Recall!

Okay, before I get into my usual rant about pointless dates and wedding talk, I promised Figure Skater that I would write a post just for her.

About a month ago or so, I met up with one of my loyal readers, Figure Skater, and her husband. They were in NYC for a wedding, of course. While we were chatting away she told me that one of my blog posts slightly offended her. This obviously didn't shock me, as I'm sure I've offended everyone who has read this at least 73 times.

The one that got her was when I wrote about how relationships = boring. You can go back and read it here, but I'll sum it up. Basically, I wrote about how I noticed that some couples, married or not, can be kind of blah. They are always talking about how "old and boring" they are because they have been together for so long, and that's not really something that sounds appealing to me. So, I was rethinking this whole relationship and marriage bidness.

It's not that I think all couples are boring. I mean, yes, there are plenty of dud relationships out there, but I do have fun with several couples. Figure Skater and her husband are definitely still one of those fun couples. We totes hung out for most of the day and ended it on the rooftop where we boozed it up. Jasmine and Aladdin are definitely a blast to hang out with, along with the rest of my close friends. I've managed to weed out the duds over time. Sounds awful, but it's true.

So, there it is. I will recall most of my blog post about boring people in relationships just for you, Figure Skater.

Now, it's back to bashing...muahahaha!

Relationship = Boring?

Ya know, I've been noticing more and more over the past couple of months that relationships/marriages just may not be all they're cracked up to be. Here's what I've cooked up...

Almost every time I have a conversation with someone who is in a relationship of some sort, I hear the same thing over and over again: "I'm old and boring now, I don't do anything." Or in most cases, replace "I'm" with "we." I mean, really? Is this what goes on in real relationships now? Because that kinda sucks if you ask me. Maybe they are just telling me this to make me feel better about being single? I don't know, but if anything, it makes me feel better about my situation.

These people are my age or around the same age as me and last I checked, I'm still young and most definitely not boring. Maybe a little bitchy sometimes, but NOT boring. People wonder why I'm so selective...ummm, this would be why kids. I need someone who is going to be able to keep up with me. I didn't exactly grow up in a family who just sits home all the time. My grandparents are turning 80 this year and are out dancing later than I am half the time! I say these people in their late 20's-early 30's who think they are "old" need to rip a page out of their book. Jeesh!

I'm thinking that my bitterness about being single could all be for nothing. At least that is what my latest mood swing is telling me...

You can all breathe, I'm here!

Welp, it's been a long time since I've written. I kinda went into hibernation for awhile...I'm still kinda in it too, but some people have been asking where my blogs have gone too, so here we go.

Since my last post, a new year has started, my main squeeze, Steven Tyler, is on f'n American Idol (he sounded like he had his priorities straight on Howard Stern, so I'll support it for now), and I am still single. You're all shocked, I know. I've had a date or two here and there, but ya know what? I'm totally drained from last year's bullshit. Especially, the bullshit that what's-his-name put me through a couple month's ago (see "Shit or Get Off The Pot").

I cut all ties with him completely. Facebook-deleted. Phone number-deleted. I fell for his crap again and got hurt by him AGAIN and I needed to detox. It's still sad to me because we were really good friends for years. He took a giant dump all over that, knew it, and didn't even try to fix it when I gave him a billion chances to do so. Sweet, thanks for caring buddy boy! Peace out.

ANYCRAP...enough about that. I can't decide how I should attack 2011's dating scene. Any thoughts? I'm kind of over making all the effort (even though most don't think I make any at all - idiots). I'm sick of hearing that I should put myself out there, that my standards are too high, that I don't try, that I should try online dating (ummm btw - totes watched "The Craigslist Killer" on Lifetime, and I know online dating isn't the same thing as that mess...but I am ALL f'n set, thanks), etc etc. I think I'm just going to do nothing. Of course, then this blog wouldn't exist, so I'll have to do something I guess?! Last time I did something, it didn't turn out so hot...

BTW, I'm fully aware that Monday is Devil Day a.k.a. Valentine's Day. My 2 thoughts on this are as follows:

- Please don't ask me what my plans are. I have a date with Grey Goose and Dexter (the TV show, don't get excited).

- I can't WAIT for all the non-single ladies to post pictures of the flowers from their valentine's on facebook with the caption: "I have the best bf/husband in the world!" for allllll to see. NOT! While that's nice of your valentine (I'm actually being serious about that) is it really necessary to post on fb? Wicked annoying. And no, if I had a bf, I would not do that.

Until next time...
Cheers bitches!

2010 Has Come to an END!

You all love when my blog titles rhyme.

So, this year is finally over and we're moving on to 2011 - a.k.a. The Year of Laine. In 2011, I am not in any weddings, will be turning 30 and will be throwing a huge b'day bash for myself in Vegas (you are all invited). I'm considering that to be my wedding. Seriously.

Before I jump ahead, let's just go through some key points of 2010, shall we?

- First and foremost, I made one of my biggest lifetime dreams come true. I met 4 of the 5 members of Aerosmith, hung out with them backstage, got pictures and albums signed, and sat front row resting on the stage as Steven's microphone scarves hung down in my face. Enough said! (You can find details about that day here)

- I collected 2 more bridesmaids dresses for my friends to wear at my wedding - ya know, 27 Dresses style (i.e. - Vegas).

- The amount of first dates that I had this year is a little ridiculous. The amount of second dates I've had this year is even more ridiculous! Some were fun, but most were just somewhat shocking to me. Please refer to prior postings for more details - more specifically, "The Lumberjack" and/or "Captain Pansy" haaa

- Stemming from the last point...I was told about 400 times that "weddings are a great place to meet people" and that "you should try online dating." Get outta town!!? Really?!

- Got rid of Polly for good - he was way too toxic for me and my life is much better without him. Sigh of relief!

- I became a Godmother to my best friend's kiddie!

- Discovered the awesomeness of Iceland. Still want to move to Europe...

- Witnessed 4 more of my friends get married this year. One of those weddings was an American/Indian wedding which was flippin' fantastic! Two of them I was in the wedding party. Ms. Corningstone's was very care-free and we got to go on a cruise for her b-party! WOOT!

Most of Vespa's bridal party was a pain in the ass to be perfectly honest. I have not written about that yet, but WOW were a couple of her b'maids friggin' treats. In a nutshell, they barely lifted a finger to help me plan anything, were planning to bail on half the bachelorette party, and then had the nerve to tear me to shreds after I informed the bride (since that's the point of being a MOH) what the deal was. Long emails short - they told me that I was the worst MOH, that I caused all of the bride's stress, and accused me of basically being an alcoholic. Funny.

Their argument was that I had an issue with possibly spending $250 on a flippin' bridal shower venue (not including decorations or gifts) 3 months prior, and was now asking them to spend $150-$200 on a bachelorette party that included 2 meals, favors, a 6hr wine tour, transportation to and from, FREE hotel room and dinner (clearly my alcoholism planned this and had nothing to do with what the bride wanted). They decided to tell me last minute that they had an issue with that and were going to peace out for half of it. I could understand, if we had to drop the $250+ on a bridal shower, I obviously would've balanced it out. Want to know what the shower ended up costing? Like $75 each. Huge break. So, I planned TWO b-parties for Vespa- one with her sister and I and another with her co-workers. Both awesome nights and those b'maids were not involved in either. Cheers.

- I have decided to retire from bridal parties. (See above)

- Started writing this blog. Definitely have taken some heat for some of it, and maybe some was deserved but ya know what? I'm fine with that. I think it's interesting that certain people (both friends and dudes) think they can walk all over me and then get mad when I suddenly decide not to take it anymore. I'm having all sorts of fun with this and most of you seem to be entertained!

See ya 2010!!

Shit or Get Off The Pot

I was talking to my cousin earlier, who is also a single lady in the big city, like myself, and we were talking about our singlehood. The only difference between us is that she was always a relationship (like for real relationships...crazy, I know) kinda girl and never really "dated" while I have done nothing but date and have "semi-relationships." She's been single for awhile now and we were discussing how annoying dating is and how long it takes for something to warm up. I have to say...she could not have summed it up any better with these lines:

"I think sometimes us Italian family women have it hard because we don't really take shit and I think most girls do until a month in. A week in we're like..."listen..." and I think maybe it's intimidating.
I mean...alllllll guys ever say is that they want girls to tell them what they think and be straight forward instead of passive, but REALLY they want us to be passive and they want to complain about us."

Cuz...A-friggin-men to that! I recently experienced this trash again with a moron. This is a huuuuge story that deserves it's own book, but here it is in a nutshell...

LOVED the guy for years back in the day...we had our on moments where I thought things might finally happen and then either a bunch of stupid drama would go down or he'd just fall off earth for a couple months. We've stayed friends throughout the years and a couple months ago he started being all up in my shiz...asking when I'd be in town again, who I was dating, if I was hooking up, if he had another shot with me etc etc. This would happen almost every weekend so finally, I called him out. He told me he's been thinking about us dating a lot lately and that we make sense together, that he compares every girl he dates to me, etc etc. Basically, all the things I ever wanted to hear from him and all the things I SAID to him years ago that he disagreed with. Funny how that happens, huh?

I basically said that I'd consider it but that he had to majorly step it up considering all the crap he put me through and that he had to pretty much get me to like him again. A week goes by and I don't hear jack from him. I send him an email telling him every little thing that I expect from him and that sitting on his ass was not going to cut it. I already dealt with his crap once, so if he wanted me to consider him again, he had WORK to do.

The weekend passes by and I hear from him on Monday telling me that he doesn't think he can give me what I deserve right now. Uhhhh baking powder??? What the hell did he think that I was going to do when he brought all of this up in the first place? Drop everything in my life to run home thanking him?? Make all the effort myself while he sits on the couch? Wait around for a few more years until he grows the balls to make an effort? Sorry dude, I grew up.

Perfect example of these guys pissing and moaning that girls are soooo confusing. Meanwhile, I spell out in little kid wording what I want, and they go running. I think guys are much more confusing than I am. Not saying that I don't have my moments, but I know exactly what I want GD-it!

Cheers bitches.

Millions Shmillions

Why do people with loads of cash always think that they can treat people however they want and they will automatically worship them? I can see how that would be blinding to some people but not this girl, folks. NOT THIS GIRL! Let me explain this one evening I had.

A couple weeks ago at work, some of the big dogs there said that they were going to take me out for drinks with them. I had heard their happy hour/dinner stories before and they always intrigued me since most of the time they were out with random celebs and the most ridiculous things would go down. Needless to say, I was interested to see where this night was going to take me.

I'm walking out with 2 of the guys and I ask how we're getting to the restaurant and all they say to me is "Just get in the grey Mercedes." Okay, I can do that, no problem. We get to the restaurant (which was like 4 blocks away, FYI - total walking distance, but I forgot that rich people don't walk or drive themselves anywhere), and it's just me and a bunch of 40-50yr old dudes. Yea, I know what you're all thinking...and no, they weren't creepy, they were very nice. Then I realize who I'm with:

- Big Dog #1 - Invested 30k in his cousin's company way back in the day and is now worth 125 million. His cousin is Bill Gates.

- Big Dog #2 - Worked his butt off all his life and is worth 75 million. Owns a casino and a couple of houses...one in the Hampton's that is fully staffed. He was also the one with the personal driver.

- Former NHL Hockey player and his wife. Was worth 300 mil, now owes 200 mil. His wife frequently fools around with other ladies and went on to make out and attempt a 3-way with her husband and another lawyer. That didn't happen only because they are the doing business together and it would be inappropriate.

- Hockey players friends: 3 douchers. One with a bad suit that was too big on him, another who had man boobs and just an all around bad outfit with super gel stiff hair (think Jersey trash but not in shape - he totally needed the manziere) and another who just kinda sat there. All 3 douchers were in their 20's and apparently all make millions.

The big dogs thought Man-boobs and I would be great together because he was 27 and rich. I usually don't like younger men, but I had a few glasses of wine so it sounded fine to me. We sit down to dinner and this dude is a piece of WORK!

He started asking me the standard questions like "what do you do in the city" and I started telling him and he just looked at me and was like "You know, I'm only asking you because he said I had to be nice." I, being a little thrown off, say "Oh...so you don't really care what I do in the city then?" He says "I just think our conversation could be a little more exciting." Umm, what? You're the one asking the questions bucko. Hockey guy hears this and is yelling at him to be nice to me. I tell him that I'd rather him be himself instead of this fake "nice" guy.

Boy, was that a mistake. After awhile he was starting to get all flirty and then asked what I was doing over the weekend. Apparently, I was talking too much and my answer was not "exciting" enough for him because he totally cut me off and goes "What are ya, writing a book??" After that, I totally turned my back to him and started talking to the other guys. He tried talking to me the entire night after that and all he could do was tell me about his money and how his grandfather was the pioneer of late night television. That's great, Man-boobs, but did you forget how your personality totally sucked and how you dress like a 2yr old? Cause I didn't. What exactly is he doing with his millions anyway? I know he's not hiring a trainer or a stylist...

My question was answered within minutes of him realizing that he wasn't getting laid. Once he got the point, within minutes, the owner brings over 2 prostitutes for these young boys. They left after about an hour and went to the gentleman's club. After awhile the rest of the men left to go to the same club. I was invited but turned it down like a lady, dammit(but that's only because I was just at the same strip joint a few days earlier...whole other story)!

My point is...I don't get why these rich guys think they can talk to someone like that and think they will be fine with it. Once the prostitutes came in, I obviously understood why. Maybe I looked like a hooker that night or something, I don't know.

Sugar Daddy

Living in New York City, you see a lot of odd couples together. You know what I'm talkin' about...the couples that you look at and are like 'WTF is he doing with her?' and vice versa. Then you see the cougars with the young men....and then you see the old guys with the twenty-somethings.

Welp, I recently had the opportunity to get myself a sugar daddy of my very own.

One of my jobs right now is being a temp at a law firm. This particular law firm deals with a lot of high rollers and celebrities in the entertainment industry among several others. There is one client that comes in pretty often - always nice and friendly. A couple weeks ago he was walking out and the conversation went like this:

SD: Well, Laine, it was nice to see you as always.
Me: You too.
SD: And I think I'd like to take you out for a drink...
Me (thinking he was joking): Hahahaha no, that's ok.
SD: No?! Really?
Me (realizing he was serious): No, I don't think so.
SD (looking at me like I was insane for saying no): Really?!! Okay, what about lunch? Let me take you to lunch.
Me (wanting to jump through the window): No, I really don't think so. I'm sorry.
SD: It's okay, I understand.

Now, I will say that this man was never creepy or sketch about this or to me. He really did seem like a normal guy that clearly finds nothing wrong with dating a girl in her 20's.

Here are the stats on this dude:
- Coming up on 70yrs old.
- Former executive director of the NBA
- Has connections everywhere
- According to one of the other lawyers here - has no trouble getting the twenty-something girls
- MARRIED!!

Yep, after I was telling one of the lawyers about my admirer he said: "He is actually great with all the young girls he finds, he's a great conversationalist, has connections up the wazoo....I'd say the only problem with dating SD is that he is married."

I know that there are a good amount of girls my age out there that would probably be totally for this. I just don't get it - I know the economy sucks and all and I could certainly use the extra money, but I'm just not ready to deal with Cialis or Viagara yet. Call me crazy but all the money in the world couldn't change that for me.

Unbelievable. Gotta love NYC dating life!