Last year, over Halloween weekend (crap, I gotta start thinking of my costume for this year!), Ron & Veronica came to visit and we went to meet up with some of my old co-workers for happy hour since they were all dressed up. I think the entire company was out including Polly, who by the way, did not impress my friends at all that night. Ha! Shocking. After his sorry ass left, another co-worker started chatting with me and I was kinda into him. I'm not really sure why because he was not my type at all and he wore plaid shirts a lot, which is why he is now named "The Lumberjack." It could also be because he came up to me and said "Bob just told me that you were involved with Polly for a little bit and that he treated you like shit, is that still going on?" I honestly don't know where he would have heard this because Polly & I kept things on the DL, but it made me chuckle that those were the rumors going around HAAA! I chose not to answer the question and blew it off. Anyways, he was always very nice and super fun at the moment so I think the personality had me interested.
After HH Ron, Veronica and I decided that we needed some grub and Veronica took it upon herself to invite Lumberjack along with us, which I wasn't a fan of right off the bat, but I went with it. He seemed to be on the same wavelength with me that night because I kept throwin' out movie quotes (again, shocking, I know) and he was keeping up, which always scores major points with me. At the end of the night he asked if he could take me to dinner some night...sure!
A few days later, he calls and asks what I'm up to for the weekend. He says "So, I know you're into movies and such, but I was wondering how you feel about art and culture..." I'm thinking that I don't give a rats ass about art and any idea for a date that begins with that question can not be good. So I ask what he has in mind and he tells me that he wants to take me to this movie screening in Brooklyn (strike 1 already) that his friend is putting on. Keeping an open mind, I agree to go because a) what the hell else do I have going on and b) he'd keep my mind occupied from other idiots. Although, I was wondering what happened to the dinner idea.
Lumberjack calls me and says to meet him at this bar in the city that he's at with his brother, so I go there and he's there in his plaid with his brother and his entire family. Weird. We stay for a few and start driving into Brooklyn. We get to the bar and he starts talking to me about where our ancestors came from, then about the universe, and then he asked me what my symbol was for my birth year on the Chinese calendar. Yes, this was the conversation he chose to have with me. I'm sorry, but I did not see ANY of this crap from him on Halloween, the conversation was much lighter and more fun. What happened to movie quotes and sarcasm?? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for some serious conversation on a date, but this?!?!?!? Then he tells me that we are about to see a silent movie. Did he know me at all? So I did what any girl would have done, tossed back more wine.
Movie starts. We're all standing in this warehouse type place and the movie is all scenes and images from NYC. Everyone is literally standing there in silence and staring at this film like it's the most amazing thing they have ever seen since vodka was invented. What am I doing? Laughing my ass off because it's the most AWKWARD thing I've ever seen. It was the type of awkward like when you're in the elevator with a bunch of people and nobody is talking so you just start laughing. That was me. I just don't get shit like that at all and I certainly am not into discussing "the year of the dog" or whatever.
Hell finally froze over and the movie ended and I had a pretty good buzz going, thank goodness. Since I was kind of stuck in Brooklyn, I figured I'd give Lumberjack the benefit of the doubt and continue onto another bar, but not before we stopped on some street corner to meet up with some of his friends who were just jumping around taking pictures of themselves. Okay, I'll admit it, that was a lot of fun for me to watch since I just came from history class. Then he wants to go back to his place to hang out. Sure, why not? I'm buzzed and bitter from Polly still, so this sounds like the perfect idea.
We get to his apartment. Oh. My. GOD. This place is AWFUL!! I'm not exaggerating when I say that it is 10x10. He had nothing but a bed, a futon and a little TV shoved in a corner. There was no kitchen - apparently he shares it with his neighbors downstairs. He had a mini fridge and that was it. I may as well have been in college again. Now, here's the best part (if you are eating, stop). I use the bathroom...I barely fit in there. I lift the seat up and there is a giant pile of shit just sitting in there. It must have been there all day, I was so disgusted. So, I didn't want to embarrass him so I tried to flush it and nothing happened. Awful, awful, awful. I walk out and don't say anything about it, I just grab a beer, sit on the futon and start thinking about how I'm going to get home. Lumberjack goes over and shuts the bathroom door, most likely because it smelled. There was NO way I was going to take the blame for this, so I called him out:
ME: Do you think I just took a shit in there?!
LUMBER: Kinda smells like ya did...
ME: Um, actually I lifted the toilet seat and there was a huge pile of crap in there. So, no, I didn't.
LUMBER:
ME: Um, yeah...I'm aware.
A little while after that he starts trying to mess around with me and I kinda just freaked out and told him that it's not happening and that I have to leave. He tries every line in the book to get me to stay and I was just not feelin' it. Can't imagine why! After he sees that his persuasions failed, I was like, dude, I'm sorry but I just have to go. He says: "What are you apologizing for? Laine, it's fine...I know you have issues, it's fine." Jigga WHAT?! Don't tell me I have issues...you wear plaid shirts, live in a dorm room and don't flush your toilet! What is it with guys telling me I have issues when they don't get what they want?! Only I'm allowed to say that I have issues. What a dipshit. I got in a cab and peaced.
Lumberjack called a few days later wanting to take me out again, which didn't happen and then told me that he was leaving for like 4 months or something to travel. Enjoy dude! Enjoy.
Seriously, how do I get myself into these situations?!?
Shit potpourri is a trendy, new fragrance for Hipsters throughout Brooklyn
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