Can't Make This Up..

Last October, I received a message on facebook from a very distant cousin. Let me repeat...VERY distant cousin. Seeing as I have about 900 cousins, I can't take the time to do the math here, but I want to say she's like my 49th cousin. Who knows, we're Italian, there's a lot of us. I think I've met this girl once and she is 10 years younger than me. Before we get into this, let me just explain what type of person we're dealing with.

Every family has that one family that is a little "off." This girl, "Trailer," got pregnant at 16 (what up Teen Mom!) and then decided to get married as well. I believe she also has a twin sister who, rumor has it, got jealous of Trailer for having kids, so she got pregnant too. Yes, at 16, two years ago, these whacked out girls were excited to have kids. Not really sure where things went wrong in that family. Maybe they made their sauce a little different, I don't know.

Anyshit, here is the message that I received. Obviously, I won't use their real names (and no, I did not change any grammar mistakes...it was just too perfect):

Bobby & Shirley GrandDaughter Trailor One of the Twins and own Twins in the family

my husband as a older brother that is your age and good looking and i think he would look good for you in your life and he work alot and want ot have a family and i would like to know if you would like to meet him at all his name is ghetto thug"

I had to read that first line a good 50 times alone to understand who it was that was writing to me. Not kidding. As soon as I got Ghetto Thug's name, I immediately searched on FB for obvious reasons. Just to give you an idea of what I was expecting, this is Trailer's husband:


After laughing my ass off for about 10 minutes, I gave this stellar opportunity some serious thought, and I decided that I probably can't handle someone with such class. So, I was nice and responded with:

"Hi Trailer!

That's so nice of you to think of me haha! (lie) I appreciate the gesture, but I'm not really interested in dating anyone right now (lie). Plus, I've had really bad luck with blind dates over the years ha! (true)

Hope all is well with you and your family!" (lie)

Probably 3 hours after using a dictionary to figure out what I was saying, she responded with: "ok good luck in years to come."

Fast forward to last night. My normal cousins and I all got together for dinner and I find out more about this odd matchmaking story. Apparently, Trailer never checks her FB...her husband does instead! So, her husband signed onto her fb, searched me out of her friends and wrote to me. CREEPSTER!!!! On top of that, this dude they wanted to set me up with is now IN JAIL. What is he in jail for? Child pornography!!!!!!!

Gee, thanks Trailer. Thanks so much for thinking of me. One question: What about my facebook profile would suggest that I would be into someone like that? If there is something on there that gives away the idea that I love disgusting perverted thugs, please tell me so that I can make the appropriate changes.

Oh, and I did some searching on FB after last night's information came up. Here are my man's stats:

Age: 30 (Sooo he's not really my age ya dipshit)
Info Box: "i am a 30yr old male taking by a woman. i am looking for friends if u like to ok thanks.
Relationship Status: In a relationship (would love to see this girl, and her age)
Bio: i work full time at domino's pizza and i do not smoke or i do not drink only but soda.
Favorite Quotations: do have one
Books: I Do Not Read That Much (no shit)

Clearly, this is the impression I give off to the public...that I'm looking for THIS. Someone tell me what I need to do to change this. WTF!?