Success!
All in all, I have to say that these two showers were very painless! Finally, people are starting to do things right and skipping the stupid games and other pointless hooey. I mean, I was the maid of honor in Sock's wedding, so why would I allow any of that crapola?! I think I might have even told her that I refused to plan any sort of bridal shower game or allow any to go on. Yea, that's right people, I am strict with these bridal showers if I have a say in them! Since we think alike, this was just fine with her, thank goodness. I think there were a couple games that were supposed to take place at Jasmine's shower (yep..I spotted the 90 rolls of paper towels to "make a wedding dress") but, luckily, her shower got a bit of a late start so we didn't have time for them. ha!
My travels to these bridal showers, on the other hand, did not go so smoothly. I had my little carry-on suitcase on wheels, which had 55 glass coasters plus my clothes and spit in it. That weighed about 50lbs (I thought the coasters were lighter when I ordered them, oops). Then I had Jasmine and Sock's gifts to carry in 2 large gift bags (again, not sure what I was thinking). Before I even got in a cab to head to port authority, Jasmine's gift bag completely ripped so I had to carry her martini set and vodka in one hand, while Sock's gift was over my shoulder with my purse, and then drag my 50lb bag. I'm dragging all of this through PA, down stairs, up escalators, etc. Finally made it on the bus and arrive in Philly only to discover that one of the wheels on my suitcase completely broke off where it left a giant hole in the bottom. Juuuust peachy. Now I have to carry this little bitch bag with me along with Sock's gift. Not to worry because one of my gifts to sock was a cupcake mug that completely shattered at some point in my travelling. This was just not my weekend.
I will tell you that, while these were very successful showers, I am totally beat and bridal showered OUT! Not only is it tiring to go to 2 bridal showers in one weekend in 2 different cities while dragging a bunch of stuff with you, but it is down right exhausting to listen to how friggin' happy and in love(is that one word or two?) these girls are! Then you hear some other girls there that are already married talk about their weddings...I mean...I get it, I'm very happy for you, but my attitude after all these years is....BARF. It's getting harder to even act interested, especially when I don't know most of these girls and especially while I'm ridiculously hungover (shout out to Landy, Red, and the band!!! Super fun Friday night guys! BOMBS!!). Basically, they just add an extra dry heave. Next time, I should bring an airsick bag.
Overall, good weekend - great to see everyone, glad everyone enjoyed themselves - now it's time for BED!!
Capture the Dream
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
BS Weekend 2010
Starting tomorrow at 7am, I will be waking up to begin my tour of bridal showers for the weekend. Yes, I have 2 in one weekend in 2 different cities.
I'll be heading to lovely Port Authority to meet up with bride #1 to catch a bus at 8:30am to Philly for my first shower of the weekend for my friend from high school, Jasmine. She's Jasmine because she is engaged to an Indian man (the ones with the dots, not feathers) and she is having a very extravagant American/Indian wedding with horses and everything later this summer. I constantly picture her wedding to be like the scene from Aladdin when he first becomes a prince and goes to the castle. Therefore, "Jasmine" seems to fit.
From Philly, my other bride friend, Sock, will be picking me up and we have to drive back to NJ. I'll be spending the night with her at her dad's house that night after we hit up her friend's birthday party. I'm the maid of honor in this wedding so this one I will be back in my normal role of getting to the restaurant early to set up before. Damn.
Okay, so I'd like to know how I'm going to make it through this weekend? I'm just about recovered from my Iceland trip; however, my good friend that moved away is back in town this weekend and a bunch of us old co-workers are going out for HH tonight and we are all RAGIN' to go. This is really going to affect my 7am wake-up. I also have a truckload of presents, favors, and my own clothes to bring with me...not really sure how that's going to happen. I've already warned Jazzy that she will be able to find me easily because I'll be the one with my head in the garbage can barfing my car bombs out. Maybe I should apologize ahead of time for puking on her gifts while I'm at it? This is painting a lovely picture for all of you, isn't it?
Sure, I could be a responsible 28yr old adult and go out for a normal happy hour and not guzzle my brains out, but what the hell kind of fun is that?? I'm tired of worrying about being in tip-top shape for stinkin' bridal showers that aren't even for me, so I say, pile on the vodka!! I'll deal with my drunk ass in the morning and pull it together like the champ that I am.
Salute!
P.S - Don't think for one minute that I didn't purposely title this post "BS Weekend 2010" for nothing.
I'll be heading to lovely Port Authority to meet up with bride #1 to catch a bus at 8:30am to Philly for my first shower of the weekend for my friend from high school, Jasmine. She's Jasmine because she is engaged to an Indian man (the ones with the dots, not feathers) and she is having a very extravagant American/Indian wedding with horses and everything later this summer. I constantly picture her wedding to be like the scene from Aladdin when he first becomes a prince and goes to the castle. Therefore, "Jasmine" seems to fit.
From Philly, my other bride friend, Sock, will be picking me up and we have to drive back to NJ. I'll be spending the night with her at her dad's house that night after we hit up her friend's birthday party. I'm the maid of honor in this wedding so this one I will be back in my normal role of getting to the restaurant early to set up before. Damn.
Okay, so I'd like to know how I'm going to make it through this weekend? I'm just about recovered from my Iceland trip; however, my good friend that moved away is back in town this weekend and a bunch of us old co-workers are going out for HH tonight and we are all RAGIN' to go. This is really going to affect my 7am wake-up. I also have a truckload of presents, favors, and my own clothes to bring with me...not really sure how that's going to happen. I've already warned Jazzy that she will be able to find me easily because I'll be the one with my head in the garbage can barfing my car bombs out. Maybe I should apologize ahead of time for puking on her gifts while I'm at it? This is painting a lovely picture for all of you, isn't it?
Sure, I could be a responsible 28yr old adult and go out for a normal happy hour and not guzzle my brains out, but what the hell kind of fun is that?? I'm tired of worrying about being in tip-top shape for stinkin' bridal showers that aren't even for me, so I say, pile on the vodka!! I'll deal with my drunk ass in the morning and pull it together like the champ that I am.
Salute!
P.S - Don't think for one minute that I didn't purposely title this post "BS Weekend 2010" for nothing.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Icelandic Reports
Well, well, well what do we have here? That's right, Icelandic men.
I just returned from a week vacation in Iceland with the fam. Right off the bat, I have to say that it was one of my favorite countries that I've been to, and I've been to a lot of countries kids! Everything there is very calming (minus the crazy amount of volcanoes, of course). There are literally no billboards in the streets, no advertising constantly in your face...it's very simple, clean, and the people there are super nice.
Now, I'd like to report my most important findings. I never knew one thing about Iceland before I went, so I had no idea what to expect. The one thing I did notice is that the men that they breed over there are. HOT. I'd like to know where these dudes have been hiding? Not only are they quite good looking, but they are extremely nice, and most importantly, THEY WEAR DEODORANT!! Hoooraaayyy! Finally, a European country that has gotten the memo on not smelling like a dirty old goat that just crawled out of a sewer. I swear, I didn't get one stinky stench while I was over there!
OK, sorry...I get excited when foreigners don't smell like total butt. Seriously though, I'm putting these guys right up on the top of my list for the moment (my tastes tends to switch a lot). So, what I would like to know is this:
1. Who is moving to Iceland with me?
2. Who knows how I can go about moving there?
3. Who will come to my Icelandic wedding?
The faster I find answers to these questions, the better people. Please advise.
Cheers bitches.
I just returned from a week vacation in Iceland with the fam. Right off the bat, I have to say that it was one of my favorite countries that I've been to, and I've been to a lot of countries kids! Everything there is very calming (minus the crazy amount of volcanoes, of course). There are literally no billboards in the streets, no advertising constantly in your face...it's very simple, clean, and the people there are super nice.
Now, I'd like to report my most important findings. I never knew one thing about Iceland before I went, so I had no idea what to expect. The one thing I did notice is that the men that they breed over there are. HOT. I'd like to know where these dudes have been hiding? Not only are they quite good looking, but they are extremely nice, and most importantly, THEY WEAR DEODORANT!! Hoooraaayyy! Finally, a European country that has gotten the memo on not smelling like a dirty old goat that just crawled out of a sewer. I swear, I didn't get one stinky stench while I was over there!
OK, sorry...I get excited when foreigners don't smell like total butt. Seriously though, I'm putting these guys right up on the top of my list for the moment (my tastes tends to switch a lot). So, what I would like to know is this:
1. Who is moving to Iceland with me?
2. Who knows how I can go about moving there?
3. Who will come to my Icelandic wedding?
The faster I find answers to these questions, the better people. Please advise.
Cheers bitches.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Blogging About Blogging
Well, folks, in the short time that this blog has been going on, it seems that one of my postings has already pissed off a reader. I wrote about my experience in her wedding and some of the bs that went on with her mother and sister. Honestly, I knew that when I wrote it that I would probably be ruffling some feathers, but at the same, what I wrote about happened 4 years ago and I thought it was laughable at this point. I was certainly laughing, I'm sure some of you were too. She was not.
Now, I don't mean to sound like a cold-hearted person or insensitive here because I fully understand that it's unacceptable to talk about someones family in a bad way. However, where exactly do you draw the line on that rule? Come on, you all know there's a line. If you are in a wedding and something like that happens to you, I'm thinking that's crossing it. Please tell me if you all feel differently.
Furthermore, this is my blog about my past and present stories about being a bridesmaid and going on ridiculous dates. Hence, the title...der. My intentions for this little project is definitely not to hurt or offend anyone, especially my friends. If something insane happens to me, whether or not it's a date or a being in a wedding, guess what, it's definitely going in here (something to keep in mind, fyi muahahaha). That is kind of the point in doing this, right? Or did I miss something...
The biggest reason I find this one person to be acting totally ridiculous is because she's known me for almost 10 years. HELLO?! I'm probably one of the most blunt, honest, no-bullshit, sarcastic people in the entire world, what do you expect from me?? Jeesh! I'm not saying it's always good, but things like this happen. Most of my friends realize this about me, but just in case, please don't take this stuff too seriously, kids. If you are reading these entries and are getting miffed, then you should just stop reading because I'm going to keep writing. It's all in good fun for cryin' out loud!!
P.S - If for some reason you don't want to end up in here, maybe think about not treating me like trash. Karma's a bitch.
Now, I don't mean to sound like a cold-hearted person or insensitive here because I fully understand that it's unacceptable to talk about someones family in a bad way. However, where exactly do you draw the line on that rule? Come on, you all know there's a line. If you are in a wedding and something like that happens to you, I'm thinking that's crossing it. Please tell me if you all feel differently.
Furthermore, this is my blog about my past and present stories about being a bridesmaid and going on ridiculous dates. Hence, the title...der. My intentions for this little project is definitely not to hurt or offend anyone, especially my friends. If something insane happens to me, whether or not it's a date or a being in a wedding, guess what, it's definitely going in here (something to keep in mind, fyi muahahaha). That is kind of the point in doing this, right? Or did I miss something...
The biggest reason I find this one person to be acting totally ridiculous is because she's known me for almost 10 years. HELLO?! I'm probably one of the most blunt, honest, no-bullshit, sarcastic people in the entire world, what do you expect from me?? Jeesh! I'm not saying it's always good, but things like this happen. Most of my friends realize this about me, but just in case, please don't take this stuff too seriously, kids. If you are reading these entries and are getting miffed, then you should just stop reading because I'm going to keep writing. It's all in good fun for cryin' out loud!!
P.S - If for some reason you don't want to end up in here, maybe think about not treating me like trash. Karma's a bitch.
Monday, June 14, 2010
T.M.I
Okay...please tell me when is it acceptable to take someone out on the first date and open up about health issues? That's what I thought...never!! Welp, leave it to me to land a date like that.
I had known this guy for awhile - super nice, but he was always kind of dorky and shy, so we never really spoke too much before. When I was home from college one summer, I saw him out one night and he was suddenly pretty darn good looking! He lost the glasses, got rid of the nerdy haircut, figured out how to dress and was suddenly much more confident. I have a thing for confident men (no, not arrogant and cocky...confident. there's a difference! men - learn it) so when he asked me out, I was definitely open to going out with him. He suggested the typical dinner and a movie since there was nothing else to do in Syracuse, NY.
First of all, "dinner" was at the mall in the food court. No, not a restaurant in the food court area, the actual food court!! I was laughing to myself because it wasn't even like we were late for the movie where we didn't have time to eat, this is just where he thought sounded good. Apparently, I looked way more laid back than I really am about where guys take me on a first date. Whatever, I got over it because after all, he did get a makeover!
As we're eating, he starts telling me about how he really tries to be healthy most of the time. No, not because he likes to stay in shape, but because he has really bad psoriasis all over his body! As he continues this amazing story, ah hem, while we were eating, he lifts up his sleeve so that I can get a real nice look. All of this totally made me want to hop in the sack with him, let me tell ya! Then he starts telling me how he treats this condition and I'm now at the very edge of my food court chair ready to make a run for it. He tells me that he's into all these natural remedies that his mom told him to use, which is a variety of teas, mixes, potions, who the hell knows what else, I kept zoning out. Next, as we are still eating, he begins to tell me about this one specific mixture that he started using, which really helped clear him up. The only bad thing about it was that "it really burned when he peed." Swear. to. GOD! Went on and on in detail about how bad it burned, so he stopped using it. I'm surprised he didn't want to show me an example.
At this point, I think I stopped speaking for the remainder of the night because I was beyond disgusted and also wondering where things took a turn towards crazy town here. Don't get me wrong, I'm just flattered that he felt comfortable enough with me to tell me these lovely details, but I could have done without it until maybe the 2nd or 3rd date...especially now that he told me it burns when he pees. I'm pretty sure they call that an STD buddy boy! Needless to say, there was no second date (shocking).
And my friends wonder why my standards are a little high!!! Der!!
I had known this guy for awhile - super nice, but he was always kind of dorky and shy, so we never really spoke too much before. When I was home from college one summer, I saw him out one night and he was suddenly pretty darn good looking! He lost the glasses, got rid of the nerdy haircut, figured out how to dress and was suddenly much more confident. I have a thing for confident men (no, not arrogant and cocky...confident. there's a difference! men - learn it) so when he asked me out, I was definitely open to going out with him. He suggested the typical dinner and a movie since there was nothing else to do in Syracuse, NY.
First of all, "dinner" was at the mall in the food court. No, not a restaurant in the food court area, the actual food court!! I was laughing to myself because it wasn't even like we were late for the movie where we didn't have time to eat, this is just where he thought sounded good. Apparently, I looked way more laid back than I really am about where guys take me on a first date. Whatever, I got over it because after all, he did get a makeover!
As we're eating, he starts telling me about how he really tries to be healthy most of the time. No, not because he likes to stay in shape, but because he has really bad psoriasis all over his body! As he continues this amazing story, ah hem, while we were eating, he lifts up his sleeve so that I can get a real nice look. All of this totally made me want to hop in the sack with him, let me tell ya! Then he starts telling me how he treats this condition and I'm now at the very edge of my food court chair ready to make a run for it. He tells me that he's into all these natural remedies that his mom told him to use, which is a variety of teas, mixes, potions, who the hell knows what else, I kept zoning out. Next, as we are still eating, he begins to tell me about this one specific mixture that he started using, which really helped clear him up. The only bad thing about it was that "it really burned when he peed." Swear. to. GOD! Went on and on in detail about how bad it burned, so he stopped using it. I'm surprised he didn't want to show me an example.
At this point, I think I stopped speaking for the remainder of the night because I was beyond disgusted and also wondering where things took a turn towards crazy town here. Don't get me wrong, I'm just flattered that he felt comfortable enough with me to tell me these lovely details, but I could have done without it until maybe the 2nd or 3rd date...especially now that he told me it burns when he pees. I'm pretty sure they call that an STD buddy boy! Needless to say, there was no second date (shocking).
And my friends wonder why my standards are a little high!!! Der!!
Freelance Bridesmaid
For awhile, I had my job and employer on facebook listed as "Professional Bridesmaid" employed by "Friends of Laine." I certainly got a big kick out of myself for having that up there, but it was also kind of true. Of course the salary field could probably be more like "air miles accumulated," but for the most part, it's the truth.
Now, I'm very happy to be working for my employers over the years and if they ask me for advice, I will certainly help. It's no secret that I've learned a great deal about the wedding biz, the bridesmaid biz(a.k.a money hustling from other women), the bridesmaidzilla/bridezilla biz(a.k.a put these hookers in their place). However, I have finally decided to draw the line at helping brides who have their own bridal party to consult. So, to all of you, please read the below letter that I have quickly drawn up:
Dear Brides Who Didn't Ask Me To Be In Their Wedding~
First of all, thank you. Second, you have all selected your bridal party for a reason. They are probably your family or close friends. I'm assuming it's safe to say that they know you well enough to help you out with your wedding ideas. So, why are you asking me what my opinion is?! When I ask how your wedding planning is going, I really want to know, but that doesn't mean I'm volunteering to be your freelance bridesmaid! I know I am the best that's out there and someone with exquisite taste, but I can't spread myself to thin (enough of the dirty jokes).
I'm sorry if you picked b-maids with bad taste or no interest, but I am exhausted and getting ready to retire. I have no more good ideas left. The few good ones I do have left are reserved for my closest friends(although I'm not sure there are many left that missed the same boat I did). I'm not trying to sound rude, but I kind of am, so yeah...sorry about that. HA!
Cheers,
Laine B :)
Now, I'm very happy to be working for my employers over the years and if they ask me for advice, I will certainly help. It's no secret that I've learned a great deal about the wedding biz, the bridesmaid biz(a.k.a money hustling from other women), the bridesmaidzilla/bridezilla biz(a.k.a put these hookers in their place). However, I have finally decided to draw the line at helping brides who have their own bridal party to consult. So, to all of you, please read the below letter that I have quickly drawn up:
Dear Brides Who Didn't Ask Me To Be In Their Wedding~
First of all, thank you. Second, you have all selected your bridal party for a reason. They are probably your family or close friends. I'm assuming it's safe to say that they know you well enough to help you out with your wedding ideas. So, why are you asking me what my opinion is?! When I ask how your wedding planning is going, I really want to know, but that doesn't mean I'm volunteering to be your freelance bridesmaid! I know I am the best that's out there and someone with exquisite taste, but I can't spread myself to thin (enough of the dirty jokes).
I'm sorry if you picked b-maids with bad taste or no interest, but I am exhausted and getting ready to retire. I have no more good ideas left. The few good ones I do have left are reserved for my closest friends(although I'm not sure there are many left that missed the same boat I did). I'm not trying to sound rude, but I kind of am, so yeah...sorry about that. HA!
Cheers,
Laine B :)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Seriously? Seriously.
Alright, I just got home from a night out for my cousin's birthday celebration. Actually, I just got home from an entire day of drinking. Started with my good friend, Red, at 3pm with some beers and Double Dragon, and then out with the cousins. I was going to wait until it wasn't 1 in the morning to write about tonight's events, but I decided it couldn't wait. Mainly because I've been drinking since 3pm and I'm afraid I might not remember tomorrow.
My cousin turned 27 today/yesterday and my other cousin, his sister, is 20. Somehow, my 20yr old cousin showed her REAL license and got into the lounge we went to. Hilarious. Now, she is up here for an internship at Fox News for the summer and has been here for a couple of weeks. She tells me tonight that she had a date yesterday. Seriously?!?!? She's been here 2 weeks and has already picked up some dudes? I will say that she doesn't always have the best taste in guys, but STILL!
Here's what really got me going. Chong (actually, we're switching that to Cheech because I just realized that the name "chong" reminded me of something I hate) showed up...with the girlfriend! If you read "FB Stalking Gone Bad" you will know who I'm talking about. The thing about this is that he came in, gave me a high five and acted all fine and peachy to me...asked how I was, what I've been up to, etc (naturally, I told him that I've been amazing and that my life is fabulous), AND THEN INTRODUCED THE GF TO ME! Hey, moron, I don't need to meet the girl you ditched me for, but if you really want me to see how much better I am than her, so be it. After that, I totally caught Cheech staring me down out of the corner of my eye. Then he popped over and parked right next to me for like the entire time he was there and tried to make conversation with me. Again, this was probably because that girl he chose over me was BUSTED and kind of looked like Snookie (I mean, come on, I'm so much cuter). Seriously though? This crap would happen to me.
Cleary, this whole night called for more alcohol. Cheech and Snookie left shortly after arriving...I'm going to go ahead and say that it's because they are a "couple" and are now required to be boring when they are out together (no offense friends, no offense). I continued my night of debauchery, hopped a cab home, got pizza, dropped it on my floor, decided that the 5 second rule applied and ate it anyway. Seriously. Aaaahh, amazing night!!
My cousin turned 27 today/yesterday and my other cousin, his sister, is 20. Somehow, my 20yr old cousin showed her REAL license and got into the lounge we went to. Hilarious. Now, she is up here for an internship at Fox News for the summer and has been here for a couple of weeks. She tells me tonight that she had a date yesterday. Seriously?!?!? She's been here 2 weeks and has already picked up some dudes? I will say that she doesn't always have the best taste in guys, but STILL!
Here's what really got me going. Chong (actually, we're switching that to Cheech because I just realized that the name "chong" reminded me of something I hate) showed up...with the girlfriend! If you read "FB Stalking Gone Bad" you will know who I'm talking about. The thing about this is that he came in, gave me a high five and acted all fine and peachy to me...asked how I was, what I've been up to, etc (naturally, I told him that I've been amazing and that my life is fabulous), AND THEN INTRODUCED THE GF TO ME! Hey, moron, I don't need to meet the girl you ditched me for, but if you really want me to see how much better I am than her, so be it. After that, I totally caught Cheech staring me down out of the corner of my eye. Then he popped over and parked right next to me for like the entire time he was there and tried to make conversation with me. Again, this was probably because that girl he chose over me was BUSTED and kind of looked like Snookie (I mean, come on, I'm so much cuter). Seriously though? This crap would happen to me.
Cleary, this whole night called for more alcohol. Cheech and Snookie left shortly after arriving...I'm going to go ahead and say that it's because they are a "couple" and are now required to be boring when they are out together (no offense friends, no offense). I continued my night of debauchery, hopped a cab home, got pizza, dropped it on my floor, decided that the 5 second rule applied and ate it anyway. Seriously. Aaaahh, amazing night!!
Friday, June 11, 2010
NERD ALERT!
So, today, I had a great memory that I decided was necessary to share. You may not find this as funny as I do, but I thought about it and realized that I don't really care! Ha! What sparked this memory was the creation of my fan page on FB for this blog (total plug). For the FB page, I selected a default picture that was taken on my Italy trip 2 years ago. However, this story is from my very first trip to Italy back in 1999.
I went on this trip with my parents along with a large group of people from my mom's company at the time. These trips were a yearly occurrence with basically the same group of people and sometimes they would bring their kids too. Always a blast! Well, this time, one of the women brought her 2 son's with her and one of them took a liking to me (as they usually do). This would have been great if the guy wasn't a total NERD. We'll call him "Dad Jeans."
First of all, he had a pretty bad southern accent and that's never a good thing. Second, he had a side part in his hair. Third, his jeans were up to his armpits and his shirt was tucked in as tight as it could go. Hey...don't frown at me...I was 17 or 18 years old at the time, these things mattered!!! Dad Jeans was extremely nice, and we got along, but he was soooooo super clingy. This dude would not leave my side the entire trip and he was far too mature for me. He was all mega-genius and wanted to have "real" conversations all the time. Sorry Mr. "Let's get married, have kids, read the paper, drink coffee in the morning and discuss daily events"...I had some drinking to do.....and one of the other guys on the trip was cuter.
DJ was totally crampin' my style. This trip was also the beginning of my friendship with Ms. Corningstone, so I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that we kept trying to ditch him...while probably searching for alcohol (side note: Had I known that Corningstone had never really drank before, I would have limited her intake of sambuca shots to save her from barfing over the side of the boat. Sorry Veronica, lock it up). Aaah, some things never change when Ms. Corningstone and I get together... Anyways, below is a priceless picture of us from one of the most memorable nights on the trip. You can probably guess which one is Dad Jeans...and Ms. Corningstone is probably an obvious pick too:
I went on this trip with my parents along with a large group of people from my mom's company at the time. These trips were a yearly occurrence with basically the same group of people and sometimes they would bring their kids too. Always a blast! Well, this time, one of the women brought her 2 son's with her and one of them took a liking to me (as they usually do). This would have been great if the guy wasn't a total NERD. We'll call him "Dad Jeans."
First of all, he had a pretty bad southern accent and that's never a good thing. Second, he had a side part in his hair. Third, his jeans were up to his armpits and his shirt was tucked in as tight as it could go. Hey...don't frown at me...I was 17 or 18 years old at the time, these things mattered!!! Dad Jeans was extremely nice, and we got along, but he was soooooo super clingy. This dude would not leave my side the entire trip and he was far too mature for me. He was all mega-genius and wanted to have "real" conversations all the time. Sorry Mr. "Let's get married, have kids, read the paper, drink coffee in the morning and discuss daily events"...I had some drinking to do.....and one of the other guys on the trip was cuter.
DJ was totally crampin' my style. This trip was also the beginning of my friendship with Ms. Corningstone, so I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that we kept trying to ditch him...while probably searching for alcohol (side note: Had I known that Corningstone had never really drank before, I would have limited her intake of sambuca shots to save her from barfing over the side of the boat. Sorry Veronica, lock it up). Aaah, some things never change when Ms. Corningstone and I get together... Anyways, below is a priceless picture of us from one of the most memorable nights on the trip. You can probably guess which one is Dad Jeans...and Ms. Corningstone is probably an obvious pick too:
Just so you all know, Dad Jeans SLID across the table to get in this picture, which is probably why I look so uncomfortable and clenching my beer.
Courtesy of Ms. Corningstone after she read this and realized I missed the most amazing picture of all:
Need I say more? These are the men I attract...yes, still.
I'd also like to add that I really don't think I had a point with this entry, but I had to find a reason to include these pictures. Hope you had a good laugh!!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Hurricane Cruella
As I've said before, I have been in a crazy amount of weddings, especially between the ages of 22-28. Most of the bridal parties have been fine to plan with, but there are some absolute crazies along with some straight up dumbasses that I've had to deal with. I've even been cursed out by a mother of the bride! That was fun to put down in the books, let me tell ya. Actually, I was going go into another event that happened recently, but now that I just relived that moment for a hot second and got a mini-panic attack again, I think I'll share the misery of that wedding.
This mess took place back in 2007. There were 3 of us from college that were really close; however, the bride only chose me as a b'maid (cause I'm the shit). This is her decision and that's fine, but she didn't bother to tell our other friend this, so of course it was left on MY shoulders when I had to tell her that I was asked to be in the wedding and she wasn't. That was strike 1, but we got through it.
P.S. - If you can find a way to say "no" to being a bridal party that you know might be hell, do it!! ...and let me know what you come up with while you're at it.
This mess took place back in 2007. There were 3 of us from college that were really close; however, the bride only chose me as a b'maid (cause I'm the shit). This is her decision and that's fine, but she didn't bother to tell our other friend this, so of course it was left on MY shoulders when I had to tell her that I was asked to be in the wedding and she wasn't. That was strike 1, but we got through it.
The second strike came along, and I knew it was going to be a rough road, when the bride was blackmailed into having her BEAST of a sister as her maid of honor, rather than her best friend (who rocks). Just to give you an idea of how Cruella (the beast sister) operated, she told her own sister that she refused to be a bridesmaid or show up at the wedding if she was not the crowned the maid of honor. This girl was dead serious. This is also the same sister that told the bride that her engagement ring was "so not her." These two were not close AT ALL. She was known to be a beast at all times, so we were all scared to death when we found this out. At the time, Cruella lived in the city (lucky me) so she wanted to get together to go over a few things. I met up with her and her dud of a boyfriend, now fiance(naturally), and she basically had a pile of notes with her and made me a copy of it. How sweet. She also told me, during this lovely hour of my life that I will never get back, that she wanted me to let her know if she came across as rude or too demanding in her emails to the wedding party. I felt this was a good sign because she knew how I worked and that I'd flat out tell her what was up, so she must have been fine with that. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that there were several emails that went out to the entire bridal party (because obviously there had to be a damn co-ed shower on top of the regular bridal shower) that were beyond demanding. After one of these emails went too far, I shot her an email. It wasn't harsh in the least...I basically told her that she may want to rephrase her emails so that it looks like she's actually asking for our opinion on things, rather than just telling us what to do and how much we owe so that everyone doesn't freak out. One of the groomsman emailed her as well and said something similar.
The following result of these two emails that went to Cruella is what pushed me over the edge and finally made me not give a rat's patooty about anyone else's bullshit for the rest of my bridesmaid career (and there's a LOT of bullshit that I can tell you about). About 10 minutes after I send my constructive criticism to Cruella, I get an email from her mother. I hadn't even heard a word back from Cruella because apparently, she lied to me before and really didn't want me to keep her in line. Her mother's email said nothing but "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! YOU BETTER CALL ME RIGHT NOW!!! I'VE HAD IT!!" Ummm, side note - what mother talks to their daughter's friends like that? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?...Bueller? Just wondered. So I call her mother, ya know, in the middle of my work day, and in her nicest tone possible, without taking a breath says "WHAT THE HELL IS THE PROBLEM WITH YOU TWO?! I've read every email that Cruella has sent out and I think they are just fine. She's going through all this trouble to make sure everyone is happy and you guys are just fucking yelling at her. I'm really fucking pissed off. Cruella is being soo nice." Very classy, right? After I changed my undies, I explained to this woman that Cruella told me to keep her in check, I was just doing what she asked and if Cruella had an issue, then she could tell me. Then she spewed out something else and hung up the phone and within the next hour wrote an email to the other groomsman...apparently it was the meanest email ever written in history. Sooo wish I got to read that one, but oh well. Seriously though, WHAT MOTHER TALKS TO THEIR CHILD'S FRIENDS LIKE THAT?! To this day it shocks me. That's like 93 strikes or something. Needless to say, it was really fun to see her at the Jack n' Jill shower (people, please stop this stupid ass trend. it's just dumb, nobody thinks it's cute.) where she put on a lovely show because the bride knew none of this was going on.
The rest of the planning went pretty much the same, but I stopped giving Cruella any advice or opinions. Even when she handed all of us a binder that she had put together with a tasks page, ideas page, etc, I didn't say a word and played the perfect bridesmaid roll that I was born to play. Also, as this planning went on and I shared these horror stories with my other friend who got pushed to the side, somehow those two became friends again and she was at the wedding. Maybe it's because she witnessed all of my stress and panic attacks and was thankful as all hell to the bride for not making her suffer through this hell. Oh oh, wait...and to top everything off, I got stuck having an old hag do my hair for the actual wedding day and she made me look like Marge Simpson. Seriously, even my mom told me that I looked like Marge. You be the judge...here's a couple of pictures (obviously drink. in. hand.):
P.S. - If you can find a way to say "no" to being a bridal party that you know might be hell, do it!! ...and let me know what you come up with while you're at it.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
FB Stalking Gone Bad
Facebook stalking. We all do it to some extent, right? Right. Don't sit there and act like you don't, you liars!! What else is there do while you are at work, work? What, do you actually read while you're up late at night (shutup Ms. Corningstone)? Ummm no. Prime time to stalk it up!
So, I was bored the other night and was lurking around some friends pages when I somehow stumbled upon information about some choice men that I really did not need to see. More specifically, this information was regarding two men that I was seeing/kind of dating but not really/had a thing with/was hanging out with (of course, never officially called my boyfriend) at some point within the past year or two. No, not at the same time, you whores. This tidbit of information showed that they were both "in a relationship" now.
Here's a semi-short version of each backup story. I'll refer to the first guy, and biggest punch in the stomach, as "Polly." This is because he was truly the male version of Polly from the movie, Along Came Polly. All over the place, never committed to anything until the last minute, etc. Basically, a huge pain in the ass. Anyways, him and I had a "thing" for about 8 months...yep, a "thing"..for 8 months, and the feelings, games and bullshit lingered on for like an extra year after that. By bullshit, I mean him treating me like a load of crap on the street. Started out great of course, but then he constantly tore me to shreds no matter what I did or said. Don't ask me why I let this go on..I was bored..it happens when you're always single, so shut it. It all started to come to an end when he told me about this 20 year old girl, now 21, that he met on the train one night. They didn't date because she was young and lived in FL, etc, but he'd constantly talk about her and tell me how great she is and that she never gets mad about things, blah, blah, barf, barf. Yea, he'd tell this crap to ME. Mr. Sensativity. And hey, idiot, you know why she never gets mad about anything?? BECAUSE SHE'S 21, STILL IN SCHOOL AND WORKS AT DISNEY WORLD. Ass. Oh, and did I mention that Polly was 35 at the time, now 36? Clearly, this sent me through the roof. Hellooo, I was getting ditched for a flippin' 21 yr old tramp (she so is, I saw her fb pics...stalking rules)!! I thought guys weren't supposed to trade me in until I was 50 or something? Grr. Eventually, it got to the point where Polly and I couldn't have a conversation without fighting and him bitching me out, so I cut off all communication and deleted him from everything, including Facebook. Little did I know, this would not stop me because I ran into HER page the other night and see "in a relationship with Polly" and had a friend confirm that it was, in fact, not a hallucination and that his page said the same thing.
The second idiot background story isn't quite as bad, but still pretty sweet and just happened a few months ago. We will call him "Chong" because, well, he's kind of a pothead. Honestly, I probably wouldn't have tried to have a real relationship with him because he's a 27yr old pothead, but still (no offense to any tokin' readers). Nothing wrong with once in awhile, but when it runs your life, there's a problem. Anyways, Chong and I had some tension going on for awhile. I don't know what attracted me to him, but he was really fun when we were out with our mutual friends, so I'm guessing that's what got me. We would have little drunken makeout sessions here and there and then a few months ago, things started to move forward. I didn't really take him too seriously, but then he was suddenly obsessed with me (who wouldn't be). Calling me, taking me out, texting every day...he even went on vacation with the guys and kept in touch every day. I was kind of shocked and was actually starting to respect him or something crazy like that. So, a couple weeks of all this, I go out, he's there, acting normal...he walks me home and we go our seperate ways, no big deal. I get a TEXT from him like 10 minutes after I get into my apt saying that "the timing with us is just bad because things kind of took a turn with another girl. i still want to hang out with you, but wanted you to know that i am seeing other people." UMMMM ok doucher, so you are basically telling me that you have been seeing ONE other girl while keeping me on the back burner, things are getting more serious with HER and you are probably going to pick her over me. Sweet, thanks for giving me the heads up that I'm second best. He tells me that seeing me, makes him think twice about this other girl. F that, ass. So I tell him that I deserve better than him and call that one a day. Again, little did I know how much I loved to stalk when I'm bored and lonely.
Now, please explain to me 3 things:
A) Why I am a psycho-hose beast and managed to land on the 21yr old's fb page.
B) Why are these two JERKS are no longer single and I still am???
C) Why do I date/see/have things with/call it anything but have a boyfriend...with these men who clearly do not see what an awesome psycho-hose beast I am??
Ladies and Gents...this is a prime warning to be careful while you are FB stalking. It's all fun and games until somebody gets shot in the leg.
Go F yourself, San Diego.
So, I was bored the other night and was lurking around some friends pages when I somehow stumbled upon information about some choice men that I really did not need to see. More specifically, this information was regarding two men that I was seeing/kind of dating but not really/had a thing with/was hanging out with (of course, never officially called my boyfriend) at some point within the past year or two. No, not at the same time, you whores. This tidbit of information showed that they were both "in a relationship" now.
Here's a semi-short version of each backup story. I'll refer to the first guy, and biggest punch in the stomach, as "Polly." This is because he was truly the male version of Polly from the movie, Along Came Polly. All over the place, never committed to anything until the last minute, etc. Basically, a huge pain in the ass. Anyways, him and I had a "thing" for about 8 months...yep, a "thing"..for 8 months, and the feelings, games and bullshit lingered on for like an extra year after that. By bullshit, I mean him treating me like a load of crap on the street. Started out great of course, but then he constantly tore me to shreds no matter what I did or said. Don't ask me why I let this go on..I was bored..it happens when you're always single, so shut it. It all started to come to an end when he told me about this 20 year old girl, now 21, that he met on the train one night. They didn't date because she was young and lived in FL, etc, but he'd constantly talk about her and tell me how great she is and that she never gets mad about things, blah, blah, barf, barf. Yea, he'd tell this crap to ME. Mr. Sensativity. And hey, idiot, you know why she never gets mad about anything?? BECAUSE SHE'S 21, STILL IN SCHOOL AND WORKS AT DISNEY WORLD. Ass. Oh, and did I mention that Polly was 35 at the time, now 36? Clearly, this sent me through the roof. Hellooo, I was getting ditched for a flippin' 21 yr old tramp (she so is, I saw her fb pics...stalking rules)!! I thought guys weren't supposed to trade me in until I was 50 or something? Grr. Eventually, it got to the point where Polly and I couldn't have a conversation without fighting and him bitching me out, so I cut off all communication and deleted him from everything, including Facebook. Little did I know, this would not stop me because I ran into HER page the other night and see "in a relationship with Polly" and had a friend confirm that it was, in fact, not a hallucination and that his page said the same thing.
The second idiot background story isn't quite as bad, but still pretty sweet and just happened a few months ago. We will call him "Chong" because, well, he's kind of a pothead. Honestly, I probably wouldn't have tried to have a real relationship with him because he's a 27yr old pothead, but still (no offense to any tokin' readers). Nothing wrong with once in awhile, but when it runs your life, there's a problem. Anyways, Chong and I had some tension going on for awhile. I don't know what attracted me to him, but he was really fun when we were out with our mutual friends, so I'm guessing that's what got me. We would have little drunken makeout sessions here and there and then a few months ago, things started to move forward. I didn't really take him too seriously, but then he was suddenly obsessed with me (who wouldn't be). Calling me, taking me out, texting every day...he even went on vacation with the guys and kept in touch every day. I was kind of shocked and was actually starting to respect him or something crazy like that. So, a couple weeks of all this, I go out, he's there, acting normal...he walks me home and we go our seperate ways, no big deal. I get a TEXT from him like 10 minutes after I get into my apt saying that "the timing with us is just bad because things kind of took a turn with another girl. i still want to hang out with you, but wanted you to know that i am seeing other people." UMMMM ok doucher, so you are basically telling me that you have been seeing ONE other girl while keeping me on the back burner, things are getting more serious with HER and you are probably going to pick her over me. Sweet, thanks for giving me the heads up that I'm second best. He tells me that seeing me, makes him think twice about this other girl. F that, ass. So I tell him that I deserve better than him and call that one a day. Again, little did I know how much I loved to stalk when I'm bored and lonely.
Now, please explain to me 3 things:
A) Why I am a psycho-hose beast and managed to land on the 21yr old's fb page.
B) Why are these two JERKS are no longer single and I still am???
C) Why do I date/see/have things with/call it anything but have a boyfriend...with these men who clearly do not see what an awesome psycho-hose beast I am??
Ladies and Gents...this is a prime warning to be careful while you are FB stalking. It's all fun and games until somebody gets shot in the leg.
Go F yourself, San Diego.
Monday, June 7, 2010
So It Begins..
Welp, here it is. Of all things that I've done in my life, I never once considered blogging. I'm not much of a writer (esp since I write how I talk, which can go either way at times), and I really don't like to have my life hanging out there for everyone to see. However, since I've lived in Manhattan for the past 5+ years, several of my friends have told me that I need to either write a book or a blog. So, I choose blog (let's be honest, writing a book is way too much work and I might have to use correct grammar).
I keep a close circle of friends (let's hope that they stay that way after I get into writing this thing) and they have all had to sit through me telling them all about my odd and awful dates, my semi-relationships (god forbid, they are legit boyfriends) with men, as well as my gagillion bridesmaid experiences. Most of the time, they find these stories comical because that's how ridiculous they actually are. Other times, they probably want to smack me in the face and tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on. Okay, that's probably all the time, actually. You know what though? While I will admit that they may be right in some situations, most of them are already married, well on their way to be married, or have zero issues finding semi-normal men to have long-term relationships with. I, on the other hand, have serious problems in this department. I'm 28 years old and my longest real boyfriend was for 5 months, and that was when I was 18 years old (omg, I just felt like I was Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed). Needless to say, I am beyond frustrated at this point and I think I have every right to be. So all of you out there with your sweet boyfriends/husbands/fiance's and claim you want to live through me? Yea, you can all eat it.
Okay, sorry. Sometimes, I go on rants and don't know when to stop. I'm genuinely happy for all of my friends, I swear. I am honored to have been asked to stand up in all of their weddings (that's about 9, but who's counting..) and have had a blast! I even like most of the grooms! I really wouldn't have had it any other way. I just thought that I would have at least found someone for myself by now, is that so wrong? It gets pretty depressing going on bad date after bad date, being told that "something is missing" with me (stay tuned for that radness), to constantly have to plan someone else's wedding, someone else's bridal shower, someone else's bachelorette party, year after year after year.
Jerks. Love you all though, seriously. Shake n' Bake.
Don't get me wrong, I know that my life is fun and exciting. Living in one of the largest cities in the world in my twenties has overall been amazing so far. It's not like I've been dying to get married since age 20 or anything because there is nooooo way I was even thinking about all of this back then. I actually don't think anyone should get married before 30, considering some of the stories I've heard (again, stay tuned). I'm so glad that I've gotten the opportunity to live my life the way I want it...travel when I want, go out when I want, not have to answer to anyone if I don't want to...okay, why lie, even if I do find someone, I will continue to live my life that way. I think it was around age 26 or 27 when I started to get sick of the totally ridiculous dates and started to wonder what the deal was here.
So maybe if I tell you about this crap and you guys read this crap, we can laugh it off (again for some of you) and actually move on like my friends tell me to do. Maybe some of you out there will even find this entertaining and can relate to it...then we can compare notes! Stay tuned for some fab stories about my past dates and bridesmaid experiences (NINE!!!).
Stay classy.
I keep a close circle of friends (let's hope that they stay that way after I get into writing this thing) and they have all had to sit through me telling them all about my odd and awful dates, my semi-relationships (god forbid, they are legit boyfriends) with men, as well as my gagillion bridesmaid experiences. Most of the time, they find these stories comical because that's how ridiculous they actually are. Other times, they probably want to smack me in the face and tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on. Okay, that's probably all the time, actually. You know what though? While I will admit that they may be right in some situations, most of them are already married, well on their way to be married, or have zero issues finding semi-normal men to have long-term relationships with. I, on the other hand, have serious problems in this department. I'm 28 years old and my longest real boyfriend was for 5 months, and that was when I was 18 years old (omg, I just felt like I was Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed). Needless to say, I am beyond frustrated at this point and I think I have every right to be. So all of you out there with your sweet boyfriends/husbands/fiance's and claim you want to live through me? Yea, you can all eat it.
Okay, sorry. Sometimes, I go on rants and don't know when to stop. I'm genuinely happy for all of my friends, I swear. I am honored to have been asked to stand up in all of their weddings (that's about 9, but who's counting..) and have had a blast! I even like most of the grooms! I really wouldn't have had it any other way. I just thought that I would have at least found someone for myself by now, is that so wrong? It gets pretty depressing going on bad date after bad date, being told that "something is missing" with me (stay tuned for that radness), to constantly have to plan someone else's wedding, someone else's bridal shower, someone else's bachelorette party, year after year after year.
Jerks. Love you all though, seriously. Shake n' Bake.Don't get me wrong, I know that my life is fun and exciting. Living in one of the largest cities in the world in my twenties has overall been amazing so far. It's not like I've been dying to get married since age 20 or anything because there is nooooo way I was even thinking about all of this back then. I actually don't think anyone should get married before 30, considering some of the stories I've heard (again, stay tuned). I'm so glad that I've gotten the opportunity to live my life the way I want it...travel when I want, go out when I want, not have to answer to anyone if I don't want to...okay, why lie, even if I do find someone, I will continue to live my life that way. I think it was around age 26 or 27 when I started to get sick of the totally ridiculous dates and started to wonder what the deal was here.
So maybe if I tell you about this crap and you guys read this crap, we can laugh it off (again for some of you) and actually move on like my friends tell me to do. Maybe some of you out there will even find this entertaining and can relate to it...then we can compare notes! Stay tuned for some fab stories about my past dates and bridesmaid experiences (NINE!!!).
Stay classy.
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