm really not in the mood for that buddy. I threw him off of me and booted him out of the cab when we got to his stop and shut the door ASAP (after I took the money for the cab muahahaha).

Clearly, this dude had no idea who he was dealing with. He must be used to dating complete idiots. I went into work the next day and told Outback the story and she was mortified about it. Duh. I did not see him again, until the other night, which was a time frame of about 2 years.

Funny thing about all of this is that not too long after this date occurred, I found out that another friend dated him for a bit! Either she's into that sort of thing, or he learned his lesson, I don't know.

When I saw him at this party the other night, he was all up on this other girl's spit. This girl is a little hussy too (I don't really know her too well, but the few times I've seen her, she's been hanging all over some dirtbag. So, in judgemental Laineland, she = hussy), so he probably got what he wanted...finally!! I'm assuming he hasn't changed.

Can't Make This Up..

Last October, I received a message on facebook from a very distant cousin. Let me repeat...VERY distant cousin. Seeing as I have about 900 cousins, I can't take the time to do the math here, but I want to say she's like my 49th cousin. Who knows, we're Italian, there's a lot of us. I think I've met this girl once and she is 10 years younger than me. Before we get into this, let me just explain what type of person we're dealing with.

Every family has that one family that is a little "off." This girl, "Trailer," got pregnant at 16 (what up Teen Mom!) and then decided to get married as well. I believe she also has a twin sister who, rumor has it, got jealous of Trailer for having kids, so she got pregnant too. Yes, at 16, two years ago, these whacked out girls were excited to have kids. Not really sure where things went wrong in that family. Maybe they made their sauce a little different, I don't know.

Anyshit, here is the message that I received. Obviously, I won't use their real names (and no, I did not change any grammar mistakes...it was just too perfect):

Bobby & Shirley GrandDaughter Trailor One of the Twins and own Twins in the family

my husband as a older brother that is your age and good looking and i think he would look good for you in your life and he work alot and want ot have a family and i would like to know if you would like to meet him at all his name is ghetto thug"

I had to read that first line a good 50 times alone to understand who it was that was writing to me. Not kidding. As soon as I got Ghetto Thug's name, I immediately searched on FB for obvious reasons. Just to give you an idea of what I was expecting, this is Trailer's husband:


After laughing my ass off for about 10 minutes, I gave this stellar opportunity some serious thought, and I decided that I probably can't handle someone with such class. So, I was nice and responded with:

"Hi Trailer!

That's so nice of you to think of me haha! (lie) I appreciate the gesture, but I'm not really interested in dating anyone right now (lie). Plus, I've had really bad luck with blind dates over the years ha! (true)

Hope all is well with you and your family!" (lie)

Probably 3 hours after using a dictionary to figure out what I was saying, she responded with: "ok good luck in years to come."

Fast forward to last night. My normal cousins and I all got together for dinner and I find out more about this odd matchmaking story. Apparently, Trailer never checks her FB...her husband does instead! So, her husband signed onto her fb, searched me out of her friends and wrote to me. CREEPSTER!!!! On top of that, this dude they wanted to set me up with is now IN JAIL. What is he in jail for? Child pornography!!!!!!!

Gee, thanks Trailer. Thanks so much for thinking of me. One question: What about my facebook profile would suggest that I would be into someone like that? If there is something on there that gives away the idea that I love disgusting perverted thugs, please tell me so that I can make the appropriate changes.

Oh, and I did some searching on FB after last night's information came up. Here are my man's stats:

Age: 30 (Sooo he's not really my age ya dipshit)
Info Box: "i am a 30yr old male taking by a woman. i am looking for friends if u like to ok thanks.
Relationship Status: In a relationship (would love to see this girl, and her age)
Bio: i work full time at domino's pizza and i do not smoke or i do not drink only but soda.
Favorite Quotations: do have one
Books: I Do Not Read That Much (no shit)

Clearly, this is the impression I give off to the public...that I'm looking for THIS. Someone tell me what I need to do to change this. WTF!?