Bridesmaid Dresses Suck

What the shit is up with their sizing methods???

Today I had to go pick up my 9th bridesmaid dress in Jersey (strike 1). Yes, everyone, it was an epic moment. The bride, "Princess Vespa," picked me up and we went to go see this sucker...finally! (Side note: Princess Vespa has had the longest engagement ever...2 years to be exact. When we went to order the first bridesmaid dresses we thought we were getting, the sales lady told us that we weren't even allowed to order them that far in advance since it was a year and half away. Duh! I believe I told PV several times that we were going too early and she insisted that we still go. She also wanted us to buy the shoes before we even knew what dress we were getting. A little psycho...hence the nickname "Princess Vespa")

Now, the first dress we were going to get (74 years ago) was very nice, but a little too expensive. After years of collecting bridesmaid dresses that are literally sitting in my closet collecting dust, I decided a long time ago that I was done dropping $300 on a dress that I'm wearing for one day. So, I told Vespa that I just couldn't swing that kind of dough, nor did I want to, and I sent her a few links to dresses that I thought were just as nice. She loooved this one that I picked out (which worked out well since it was my fav too heh heh) and naturally, it was even MORE expensive (my taste is the shit, what can I say?!), but luckily she got us all the hook-up and got it at a sweet discount.

The measurements. Soooo, I know that bridesmaid dresses all have sizing methods that run really small, but this was just crazy off. I'm also aware that my hips and ass are friggin' huge and I've learned to accept this, but I still can't get my head around the logic this time. I called in my measurements and they told me that I needed a PLUS SIZE. W. T. F. This is how the conversation went:

Me: Hi, I'm calling in my measurements for Vespa's wedding, they are this, this and this (oh right, like I'd tell you what they are ya dips).

Sales Girl I'd Like to Punch: Hmmm, okay....looking at the charts, you are X size on top (which was normal) and XX size on your hips, which puts you between a 16 and 18 and if you go with the 18, you'll have pay an extra $30 since it's plus size.

Me: (silence)......(more silence)......(getting teary eyed).....Uhhhhhh, how the HELL did you figure this if my size on top is normal and the hips are like 40 sizes bigger? And before you answer, I will NOT be going with the 18.

Sales Girl I'd Like to Punch Harder: Well, this designer has really strange sizing...bla bla bla (I totally stopped listening)

Me: Okay, whatever, this is stupid because I know I'm going to be swimming in this when I get it. Put me down for the 16 if you must, but I'm not happy about it.

Now, like I said, I'm very aware of my ghettoness on the bottom half, but I'm no 16...bridesmaid size or not. Not only did I feel like I got kicked in the stomach after this conversation, I then started to think about the alterations and how they are basically going to cost me what another dress costs since they will have to cut out half the thing.

Sure enough, I go there today and the thing is falling off me AND I have loads of room in the hip region. Screw you, Jim Hjelm. Screw you. Thanks for making me order a dress that's way too big for me and paying another arm and leg for alterations. As if these weddings don't cost me enough. (Side note: I totally forgot my b'maid shoes for the alterations today...I was so mad at myself! After all my bridesmaid training, how do I forget something so important?! I think my mind is officially checked out. I'm a dumbass.)

I hate you for life, Jim. Pray that you never meet me.