Okay, let's be honest here, he wasn't technically an "old flame" because we know that I don't really have "flames." I have "things." This guy, SP(I'll explain later), went to high school with my best friend, Staceeeey, so we met in 9th or 10th grade. We'd run into each other maybe once a year, if that, because we went to different schools, but we always got along. Sophomore year of college came along and I was home for the summer. Staceeeey and I went out to our fav watering hole and ran into SP. This was the first night that SP and I kind of hooked up. He drove like 40 minutes to my house at 2am HA! Suckerrr. These little meet-ups took place very rarely, like, once every year to year and a half in various cities. Nothing major ever really went on, it was just some semi-innocent fun.
Now, you're probably wondering why we never officially dated. There are a couple reason for this. He was very nice and a fun guy to hang out with, but he's kind of whiny when he doesn't get his way. So that was one reason, but not even as important as the others.
The biggest reason I gave him was because the first few times we hooked up - he had girlfriends! I know...AGAIN with me being the other woman (this was actually my first time being the other woman...wait, I just lied. That's another story)!! It's cool though, I didn't know the girl again. Okay, that's no excuse, but I was in college and in my early 20's...okay that's no excuse either...just leave me alone.
My second reason is mainly because...well...he just doesn't cut it in the unit region. AT ALL. Hence, the name "SP" and hence, nothing major ever happened when we hooked up because I just didn't think it was worth it. I swear I'm not a whore even though I'm talking like one right now, but this was, like, ridiculously noticeable. I just couldn't believe it and I didn't want this to be my life. HA!
SP has pursued me on and off for years now. We both live in NYC, which doesn't help things, and the first two years I was here I met up with him once or twice (he was single - see, sometimes I learn!). He'd always say that we should be together and see what happens, but this was always right after he broke up with one of his girlfriends. There would seriously be a good year that would go by and I wouldn't hear from him and then he'd just reappear when he was single. He never made one ounce of effort to make me feel special, just expected that taking me out for a drink was enough. F. That. He made it seem like I was just the convenient choice whenever he was single and I wasn't having any of that
Two years ago, after not hearing from him for a good year, he tried convincing me to be with him AGAIN and I was fed up. (Oh, I should also say that this was mainly a text messaging relationship because clearly, men don't have the balls to pick up a phone and dial these days, so there was another strike in my book - do I ask too much of men??) I told him that it was never going to happen, I would never trust him, he had enough chances and enough was enough. Haven't heard from him since, until yesterday. The TEXTS went like this:
SP: Any chance I can drag you out for a drink? Wouldn't mind catching up...
Awesome Chick: Didn't we already go through this game 2 years ago?
SP: We may have. I'm not trying to take you home or anything jerk, just a drink or two...I'm not really the jackass I was a few years ago.
Awesome Chick: Dude, I didn't say you were, but we've already done this before.
SP: Totally get it. I don't mind putting myself out there. It's up to you, but just saw you and I wanted a chance so that we could see what happens.
**Side note: you're not putting yourself out there you dipshit...you're taking the easy way out and texting me!!**
Awesome Chick: Sorry, but I don't think it's a good idea to go in circles again.
Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered that someone supposedly wants to take me out. I'm just not quite buying it. Do you blame me?! Please contact me every other year by texting me and asking to get me drunk. That's a stellar way to win me over...NOT!!! (I still love to say NOT!)
Ok, first of all, Laine B, let me reiterate to you that cheating is STILL cheating, even if you don't know the girlfriend. Where's your sense of sisterhood, your whore?!? ;)
ReplyDeleteSecond, good for you for standing up to this lazy, small-packaged piece of work. Not only is he a cheating, good for nothing douche lord who is too lazy to pick up the phone and feed you his BS with a real conversation, but he keeps using the same line over and over again! He really sounds like a winner..
And third, this reminds me of one of my "things" from college. I had recently broken up with my long time bf and was rebounding....HARD. So of course, I say yes to the super buff frat king that asks me out 3 weeks after my re-entry into singledom. The guy couldn't have been nicer...I mean really, the definition of a model American. Except that is, for the fact that he would constantly poke fun at my small chest, even when I specifically asked him to knock it off. Despite this small hiccup, things were going well and he was always a perfect gentleman, so cut to a few dates later when things start to heat up. My hand moves down his chest, lingers on his perfect 8 pack, and slowly heads south...only to find THE SMALLEST package I have ever come in contact with. We're talking small, folks. 10 year-old boy who's the runt of his class small. It took everything in me to not make a wee little joke about his wee little manhood. I mean, the NERVE of this man to make fun of my small chest, when his package was sooo much smaller! Luckily for me, he got a nose bleed while "pleasuring me", so we had to cut the session short. I promptly skipped across the hall to dish to a friend, and we had one of the best laughs of our lives. Things fizzled after that and thankfully, I never had to make personal contact with his short stack again. No matter how cute he was or how many times he may blow your mind with his texting abilities, you are right Laine...it's just not worth it!
Robustly yours,
Red