First Dates...love 'em

Since I've moved to NYC 5 or so years ago, I have had more dates than I can probably remember. Correction, more first dates than I can remember. There's really not too many times that these dates go to a second or third. Maybe a couple times, but it's very rare that they do. I'd like to blame it on the city of New York for having such douchey(how do you spell "douchy" anyway?) men, but I'm really not sure if that's it. My friends who don't live in the city tell me that NYC is the reason, but that's probably because they have nothing else to give me. As you have read, I attract some real winners. It would be great if someone could tell me why this is. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Naturally, the men usually like me and want to see me again (HA!) and I can't stand them for the reasons that you've probably read about. Most of the time, I choose to block some out (although I'm trying to jog my memory for the purpose of this blog) because either they are so awful or they just did not go the way I thought they went. Mainly, it's because they are the most horrendous dates ever.

The other night I was out with a few friends for someones going away party. I didn't really know the girl who was going away, but crashed the party anyway. It's fine. Some old co-workers were there, including this girl, Outback, with her new husband and his twin brother and WHAMMO! Memory sparked.

Outback and I worked together at my last job and became friends right away, mainly because we started around the same time and the company gave ZERO direction on what to do. However, that's neither here nor there. She was dating her now-husband at the time, so she decided that it would be great to set me up with his twin brother. We started out at the Gansevoort for drinks and then went to another swanky restaurant/lounge. He was good looking and seemed to be pretty normal so, all was going well so far. I had a few drinks (shocker) and continued to order mojitos....I was happy.

Outback and her bf decided to head home around 1 or 2ish and for some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to chill at the bar more with this guy. It was an innocent night of chatting away, so I figured it would nice. Apparently, this stage 5 clinger had a different idea when his brother left. Out of nowhere he was ALL up on my shit. I'm talkin' physicall grabbing my face and forcing it towards him. I wasn't having any of this. I'm not a huge fan of PDA's so I kept pushing him away and making it pretty clear that I wasn't going to sit at this bar and make out all night. How did I make this clear? I f'n told him flat out, of course. He was NOT getting this and I was getting more and more annoyed by the minute.

Finally, I decided that this went south pretty quickly and it was time for me to go home. He tried to convince me to stay for one more drink and by this time, I had already been drinking water for the past 30 minutes. Idiot. I go out to get a cab and he follows to share one with me, which was fine. However, this little sneak gets in the cab first and tells him to take us to his place!!! I butt right in and say "um, no, we're making 2 stops, thanks." After this, he pulls me over to him and is trying to talk me into going home with him or getting me to let him come over to my place. WTF?! Can you stop trying to rape me please? I'm really not in the mood for that buddy. I threw him off of me and booted him out of the cab when we got to his stop and shut the door ASAP (after I took the money for the cab muahahaha).

Clearly, this dude had no idea who he was dealing with. He must be used to dating complete idiots. I went into work the next day and told Outback the story and she was mortified about it. Duh. I did not see him again, until the other night, which was a time frame of about 2 years.

Funny thing about all of this is that not too long after this date occurred, I found out that another friend dated him for a bit! Either she's into that sort of thing, or he learned his lesson, I don't know.

When I saw him at this party the other night, he was all up on this other girl's spit. This girl is a little hussy too (I don't really know her too well, but the few times I've seen her, she's been hanging all over some dirtbag. So, in judgemental Laineland, she = hussy), so he probably got what he wanted...finally!! I'm assuming he hasn't changed.

Can't Make This Up..

Last October, I received a message on facebook from a very distant cousin. Let me repeat...VERY distant cousin. Seeing as I have about 900 cousins, I can't take the time to do the math here, but I want to say she's like my 49th cousin. Who knows, we're Italian, there's a lot of us. I think I've met this girl once and she is 10 years younger than me. Before we get into this, let me just explain what type of person we're dealing with.

Every family has that one family that is a little "off." This girl, "Trailer," got pregnant at 16 (what up Teen Mom!) and then decided to get married as well. I believe she also has a twin sister who, rumor has it, got jealous of Trailer for having kids, so she got pregnant too. Yes, at 16, two years ago, these whacked out girls were excited to have kids. Not really sure where things went wrong in that family. Maybe they made their sauce a little different, I don't know.

Anyshit, here is the message that I received. Obviously, I won't use their real names (and no, I did not change any grammar mistakes...it was just too perfect):

Bobby & Shirley GrandDaughter Trailor One of the Twins and own Twins in the family

my husband as a older brother that is your age and good looking and i think he would look good for you in your life and he work alot and want ot have a family and i would like to know if you would like to meet him at all his name is ghetto thug"

I had to read that first line a good 50 times alone to understand who it was that was writing to me. Not kidding. As soon as I got Ghetto Thug's name, I immediately searched on FB for obvious reasons. Just to give you an idea of what I was expecting, this is Trailer's husband:


After laughing my ass off for about 10 minutes, I gave this stellar opportunity some serious thought, and I decided that I probably can't handle someone with such class. So, I was nice and responded with:

"Hi Trailer!

That's so nice of you to think of me haha! (lie) I appreciate the gesture, but I'm not really interested in dating anyone right now (lie). Plus, I've had really bad luck with blind dates over the years ha! (true)

Hope all is well with you and your family!" (lie)

Probably 3 hours after using a dictionary to figure out what I was saying, she responded with: "ok good luck in years to come."

Fast forward to last night. My normal cousins and I all got together for dinner and I find out more about this odd matchmaking story. Apparently, Trailer never checks her FB...her husband does instead! So, her husband signed onto her fb, searched me out of her friends and wrote to me. CREEPSTER!!!! On top of that, this dude they wanted to set me up with is now IN JAIL. What is he in jail for? Child pornography!!!!!!!

Gee, thanks Trailer. Thanks so much for thinking of me. One question: What about my facebook profile would suggest that I would be into someone like that? If there is something on there that gives away the idea that I love disgusting perverted thugs, please tell me so that I can make the appropriate changes.

Oh, and I did some searching on FB after last night's information came up. Here are my man's stats:

Age: 30 (Sooo he's not really my age ya dipshit)
Info Box: "i am a 30yr old male taking by a woman. i am looking for friends if u like to ok thanks.
Relationship Status: In a relationship (would love to see this girl, and her age)
Bio: i work full time at domino's pizza and i do not smoke or i do not drink only but soda.
Favorite Quotations: do have one
Books: I Do Not Read That Much (no shit)

Clearly, this is the impression I give off to the public...that I'm looking for THIS. Someone tell me what I need to do to change this. WTF!?

Another One Bites...

This weekend, I've lost another friend, Ms. Corningstone, to this whole marriage trend that has taken over my entire group of friends. That's right, I was asked to be a bridesmaid and witness one of my last single friends get married...and I'm left in the dust again! Hence...



Now, Veronica and Ron make a great couple. I love them together and have tons of fun when the 3 of us (what up 3rd wheels!) hang out. Especially because Ron loves Star Wars and video games and has gotten Veronica on board with these things, heh heh. Also, Ron let's her travel with me and I love that.

However, I always worry that all of my married friends are going to turn into the typical married couple that I will never see again. Mainly because, it's happened to one or two of them. You all know what I'm talking about...those couples that say things like "Well, we're married now, we want to spend time together and relax." or "We're married, we can't be out that late." or "I'm married, I can't do anything without my husband." Okay, so they don't actually say that last statement, but you know it's what they're thinking! Why does that always seem to go along with getting married? Since when does marriage = turning 90yrs old and never leaving the house?!

Then, of course, there are those couples that still want to seem like the cool couple and are in denial around their single friends about that little trap and are like "We're still really fun and do things all the time and we aren't going to have kids for awhile." Then 2 months later they are pregnant and act like it was an accident. Meanwhile, this whole time, they are spilling the truth around their married friends, and are like "Oh, we don't want to wait, we're almost 30 yrs old!" Riiiiight...you're not foolin' anyone idiots!

Come on people, if that is what being married is all about...I think I'm fine with not being on that boat. Every married person reading this is pissed at me and saying "She'll understand once she gets married." No, sluts, I won't. I'd rather punch myself in the face instead of ditching all of my friends and my alcoholism. Corningstone and I have always felt the same way about this topic, so let's hope she doesn't fall into this trap. I guess you never know!

On a serious note, Veronica and Ron's wedding was in East Providence, RI right on the water. The venue was beautiful and it was a very classy wedding. One of the nicest and easiest wedding's that I've been to/in for sure. The bride was the total opposite of a bridezilla - she was very thoughtful and appreciative of everything and everyone. There's not too many times I can say that, I'll tell ya! So, Veronica, thank you for being one of the best bride's I've ever had to deal with!! If you ever get married again, I'm totally in. Haaaaaaaa!

Get the Hint?! A.K.A. My Bluntness?

In my last post, I mentioned at the end that I ran into my old neighbor on my early flight back to NYC on Monday. Apparently, there were more people on that flight than I noticed because I got a text yesterday from an old flame saying that he saw me.

Okay, let's be honest here, he wasn't technically an "old flame" because we know that I don't really have "flames." I have "things." This guy, SP(I'll explain later), went to high school with my best friend, Staceeeey, so we met in 9th or 10th grade. We'd run into each other maybe once a year, if that, because we went to different schools, but we always got along. Sophomore year of college came along and I was home for the summer. Staceeeey and I went out to our fav watering hole and ran into SP. This was the first night that SP and I kind of hooked up. He drove like 40 minutes to my house at 2am HA! Suckerrr. These little meet-ups took place very rarely, like, once every year to year and a half in various cities. Nothing major ever really went on, it was just some semi-innocent fun.

Now, you're probably wondering why we never officially dated. There are a couple reason for this. He was very nice and a fun guy to hang out with, but he's kind of whiny when he doesn't get his way. So that was one reason, but not even as important as the others.

The biggest reason I gave him was because the first few times we hooked up - he had girlfriends! I know...AGAIN with me being the other woman (this was actually my first time being the other woman...wait, I just lied. That's another story)!! It's cool though, I didn't know the girl again. Okay, that's no excuse, but I was in college and in my early 20's...okay that's no excuse either...just leave me alone.

My second reason is mainly because...well...he just doesn't cut it in the unit region. AT ALL. Hence, the name "SP" and hence, nothing major ever happened when we hooked up because I just didn't think it was worth it. I swear I'm not a whore even though I'm talking like one right now, but this was, like, ridiculously noticeable. I just couldn't believe it and I didn't want this to be my life. HA!

SP has pursued me on and off for years now. We both live in NYC, which doesn't help things, and the first two years I was here I met up with him once or twice (he was single - see, sometimes I learn!). He'd always say that we should be together and see what happens, but this was always right after he broke up with one of his girlfriends. There would seriously be a good year that would go by and I wouldn't hear from him and then he'd just reappear when he was single. He never made one ounce of effort to make me feel special, just expected that taking me out for a drink was enough. F. That. He made it seem like I was just the convenient choice whenever he was single and I wasn't having any of that . Every time this occurred, I told him that I wouldn't date someone who cheats on his gf's constantly. He'd feed me his lines of BS saying that he "wasn't the asshole he used to be." Actually, sketchball, you are...you creeps don't change.

Two years ago, after not hearing from him for a good year, he tried convincing me to be with him AGAIN and I was fed up. (Oh, I should also say that this was mainly a text messaging relationship because clearly, men don't have the balls to pick up a phone and dial these days, so there was another strike in my book - do I ask too much of men??) I told him that it was never going to happen, I would never trust him, he had enough chances and enough was enough. Haven't heard from him since, until yesterday. The TEXTS went like this:

SP: Any chance I can drag you out for a drink? Wouldn't mind catching up...

Awesome Chick: Didn't we already go through this game 2 years ago?

SP: We may have. I'm not trying to take you home or anything jerk, just a drink or two...I'm not really the jackass I was a few years ago.

Awesome Chick: Dude, I didn't say you were, but we've already done this before.

SP: Totally get it. I don't mind putting myself out there. It's up to you, but just saw you and I wanted a chance so that we could see what happens.
**Side note: you're not putting yourself out there you dipshit...you're taking the easy way out and texting me!!**

Awesome Chick: Sorry, but I don't think it's a good idea to go in circles again.

Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered that someone supposedly wants to take me out. I'm just not quite buying it. Do you blame me?! Please contact me every other year by texting me and asking to get me drunk. That's a stellar way to win me over...NOT!!! (I still love to say NOT!)

Ut-Oh! Part II

Where do I even begin with this one? I guess I should start off by saying that I had a total blast at my friend's wedding over the weekend. I don't know if it was because most of my good friends were there or if it was because the opening song was Together Forever by Rick Astley and I cut up some serious rug all night. It's a real toss up, let me tell ya! Seriously, the tunes were amazing. Kinda strange that there were glowstick necklaces and bracelets on the tables, but I was obviously having a grand old time with them.

As predicted, the wedding was a good old-fashioned shit show. Missela (I know that's not my nickname for you, but I'm stealing it for now) and I decided to have a glass of a very expensive boxed wine before the ceremony. After the ceremony, we went to a bar with everyone to waste some time before the reception and had a couple more drinks. I probably should have thought about the fact that all I had to eat before this was a bowl of cereal. An hour later, queue the reception.

Normally, the apps are shoved in my face and then we eat within the next hour. Apparently, all I saw was the bar and missed those appetizers and then we didn't eat dinner until almost 2 hours later. I didn't mind any of this at the time because I was movin' and groovin'. My stomach had a different opinion because it had me basically puking in the bathroom. You'd think that small bump in the road would affect the rest of my night, but no people, I am a true champion and I rallied!

Now, about the lovely triangle I once had with the newly-engaged couple who have such a solid marriage in their future. That was a little awkward at first because I didn't really want to talk to his fiance and I was relieved at first because we didn't talk at first. We didn't really know each other well enough where we would normally be all bff's and I'm just not a huge fan of the girl in general. Sure enough, within a little while she started chatting me up, pulling me on the dance floor and was being super friendly with me. Awkwarrrddd. So I tried to fake it and be friendly, but tried to keep my distance too because, well, come on...it's just a bitch move. 'Cause that has stopped me before HA!

As for the guy, he would barely make eye contact with me until he got drunk. I suppose I don't blame him since he looks like a giant dog to everyone at this wedding (and I look bad-ass as usual). Oh, and his fiance was there...I guess that would be a reason too.

Here's the best part of the entire night. I had made plans to crash at Missela and Johnny Bravo's house after the wedding. I find out shortly into the reception that the happy couple will also be staying at their house. How friggin' cozy is that!? I don't blame them for letting the dipshits to stay because they are just being nice and after all, it's not their problem! However, I have to say that I was shocked that the slimeball still agreed to stay there even after he found out that I was going to be there. I meannnn, really? Is this fun for him? Luckily, she passed out right when we got home so I didn't have to sit there with her. Instead, it was just the 4 of us! HA! Even better. I will admit that it really wasn't as awkward, most likely, because his fiance was passed out. All of us just hung out and had a couple drinks until about 3:30am and it was fun! When everyone decided it was bedtime, I bolted to my room and shut the door because he still stayed up. Even though she was passed out on the couch downstairs, I really wouldn't put it past him to try something. No way was I about to put myself in that situation again!

See, aren't you guys proud of me? He still looks pretty hot and I was so well behaved!

Wait, I forgot. I need to comment on her dress. It wasn't as bad as the last one I saw her in, but it was pretty much gold spandex. She could have the dirty Jersey look down if she didn't blow it by having silver accessories with a GOLD dress and gold shoes. She even had the trashy dance moves down! Ooooo so close...maybe next time!

Shake N' Bake

P.S. - This has nothing to do with anything, but I just had to share the fact that the next morning, my other friend got engaged. The morning after that, I run into an old friend at the airport who just got married over the weekend and they are off to their honeymoon. Why do these situations follow me?

Ut-Oh, The Other Woman...Oops!

This weekend I am packing up my brand new little carry-on suitcase and making my way to, yet, another wedding. I have a small feeling that it's going to turn into a giant shit show because a bunch of my friends from home will be in attendance, which is always dangerous. I don't know what it is, but we just tend to take partying to a whole new level whenever we're all together.

Another reason that this wedding will be interesting is because a certain man will be there that I kind of have a little history with. Nothing major or anything, he's just engaged now...to the same girl that he cheated on...with me. Oopsy!

Before you all start yelling at me, let me explain. A few years ago at another wedding (obviously) this guy and his girlfriend got into a huge fight over nothing. I had known him for awhile and I just met the gf at the wedding. From what I witnessed, I didn't like her. No, not because she was dating him, just because she was a drama queen and her dress was ugly. She flipped out over nothing, started crying and then started telling people that this dude smacked her in the face. Like I said, I had known this guy for awhile and he would never hit a chick! Who was this crazy ass? Could I smack her? So, he's all upset and I was told to go find him and he said that she pulls this crap all the time, etc. I convinced him that the best thing to do at this point was to come to the bar with the rest of us. ha!

At this point, I really had no idea that anything would happen with him. I swear!!! We were all having a fun time at the bar down the street, no big deal. 2am came around and I was ready to go back to my hotel (which was right next to his gf's room...again, ooooops) and he offered to walk me back. At this point, I was pretty drunk and didn't give a hoot about the gf that I figured he'd break up with since she was psycho. The next day we went out separate ways and we only saw each other like once or twice a year when I'd be back in town and happen to be at the same gatherings. This little bundle of fun went on up until about a year ago. The last time I saw him, I denied him and told him that he was being an idiot. Naturally, he pulled out all the lines..."you're the only one this has happened with, I don't know what it is..." Rrrrriiigghttt. Come on, the only reason I was having fun with this is because I was BORED! Not stupid. I never once wanted to date him. Why? Because I don't date cheaters! Whether it's with me, or not.

Okay, so I'm not that innocent in the situation, but I'd like to think I kind of am since I'm not the one doing the cheating. For the record, I did not sleep with him, but I'm sorry, he was hot, there was nothing I could do. It's not my fault that I'm way better than the crazy girlfriend with bad dresses! I don't recommend being the other woman, I'm just saying that shit happens and as long as you don't know the girl, who the H cares?!

Now, I hear that he proposed to this same girl recently and I laughed my ghetto ass off! What a dipshit! From what I hear, she has cheated on him a bunch of times too. Looks to be a solid marriage. They will both be at the wedding this weekend and I seriously can't wait. She doesn't know about any of this, which is why I'd like to push his buttons and act like a total asshole in front of both of them. I personally requested that I be seated at the same table, if not right next to them, juuuust to be a little jerk.

Even though I get myself into these situations from time to time, I have decided to end my "other woman" role for good. I'm just over that phase. However, I am still single and I do get bored....just sayin'!

Captain Pansy

When am I going to learn that blind dates are rarely a good idea? I know that I should just turn these blind dates down, but I have nothing better going on, so I figure why the hell not...maybe I'll get a free dinner out of it (which doesn't always happen...yeah...NEXT!).

This stellar date was a few months ago and probably one of the top 3 WORST that I have ever been on. He will be called Captain Pansy. We spoke on the phone a couple days before we went out and I already knew that this was not going to be good. He had a super femme voice and kept saying things like "It's ladies choice!" I was dreading it...especially because he suggested an African wine bar in MIDTOWN. Hate midtown - especially for dates.

Aah, where to start. Before we even sat down, I was instantly turned off. I was already at the bar (shocking) waiting and Captain Pansy strolls in with his light-colored jeans and shirt tucked in tightly and says "Shall we sit? Up to you, ladies choice!" I get it, dork, calm down, we're just picking a table. From the time I walked from the bar to the table, he must have made 2-3 really cheesy "dad jokes." Normally, I love cornball jokes, but these were BAD. I didn't laugh, not even a fake laugh, and it really doesn't take much for me to laugh. The waiter comes over to take our drink order and he asks for some random Italian wine. I guess he didn't get the memo that "African Wine Bar" means that they only have African wine.

So we're already on like, what, 40 strikes and we were just ordering our first (eh hem, his first, my 3rd) drink? Faaantastic. Within about 15 minutes I learn that he has 2 cats. TWO CATS. I'm sorry, but not only do I hate cats, but single men with cats are WEIRD!!! Everyone knows it. One of Pansy's cats is named Mittens. It doesn't get much worse than that. I remember this name because he kept referring to her as "my Mittens." Okay? Okay. As he is going on and on, I cut him off and tell him that I don't really like cats at all and that cats hate me (especially Corningstone's...although I think Pinot and I started to bond the last time I was there, but anyways, that's neither here nor there). Clearly, I'm not trying to win any points here with Cappy. He tried to convince me that "his Mittens" would just love me and I'd love her. Right.

The next topic that Cap brought up was about living right outside the city so that he could still keep his car. (Side note: don't worry, we ordered appetizers and another drink before this topic started...it was ladies choice again!) He kept telling me how he loved his car and didn't want to get rid of it, so I feel like I had no other question to ask except for what kind of car he drove, which I never ask anyone because I think it's tacky. CP says "My friends always tell me not to bring this up on dates, but I don't care, I'm just being me and you should know me...I drive a Crown Vic." I'm sorry, a what?? and really? I don't need to know you, I'm all set. Yep...a Crown Victoria. I busted out laughing at this, I couldn't even help it at this point and said "Yeah, you should probably listen to your friends next time." So, he thinks I'm just loving this and am super into the conversation and says "I'm going to part with it I think...I really want to get something sportier, like a Ford Taurus." I meannnnnnn, where was I?!

Que the waiter - I order another drink. CP tells me at this point that he's already drunk off of his 2 glasses of wine and that he's a cheap date, never drinks, hates to go out dancing, and only eats extremely healthy.

I down my wine.

Next he decides to change the subject to me and is a fan of talking in the 3rd person in his super femme, whiny voice. "So, tell me about Laine." "What does Laine like to do for fun?" "What's on Laine's ipod?" I say "I go out all the time, I love going to Vegas and partying til all hours of the night, etc. etc." Major points, here. ha! All I could think about was whether or not enough time has gone by where it was acceptable to say I had to go home.

I think I zoned out for awhile, but somehow CP got into talking about past dates that he has been on and how most of the girls were really awful (loved hearing this). He was saying that he just wanted a really sweet girl, who doesn't get really angry about things and pick fights for no reason, and that he just wanted to take care of someone, etc. Now, this was all fine and well, but this wussy wouldn't be able to handle it if someone did get mad at him in the slightest! He is the type of guy that you'd want dating your 80yr old grandmother. So, keeping this all in mind, I respond with "Well, first of all, I'm Italian, so we love to argue. Second, it takes a lot to get me really pissed off, but when I reach that point, I can be pretty nasty." Yep, I seriously said that. He was like "Ohhh that's not true." Test me, buddy, just test me. I would never say that on a normal date, of course...never want to show the true colors right away...but this was not anywhere near normal. Call me crazy, but I want a guy that will give me a little fight back. Who wants to walk all over someone? I need someone who is a little fiesty (but not as fiesty as Polly).

I know this seems like a 7 hour date, and believe me, it felt like one, but I met up with him at 6:30pm on a Friday night and it was now 8pm. Cappy suggested going somewhere else and I literally could not take any more of this, so I naturally said that I had to work early in the morning (being in Real Estate, this is kind of believable) and that I should get home. He didn't even think about the fact that it was 8pm on a Friday night and that I just went on and on about how I love to go out all night. Ha, what a moron.

We left, I'm pretty sure I shook his hand when I left and took off in the opposite direction even thought it was the wrong way for me. To top it all off, he actually called me 2 days later!! What about that date said that I was interested? I'd love to know what I did wrong there. I can't even sabotage my dates correctly when I want to! I seem to have no problem doing that with men I like. Jeesh!

Captain Pansy's phone call was ignored. From that point on, there have been no more blind dates unless a proper screening process has occurred.

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies...

Seriously, boys, are you all dumbasses?! Why? What is the reasoning behind this? The sooner someone explains this to me, the better.

Clearly, I need to vent, and you're all going to read it. I was talking to one of my friends the other day when she told me that one of my "ex-things" decided to tell her his version (and I stress "his version") of our little "situation." Yes, there are a lot of " " 's " going on here, I know. Quotations basically sum up my dating life. I've learned to live with it.

A little catch-up. This is a guy who seriously messed with me for a significant amount of time a couple years ago. Everything started right before I almost moved to Atl (obvs didn't happen) and continued on for months after that. We have a few mutual friends, but apparently, this douchelord hasn't gotten the memo that this one girl friend and I...wait for it...actually talk to each other! Shocking, huh. So, he (thinking she had no clue about anything that went on for some reason) took it upon himself to tell her why we are no longer on speaking terms with his backup story that he must have pulled out of his non-existent ass. This is a real GD hoot! Get your popcorn folks...

He had the f'n nerve to tell her that I basically started everything and he constantly told me that he didn't want any part of it. 100% made it out to be like I begged to hook up with him while he had to push me off. See, that's just super cute to me because he brought his friends out to specifically meet me one night where they told me that he talked about what a big crush he had on me...that I was all he talked about and he later told me that it was true, and eventually this thing started up. Another kicker about that whole peachy story of his is that he was the one offering to crash at my place sometimes, or inviting me to his place!!! He'd be the one with the "we should hang out again" crap. Not all the time, but most of the time(see that statement right there? that's me being honest - look it up.) Real clear that I was the one forcing him to be with me, isn't it? Instead, he plays it off to my friend like we only hooked up once or twice and then never again. um, WHAT?! This is seriously what he's telling people??

The next amazing part of make-believe story time was him telling her that we stopped all contact back before the holidays. Really asshole? Because I'm pretty sure you asked to crash at my place after a party in January one night where I made you fucking dinner....guess that could slip anyone's mind though, right? (Yes, I'm aware that was a stupid move on my part after everything, but forget about that right now.) Oh, oh and the reason he gave her for why we, sorry I stopped all communication was completely wrong. Could not be more wrong!! He told her it was because I always got so mad at him all the time about who he was hanging out with. Ya know, not the years of bullshit lies he fed me, or years of him telling me how awful I am, or picking fights with me for being friends with his friends, or bitching me out after I poured my heart out to him...none of that could have been building up at all or lead to me finally snapping, could it...MOFO!!

I mean, seriously, tell me why you idiots do this? Do you really think that a) this info does not get back to us or b) that anyone would believe that?!?!?!?! Newsflash: everyone knows what went on and everyone knows that you are a giant douchebag. Not for nothing, but I also don't even get why he feels the need to tell a story that is soooooo so far off from the truth?? What is the point of this...so that he looks good in everyone's eyes? Grow the hell up. I'm very aware when I act like a crazy idiot in "relationships/things/whatevers" and I have no problem admitting it. Why? For 3 reasons: 1) because everyone acts like an idiot or a crazy person at some point. 2) because I realize it and don't need everyone to kiss my ass and 3) BECAUSE I'M AWESOME!!

I think the best part of all of this is that after he told her all of these lies he told her that he thought of me as "an awesome sister" and that he really missed my sense of humor. Seriously dude....screw you. You should have thought of that when you treated me like trash.

Okay, there. I'm done. If anything, hearing all of this helps me to realize what a friggin' lying sack of shit jerk he actually is. My friend put it perfectly...I really dodged a bullet with this one.

ASSHOLE! Okay, no, seriously, I'm done now.

Cheers!