Birkenstocks

Remember a few days ago when I posted a status on my fb page saying that I appreciate friends who try to set me up with someone that they actually think would be a good match for me, rather than just because they are single? Of course, you do. Well, here is a perfect example of what I'm talking about.

About 5 years ago, when I first moved to NYC, Princess Vespa and her boyfriend were going to a Yankee game and had a couple extra tickets, so they invited me. She also mentioned that a friend of her bf was going to join us and that she thought we would totally hit it off. I already didn't like the sound of this because I just wanted to go to the game and have fun instead of worrying about having to talk to some dude. Unfortunately, this was out of my hands. However, PV and I had been friends for a few years at this point so I figured she probably knew what I liked.

Lesson 1: Never assume that your friends know and/or pay attention to what you like.

Vespa described this guy to be just about my type (at the time, that is...my taste changes a lot). She said he was really fun, good looking, very smart and super "worldly."

Here is what I really got:

We show up to the game and I'm introduced to someone who is shorter than me, has a girl's name, wearing some Yankee gear that did not match his shorts at all, and to top it all off...with BIRKENSTOCKS. Hello, 1996, nice to meet you. I gave Vespa the look of death right then and there.

As the game is going on, Birkenstocks and I are attempting to make small talk. Actually, I am attempting to make small talk since this piece of work couldn't seem to hold a conversation. Somehow we got on the topic of clothes (I'm guessing either PV brought it up, or I was trying to find out his reasoning behind this outfit of his) and he actually says to me: "I have no idea how to dress myself, I'm like a 4 year old and need someone to dress me still." First of all, no shit. Second of all, what do I even say to something like that?! And why are you telling me this??

PV got another look of death.

You're probably wondering where the worldly part comes in. Well, I was wondering that too. He told me that he lived in France for a few months or a year or some shit like that. Uh yeah, that was it. I've been all over the world so this really didn't mean much to me. He may as well have told me that he went to Canada for a week. Don't get me wrong, I get that living in another country by yourself is great and all, but clearly, Birkenstock did not learn much over there considering he still didn't know how to dress himself (or not tell girls that he doesn't know how). Not that I am Miss Fashion Queen of the world or anything, but I care about how I look and know how to dress when I want to look nice. I appreciate a guy who has some clue about that as well. Pick up a magazine, Birkenstocks, please.

Lesson 2: If your friend that is setting you up works in sales and their mind is strictly business all the time, she or he is probably trying to sell some BS to you too.

I really should have realized after this horrendous attempt that PV was probably the worst matchmaker of all time, but I took her up on things once or twice after this. Another time, PV and her boyfriend and yet, another friend of his, were all going out to a club and she, again, said that I would LOVE this guy. This time, I may have liked this one, but I'll never know. Why? Because Princess Vespa was too busy flirting with him...I'm sorry...throwing herself at him the ENTIRE night. I literally didn't speak to him once and left early because I was so annoyed. Don't tell me you want to set me up with someone and then rape him all night. Thanks again, Vespa!!

That is when I realized that she was using her Jedi sales techniques on me and that I was stupid enough to fall for it years ago. PV is in work mode 24 hours a day and she doesn't understand that she doesn't need to sell her shit to me, or maybe it's just that she doesn't understand that I don't fall for Jedi sales tricks. Furthermore, I'm not a prop to throw around to random guys JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE SINGLE. Believe it or not, I have standards! No more, Vespa!! No more!!!

Today's Final Lesson: I've said it a million times, but I feel it's best to reinforce this one...don't let friends set you up unless you see a solid resume and numerous pictures.

Happy Dating Bitches!

(P.S. - Totally random, but my spellcheck totally corrected the word "jedi" by turning into an capital "J" - spellcheck loves Star Wars too!!)