Captain Pansy

When am I going to learn that blind dates are rarely a good idea? I know that I should just turn these blind dates down, but I have nothing better going on, so I figure why the hell not...maybe I'll get a free dinner out of it (which doesn't always happen...yeah...NEXT!).

This stellar date was a few months ago and probably one of the top 3 WORST that I have ever been on. He will be called Captain Pansy. We spoke on the phone a couple days before we went out and I already knew that this was not going to be good. He had a super femme voice and kept saying things like "It's ladies choice!" I was dreading it...especially because he suggested an African wine bar in MIDTOWN. Hate midtown - especially for dates.

Aah, where to start. Before we even sat down, I was instantly turned off. I was already at the bar (shocking) waiting and Captain Pansy strolls in with his light-colored jeans and shirt tucked in tightly and says "Shall we sit? Up to you, ladies choice!" I get it, dork, calm down, we're just picking a table. From the time I walked from the bar to the table, he must have made 2-3 really cheesy "dad jokes." Normally, I love cornball jokes, but these were BAD. I didn't laugh, not even a fake laugh, and it really doesn't take much for me to laugh. The waiter comes over to take our drink order and he asks for some random Italian wine. I guess he didn't get the memo that "African Wine Bar" means that they only have African wine.

So we're already on like, what, 40 strikes and we were just ordering our first (eh hem, his first, my 3rd) drink? Faaantastic. Within about 15 minutes I learn that he has 2 cats. TWO CATS. I'm sorry, but not only do I hate cats, but single men with cats are WEIRD!!! Everyone knows it. One of Pansy's cats is named Mittens. It doesn't get much worse than that. I remember this name because he kept referring to her as "my Mittens." Okay? Okay. As he is going on and on, I cut him off and tell him that I don't really like cats at all and that cats hate me (especially Corningstone's...although I think Pinot and I started to bond the last time I was there, but anyways, that's neither here nor there). Clearly, I'm not trying to win any points here with Cappy. He tried to convince me that "his Mittens" would just love me and I'd love her. Right.

The next topic that Cap brought up was about living right outside the city so that he could still keep his car. (Side note: don't worry, we ordered appetizers and another drink before this topic started...it was ladies choice again!) He kept telling me how he loved his car and didn't want to get rid of it, so I feel like I had no other question to ask except for what kind of car he drove, which I never ask anyone because I think it's tacky. CP says "My friends always tell me not to bring this up on dates, but I don't care, I'm just being me and you should know me...I drive a Crown Vic." I'm sorry, a what?? and really? I don't need to know you, I'm all set. Yep...a Crown Victoria. I busted out laughing at this, I couldn't even help it at this point and said "Yeah, you should probably listen to your friends next time." So, he thinks I'm just loving this and am super into the conversation and says "I'm going to part with it I think...I really want to get something sportier, like a Ford Taurus." I meannnnnnn, where was I?!

Que the waiter - I order another drink. CP tells me at this point that he's already drunk off of his 2 glasses of wine and that he's a cheap date, never drinks, hates to go out dancing, and only eats extremely healthy.

I down my wine.

Next he decides to change the subject to me and is a fan of talking in the 3rd person in his super femme, whiny voice. "So, tell me about Laine." "What does Laine like to do for fun?" "What's on Laine's ipod?" I say "I go out all the time, I love going to Vegas and partying til all hours of the night, etc. etc." Major points, here. ha! All I could think about was whether or not enough time has gone by where it was acceptable to say I had to go home.

I think I zoned out for awhile, but somehow CP got into talking about past dates that he has been on and how most of the girls were really awful (loved hearing this). He was saying that he just wanted a really sweet girl, who doesn't get really angry about things and pick fights for no reason, and that he just wanted to take care of someone, etc. Now, this was all fine and well, but this wussy wouldn't be able to handle it if someone did get mad at him in the slightest! He is the type of guy that you'd want dating your 80yr old grandmother. So, keeping this all in mind, I respond with "Well, first of all, I'm Italian, so we love to argue. Second, it takes a lot to get me really pissed off, but when I reach that point, I can be pretty nasty." Yep, I seriously said that. He was like "Ohhh that's not true." Test me, buddy, just test me. I would never say that on a normal date, of course...never want to show the true colors right away...but this was not anywhere near normal. Call me crazy, but I want a guy that will give me a little fight back. Who wants to walk all over someone? I need someone who is a little fiesty (but not as fiesty as Polly).

I know this seems like a 7 hour date, and believe me, it felt like one, but I met up with him at 6:30pm on a Friday night and it was now 8pm. Cappy suggested going somewhere else and I literally could not take any more of this, so I naturally said that I had to work early in the morning (being in Real Estate, this is kind of believable) and that I should get home. He didn't even think about the fact that it was 8pm on a Friday night and that I just went on and on about how I love to go out all night. Ha, what a moron.

We left, I'm pretty sure I shook his hand when I left and took off in the opposite direction even thought it was the wrong way for me. To top it all off, he actually called me 2 days later!! What about that date said that I was interested? I'd love to know what I did wrong there. I can't even sabotage my dates correctly when I want to! I seem to have no problem doing that with men I like. Jeesh!

Captain Pansy's phone call was ignored. From that point on, there have been no more blind dates unless a proper screening process has occurred.