Blogging About Blogging

Well, folks, in the short time that this blog has been going on, it seems that one of my postings has already pissed off a reader. I wrote about my experience in her wedding and some of the bs that went on with her mother and sister. Honestly, I knew that when I wrote it that I would probably be ruffling some feathers, but at the same, what I wrote about happened 4 years ago and I thought it was laughable at this point. I was certainly laughing, I'm sure some of you were too. She was not.

Now, I don't mean to sound like a cold-hearted person or insensitive here because I fully understand that it's unacceptable to talk about someones family in a bad way. However, where exactly do you draw the line on that rule? Come on, you all know there's a line. If you are in a wedding and something like that happens to you, I'm thinking that's crossing it. Please tell me if you all feel differently.

Furthermore, this is my blog about my past and present stories about being a bridesmaid and going on ridiculous dates. Hence, the title...der. My intentions for this little project is definitely not to hurt or offend anyone, especially my friends. If something insane happens to me, whether or not it's a date or a being in a wedding, guess what, it's definitely going in here (something to keep in mind, fyi muahahaha). That is kind of the point in doing this, right? Or did I miss something...

The biggest reason I find this one person to be acting totally ridiculous is because she's known me for almost 10 years. HELLO?! I'm probably one of the most blunt, honest, no-bullshit, sarcastic people in the entire world, what do you expect from me?? Jeesh! I'm not saying it's always good, but things like this happen. Most of my friends realize this about me, but just in case, please don't take this stuff too seriously, kids. If you are reading these entries and are getting miffed, then you should just stop reading because I'm going to keep writing. It's all in good fun for cryin' out loud!!

P.S - If for some reason you don't want to end up in here, maybe think about not treating me like trash. Karma's a bitch.

Freelance Bridesmaid

For awhile, I had my job and employer on facebook listed as "Professional Bridesmaid" employed by "Friends of Laine." I certainly got a big kick out of myself for having that up there, but it was also kind of true. Of course the salary field could probably be more like "air miles accumulated," but for the most part, it's the truth.

Now, I'm very happy to be working for my employers over the years and if they ask me for advice, I will certainly help. It's no secret that I've learned a great deal about the wedding biz, the bridesmaid biz(a.k.a money hustling from other women), the bridesmaidzilla/bridezilla biz(a.k.a put these hookers in their place). However, I have finally decided to draw the line at helping brides who have their own bridal party to consult. So, to all of you, please read the below letter that I have quickly drawn up:

Dear Brides Who Didn't Ask Me To Be In Their Wedding~

First of all, thank you. Second, you have all selected your bridal party for a reason. They are probably your family or close friends. I'm assuming it's safe to say that they know you well enough to help you out with your wedding ideas. So, why are you asking me what my opinion is?! When I ask how your wedding planning is going, I really want to know, but that doesn't mean I'm volunteering to be your freelance bridesmaid! I know I am the best that's out there and someone with exquisite taste, but I can't spread myself to thin (enough of the dirty jokes).

I'm sorry if you picked b-maids with bad taste or no interest, but I am exhausted and getting ready to retire. I have no more good ideas left. The few good ones I do have left are reserved for my closest friends(although I'm not sure there are many left that missed the same boat I did). I'm not trying to sound rude, but I kind of am, so yeah...sorry about that. HA!

Cheers,

Laine B :)

Hurricane Cruella

As I've said before, I have been in a crazy amount of weddings, especially between the ages of 22-28. Most of the bridal parties have been fine to plan with, but there are some absolute crazies along with some straight up dumbasses that I've had to deal with. I've even been cursed out by a mother of the bride! That was fun to put down in the books, let me tell ya. Actually, I was going go into another event that happened recently, but now that I just relived that moment for a hot second and got a mini-panic attack again, I think I'll share the misery of that wedding.

This mess took place back in 2007. There were 3 of us from college that were really close; however, the bride only chose me as a b'maid (cause I'm the shit). This is her decision and that's fine, but she didn't bother to tell our other friend this, so of course it was left on MY shoulders when I had to tell her that I was asked to be in the wedding and she wasn't. That was strike 1, but we got through it.

The second strike came along, and I knew it was going to be a rough road, when the bride was blackmailed into having her BEAST of a sister as her maid of honor, rather than her best friend (who rocks). Just to give you an idea of how Cruella (the beast sister) operated, she told her own sister that she refused to be a bridesmaid or show up at the wedding if she was not the crowned the maid of honor. This girl was dead serious. This is also the same sister that told the bride that her engagement ring was "so not her." These two were not close AT ALL. She was known to be a beast at all times, so we were all scared to death when we found this out. At the time, Cruella lived in the city (lucky me) so she wanted to get together to go over a few things. I met up with her and her dud of a boyfriend, now fiance(naturally), and she basically had a pile of notes with her and made me a copy of it. How sweet. She also told me, during this lovely hour of my life that I will never get back, that she wanted me to let her know if she came across as rude or too demanding in her emails to the wedding party. I felt this was a good sign because she knew how I worked and that I'd flat out tell her what was up, so she must have been fine with that. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that there were several emails that went out to the entire bridal party (because obviously there had to be a damn co-ed shower on top of the regular bridal shower) that were beyond demanding. After one of these emails went too far, I shot her an email. It wasn't harsh in the least...I basically told her that she may want to rephrase her emails so that it looks like she's actually asking for our opinion on things, rather than just telling us what to do and how much we owe so that everyone doesn't freak out. One of the groomsman emailed her as well and said something similar.

The following result of these two emails that went to Cruella is what pushed me over the edge and finally made me not give a rat's patooty about anyone else's bullshit for the rest of my bridesmaid career (and there's a LOT of bullshit that I can tell you about). About 10 minutes after I send my constructive criticism to Cruella, I get an email from her mother. I hadn't even heard a word back from Cruella because apparently, she lied to me before and really didn't want me to keep her in line. Her mother's email said nothing but "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! YOU BETTER CALL ME RIGHT NOW!!! I'VE HAD IT!!" Ummm, side note - what mother talks to their daughter's friends like that? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?...Bueller? Just wondered. So I call her mother, ya know, in the middle of my work day, and in her nicest tone possible, without taking a breath says "WHAT THE HELL IS THE PROBLEM WITH YOU TWO?! I've read every email that Cruella has sent out and I think they are just fine. She's going through all this trouble to make sure everyone is happy and you guys are just fucking yelling at her. I'm really fucking pissed off. Cruella is being soo nice." Very classy, right? After I changed my undies, I explained to this woman that Cruella told me to keep her in check, I was just doing what she asked and if Cruella had an issue, then she could tell me. Then she spewed out something else and hung up the phone and within the next hour wrote an email to the other groomsman...apparently it was the meanest email ever written in history. Sooo wish I got to read that one, but oh well. Seriously though, WHAT MOTHER TALKS TO THEIR CHILD'S FRIENDS LIKE THAT?! To this day it shocks me. That's like 93 strikes or something. Needless to say, it was really fun to see her at the Jack n' Jill shower (people, please stop this stupid ass trend. it's just dumb, nobody thinks it's cute.) where she put on a lovely show because the bride knew none of this was going on.

The rest of the planning went pretty much the same, but I stopped giving Cruella any advice or opinions. Even when she handed all of us a binder that she had put together with a tasks page, ideas page, etc, I didn't say a word and played the perfect bridesmaid roll that I was born to play. Also, as this planning went on and I shared these horror stories with my other friend who got pushed to the side, somehow those two became friends again and she was at the wedding. Maybe it's because she witnessed all of my stress and panic attacks and was thankful as all hell to the bride for not making her suffer through this hell. Oh oh, wait...and to top everything off, I got stuck having an old hag do my hair for the actual wedding day and she made me look like Marge Simpson. Seriously, even my mom told me that I looked like Marge. You be the judge...here's a couple of pictures (obviously drink. in. hand.):

P.S. - If you can find a way to say "no" to being a bridal party that you know might be hell, do it!! ...and let me know what you come up with while you're at it.

So It Begins..

Welp, here it is. Of all things that I've done in my life, I never once considered blogging. I'm not much of a writer (esp since I write how I talk, which can go either way at times), and I really don't like to have my life hanging out there for everyone to see. However, since I've lived in Manhattan for the past 5+ years, several of my friends have told me that I need to either write a book or a blog. So, I choose blog (let's be honest, writing a book is way too much work and I might have to use correct grammar).

I keep a close circle of friends (let's hope that they stay that way after I get into writing this thing) and they have all had to sit through me telling them all about my odd and awful dates, my semi-relationships (god forbid, they are legit boyfriends) with men, as well as my gagillion bridesmaid experiences. Most of the time, they find these stories comical because that's how ridiculous they actually are. Other times, they probably want to smack me in the face and tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on. Okay, that's probably all the time, actually. You know what though? While I will admit that they may be right in some situations, most of them are already married, well on their way to be married, or have zero issues finding semi-normal men to have long-term relationships with. I, on the other hand, have serious problems in this department. I'm 28 years old and my longest real boyfriend was for 5 months, and that was when I was 18 years old (omg, I just felt like I was Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed). Needless to say, I am beyond frustrated at this point and I think I have every right to be. So all of you out there with your sweet boyfriends/husbands/fiance's and claim you want to live through me? Yea, you can all eat it.

Okay, sorry. Sometimes, I go on rants and don't know when to stop. I'm genuinely happy for all of my friends, I swear. I am honored to have been asked to stand up in all of their weddings (that's about 9, but who's counting..) and have had a blast! I even like most of the grooms! I really wouldn't have had it any other way. I just thought that I would have at least found someone for myself by now, is that so wrong? It gets pretty depressing going on bad date after bad date, being told that "something is missing" with me (stay tuned for that radness), to constantly have to plan someone else's wedding, someone else's bridal shower, someone else's bachelorette party, year after year after year.
Jerks. Love you all though, seriously. Shake n' Bake.

Don't get me wrong, I know that my life is fun and exciting. Living in one of the largest cities in the world in my twenties has overall been amazing so far. It's not like I've been dying to get married since age 20 or anything because there is nooooo way I was even thinking about all of this back then. I actually don't think anyone should get married before 30, considering some of the stories I've heard (again, stay tuned). I'm so glad that I've gotten the opportunity to live my life the way I want it...travel when I want, go out when I want, not have to answer to anyone if I don't want to...okay, why lie, even if I do find someone, I will continue to live my life that way. I think it was around age 26 or 27 when I started to get sick of the totally ridiculous dates and started to wonder what the deal was here.

So maybe if I tell you about this crap and you guys read this crap, we can laugh it off (again for some of you) and actually move on like my friends tell me to do. Maybe some of you out there will even find this entertaining and can relate to it...then we can compare notes! Stay tuned for some fab stories about my past dates and bridesmaid experiences (NINE!!!).

Stay classy.