Welp, I finally attended my 9th wedding - the much anticipated wedding of Princess Vespa and Lonestar. It was gorgeous and so much fun!! After 2 years of planning, it should be, right?! Yes...Vespa has her name for a reason...she's a little nutty.
This was the first time I have been someones maid of honor, which meant that I had to give a toast at the wedding. Besides getting old, this is basically my biggest fear ever in life. I try to avoid public speaking at all times and I don't like when all eyes are on me. I avoided the public speaking class in college for this reason. Yes, I know, not the best move, but I was in college and drunk all the time...I didn't know what was best for me! Needless to say, I was not too excited for this part of the gig.
The wedding day got here, and I was in full panic mode. I'm usually pretty calm and can keep the bride calm and prepared as well, but this time, I had the toast to worry about too and I was FREAKING out all day. Then the added pressure of carrying the wedding band with me was on and I was nervous about that because my damn purse wouldn't shut correctly. Awesome. Don't think I didn't go up to the VP of FCUK at the reception and tell her that there are issues with it and that she needs to fix it immediately. HA! I'm such a jerk.
Anyways, I wrote my speech about a month ago and it literally took me all of 10 minutes. Vespa and I go way back, so it wasn't a struggle to come up with what to say. I was going to take a shot (of alcohol...not a shot in the dark, come on!) and wing it but several people advised against that. Probably good advice for me since I rarely have a filter from my brain to my mouth. So instead, I typed it out and made some edits along the way. I set up my little flip video camera and practiced/timed it about 10 times before and I totally screwed it up and fumbled my words almost every time. The only good thing was that it was short and sweet, which was my goal. Well, maybe not totally "sweet" because I definitely made a point to rip on Vespa about a few key memories. Heh heh.
To ease my nerves, I made sure to bring extra champagne for the limo ride from the church to the reception and tossed back 3 glasses. I basically had to follow Vespa around for pictures while everyone else was inside drinking, so I was starting to get nervous again when it wore off. Vespa asked me to pass along a message to the groomsmen so I did that and thought 'hmm, prime time to get myself some vodka.' so thank youuuu, Vespa! Phew! Right before we were being introduced, I noticed that the groomsmen were all doing a shot. I BOLTED in the middle of them and said "Can I please have one of these?!?!?" Before they even answered I just took it, downed it, and ran off with nobody noticing. It was necessary!
Apparently all of these methods worked for me because I got up there and didn't really need to look at my notes or fumble my words. I think I heard some laughs at my jokes, so that was good. Random people that I barely knew kept coming up to me and telling me how awesome my speech was. One person said "You were really really good. Normally b'maid toasts are pretty weak, but you outdid the best man by far!"
That's right. I rock.
P.S. - I have like 3 more parts to discuss about this wedding, so stay tuned...
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Finally A Good Blind Date - SIKE!
Of the million dates that I've been set up on, I finally hit a good match. I was set up by one of Jasmine's friends, who doesn't really know me, so I thought it was pretty funny that he was almost right on target. He took me to dinner at this super yummy restaurant in the LES and then we just walked a few blocks into a bar for a couple of drinks afterwards - we had a great time and we were both talking about seeing each other again. Orrrr maybe I'm completely clueless when it comes to dating. You be the judge and let me know if I'm totally nuts...
So, this guy, we will call him "The BS-er." He friended me on facebook and we started messaging back and forth for about a week before we met (apparently, this is how people start dating now). He was really personable and, for once, the first questions were not "So, what do you do?" This was rather refreshing since I hate to talk about work. I hate how I have to wear my resume on my sleeve everytime I meet someone new. Enough already. Okay, sorry, back to the date...
He picks this cute restaurant and I meet up with him at 7:30. The conversation is flowing nicely. We seemed to have similar backgrounds, we had a lot in common, there were lots of laughs, etc. etc. He was very well mannered, which I'm a sucker for. Then he told me that his goal is to take one European vacation and one tropical vacation a year and I. Was. SOLD! HA! However, that is neither here nor there. After dinner he picks up the check and of course, I offered to split it (even though he would have been totally dismissed if he let me haaaa) and he said that I could pick up the check next time we go out. Hmm, ok, whatever.
So then we're sitting there and he asked if I wanted to go get a couple drinks and I was totally down. I figured this was a good sign because whenever I'm on a trash date I would never offer to get another drink or agree to go after dinner - I'd peace the hell out! We walked a couple of blocks into a bar (he totally moved me to the inside of the sidewalk when we were walking too...it was almost like he read my book of requirements before we met, seriously) and chilled there until MIDNIGHT. We were chatting away and he didn't let me pay for anything (I swear I tried to for real this time) and kept saying things like "next time we hang out..." and "we'll do this..." Once we realized what time it was we decided to head out and he offered to drive me home. It was kind of out of his way, so I said I could take a cab, but he insisted. Clearly, this was going well (I thought).
Once we pulled up to my apt, there may or may not have been a slight MO session for a bit. Then I went up to my apt like a good girl. A bit later he texts me and says "Hey, I'm home. I had a great time with you tonight." The next morning we were joking around on facebook, so, silly me, I was thinking that these were all good signs.
Ummmm right. I didn't hear from BS-er for the next few days which I thought was a little strange. However, we went out on a Wednesday and I knew the upcoming weekend was his birthday, so I figured he might be busy with family and friends, etc. Then I thought about my bible, "He's Just Not That Into You" and I started getting a little (a LOT) annoyed. I texted him on his birthday to say HBD and he didn't get back to me until the next day and it was just "thanks, just got this - was busy all day." Fuck. That.
Now I was just plain PISSED. I literally went over the date about 40 times in my head - cause that's what girls do - and could not think of one possible thing or sign that would indicate he did not want to see me again (since I'm awesome). So I shot BS-er a facebook message, which I probably shouldn't have done, but whatever, he needed to be called out, and not like I was gonna see him again apparently! I basically asked him what the deal was and he said that he thought of me more on a friends level. REALLY?! Then don't tell me you want to see me again, don't make out with me, don't text me when you get home, and don't be all cute the next day on facebook (again, cause that's how people date now). In other words, if we're on a date and you're "not that into me" - DON'T BULLSHIT ME!!
I was totally baffled by this one. He reminded me of this other crapbag I was involved with back in the day that couldn't handle the idea of someone being mad at him, or telling the truth to someone incase it makes themselves look bad(I'll get to that story someday). Guess what idiots, you look even worse when you bullshit around!!
I had no idea what went on and I basically decided that I have totally had it with dating. I thought I could tell a good date from a bad date, but apparently I am not cut out for this game. I didn't see Jasmine's friend until about a month ago at their wedding and she told me that he said that he made more conversation than I did. Another BS comment from the BS-er....
So, this guy, we will call him "The BS-er." He friended me on facebook and we started messaging back and forth for about a week before we met (apparently, this is how people start dating now). He was really personable and, for once, the first questions were not "So, what do you do?" This was rather refreshing since I hate to talk about work. I hate how I have to wear my resume on my sleeve everytime I meet someone new. Enough already. Okay, sorry, back to the date...
He picks this cute restaurant and I meet up with him at 7:30. The conversation is flowing nicely. We seemed to have similar backgrounds, we had a lot in common, there were lots of laughs, etc. etc. He was very well mannered, which I'm a sucker for. Then he told me that his goal is to take one European vacation and one tropical vacation a year and I. Was. SOLD! HA! However, that is neither here nor there. After dinner he picks up the check and of course, I offered to split it (even though he would have been totally dismissed if he let me haaaa) and he said that I could pick up the check next time we go out. Hmm, ok, whatever.
So then we're sitting there and he asked if I wanted to go get a couple drinks and I was totally down. I figured this was a good sign because whenever I'm on a trash date I would never offer to get another drink or agree to go after dinner - I'd peace the hell out! We walked a couple of blocks into a bar (he totally moved me to the inside of the sidewalk when we were walking too...it was almost like he read my book of requirements before we met, seriously) and chilled there until MIDNIGHT. We were chatting away and he didn't let me pay for anything (I swear I tried to for real this time) and kept saying things like "next time we hang out..." and "we'll do this..." Once we realized what time it was we decided to head out and he offered to drive me home. It was kind of out of his way, so I said I could take a cab, but he insisted. Clearly, this was going well (I thought).
Once we pulled up to my apt, there may or may not have been a slight MO session for a bit. Then I went up to my apt like a good girl. A bit later he texts me and says "Hey, I'm home. I had a great time with you tonight." The next morning we were joking around on facebook, so, silly me, I was thinking that these were all good signs.
Ummmm right. I didn't hear from BS-er for the next few days which I thought was a little strange. However, we went out on a Wednesday and I knew the upcoming weekend was his birthday, so I figured he might be busy with family and friends, etc. Then I thought about my bible, "He's Just Not That Into You" and I started getting a little (a LOT) annoyed. I texted him on his birthday to say HBD and he didn't get back to me until the next day and it was just "thanks, just got this - was busy all day." Fuck. That.
Now I was just plain PISSED. I literally went over the date about 40 times in my head - cause that's what girls do - and could not think of one possible thing or sign that would indicate he did not want to see me again (since I'm awesome). So I shot BS-er a facebook message, which I probably shouldn't have done, but whatever, he needed to be called out, and not like I was gonna see him again apparently! I basically asked him what the deal was and he said that he thought of me more on a friends level. REALLY?! Then don't tell me you want to see me again, don't make out with me, don't text me when you get home, and don't be all cute the next day on facebook (again, cause that's how people date now). In other words, if we're on a date and you're "not that into me" - DON'T BULLSHIT ME!!
I was totally baffled by this one. He reminded me of this other crapbag I was involved with back in the day that couldn't handle the idea of someone being mad at him, or telling the truth to someone incase it makes themselves look bad(I'll get to that story someday). Guess what idiots, you look even worse when you bullshit around!!
I had no idea what went on and I basically decided that I have totally had it with dating. I thought I could tell a good date from a bad date, but apparently I am not cut out for this game. I didn't see Jasmine's friend until about a month ago at their wedding and she told me that he said that he made more conversation than I did. Another BS comment from the BS-er....
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
South Beach Research
So, it's been awhile since I've posted, I know, but I'm back in action!
I was in South Beach this past weekend for a few days with the girls from high school. We try to do a yearly girls trip and we typically end up in Vegas, but after the last time, I think we all got a little Vegas'd (yes, it's a word) out. We decided to try something new and head to Miami.
The guys in Miami...gross and awful. We all go out Friday night and are minding our own business when these 2 guys approach us - from Jersey (enough said). They seemed fairly normal, so we weren't too bothered by them. I think they may have bought us drinks, so ya know, we had to pretend to like them for a bit. Ha...girls are such bitches. So after a few, one guy is totally flirting with one of my friends and he then goes around the table and discovers that, naturally, I am the only single one out of the 5 of us. He walks away and a few minutes later he comes back and pulls me up to the dance floor. This had BS written all over it. I knew I was chosen by default and that just doesn't sit well with me. As we're dancing...
Me: So since I'm the only single one, that's why you pull me to dance?
Jersey Trash: Yeah...what's wrong with that?
Me: Just a few things...
Jersey Trash (trying to cover his ass): You should meet up with us later...let me get your number.
Right. I gave him my number, and I walked back to my table. Excuse me, but he just told me I was second best...actually 5th best. Call me crazy, but I see a big fat ass problem with that. He texted later and that was ignored. Douche.
After that round of dudes left, we noticed another group of OLD men lingering around us. They were smoking cigars right in our faces and we were getting disgusted. They attempted to talk to one of us and mentioned that they were taking pictures of one of us and showed them to us. These creepsters were watching us all night! Things got ugly after this. We started yelling at them, they started blowing their cigar smoke right in our faces and being assholes. This went on for the rest of the night and we got security involved. We were pretty drunk at this point, so we started collecting drinks and put them off to the side. Our plan was to dump them on these guys as we were walking out. Yeah, that's how bad it was. Once we came to our senses a bit, we decided against that idea because these creepers were so bad that they probably would have followed us and murdered us or something.
The next night we went to LIV and had a BLAST! But not before we noticed some guy in a striped shirt following us around. He was by himself too. Come to think of it, there were tons of guys that were out by themselves. I find that to be super weird, and again, CREEPY. Anyways, apparently this one dude was all up on my friends shit all night and when she went to the bathroom he budged right behind her and tried to go in with her! WTF???? Security grabbed him and tossed him out, thank goodness. After we lost him, we found normal people and danced our booties off all night.
Honestly though, where did these Miami men come from???? I thought South Beach was supposed to be swanky and high class? The places were really fun, but the people that surround these spots were just RIDIC!
At the end of the weekend, we all agreed to never stray from Vegas again. I don't know what I was thinking when I said I was sick of it. Vegas 2011 - here we come!!!
I was in South Beach this past weekend for a few days with the girls from high school. We try to do a yearly girls trip and we typically end up in Vegas, but after the last time, I think we all got a little Vegas'd (yes, it's a word) out. We decided to try something new and head to Miami.
The guys in Miami...gross and awful. We all go out Friday night and are minding our own business when these 2 guys approach us - from Jersey (enough said). They seemed fairly normal, so we weren't too bothered by them. I think they may have bought us drinks, so ya know, we had to pretend to like them for a bit. Ha...girls are such bitches. So after a few, one guy is totally flirting with one of my friends and he then goes around the table and discovers that, naturally, I am the only single one out of the 5 of us. He walks away and a few minutes later he comes back and pulls me up to the dance floor. This had BS written all over it. I knew I was chosen by default and that just doesn't sit well with me. As we're dancing...
Me: So since I'm the only single one, that's why you pull me to dance?
Jersey Trash: Yeah...what's wrong with that?
Me: Just a few things...
Jersey Trash (trying to cover his ass): You should meet up with us later...let me get your number.
Right. I gave him my number, and I walked back to my table. Excuse me, but he just told me I was second best...actually 5th best. Call me crazy, but I see a big fat ass problem with that. He texted later and that was ignored. Douche.
After that round of dudes left, we noticed another group of OLD men lingering around us. They were smoking cigars right in our faces and we were getting disgusted. They attempted to talk to one of us and mentioned that they were taking pictures of one of us and showed them to us. These creepsters were watching us all night! Things got ugly after this. We started yelling at them, they started blowing their cigar smoke right in our faces and being assholes. This went on for the rest of the night and we got security involved. We were pretty drunk at this point, so we started collecting drinks and put them off to the side. Our plan was to dump them on these guys as we were walking out. Yeah, that's how bad it was. Once we came to our senses a bit, we decided against that idea because these creepers were so bad that they probably would have followed us and murdered us or something.
The next night we went to LIV and had a BLAST! But not before we noticed some guy in a striped shirt following us around. He was by himself too. Come to think of it, there were tons of guys that were out by themselves. I find that to be super weird, and again, CREEPY. Anyways, apparently this one dude was all up on my friends shit all night and when she went to the bathroom he budged right behind her and tried to go in with her! WTF???? Security grabbed him and tossed him out, thank goodness. After we lost him, we found normal people and danced our booties off all night.
Honestly though, where did these Miami men come from???? I thought South Beach was supposed to be swanky and high class? The places were really fun, but the people that surround these spots were just RIDIC!
At the end of the weekend, we all agreed to never stray from Vegas again. I don't know what I was thinking when I said I was sick of it. Vegas 2011 - here we come!!!
Monday, September 6, 2010
Deep Thoughts by Laine B
- I've had a lot of people offer to set me up on dates lately, mainly my old neighbors, and I've politely declined. Want to know why? Because I'm exhausted, that's why. Every single blind date that I've been set up for has not gone well and I just don't think that's the answer to my singleness. Only one date...ONE...was acceptable and actually met most of my standards and he didn't like me! That's an awesome story that I'm not ready to write about yet, but I will soon. Don't worry. So anyways, yeah, unless it's someone AWESOME, I'm not willing to take any chances at the moment. However, I am not really accomplishing much by sitting on my duff either...hmmmm...
- If I ever get married, I'll end up having a shit ton of bridesmaids because I won't want to leave anyone out. Although, it seems that my list of friends is getting smaller as the years go on (and as the rings go on), so maybe it won't be that many when the day finally arrives. Either way, my point is that these b'maids will not be in charge of ANYTHING. Not even my bachelorette party. Why? As a professional bridesmaid, it has become to clear to me that no matter who is in the bridal party, there is always catty drama and everyone ends up hating each other in the end (don't worry, I have stories to back this up). Okay, not ALL wedding parties, but most of them. I refuse to let this kind of horseshit go on, I will be planning everything and you will all be required to show up. Done. I think that sounds like a pretty sweet deal for them considering the BS that I've had to put with, right?
- My 30th birthday party is going to be my "wedding" - just to give you all a heads up. Yeah...I don't care how obnoxious it is. Suck it.
- I'm not sure why I haven't gotten a call from Steven Tyler yet since we made friends a couple weeks ago.
- I keep hearing stories about people getting married and suddenly being miserable or cheating on each other. I feel like people don't really get what they are doing when they get engaged. Like, it doesn't end after the super fun wedding you planned...you're kind of stuck with them for life. Duh! Idiots. This makes me so happy that I'm single, believe it or not.
- I rule. You drool.
- If I ever get married, I'll end up having a shit ton of bridesmaids because I won't want to leave anyone out. Although, it seems that my list of friends is getting smaller as the years go on (and as the rings go on), so maybe it won't be that many when the day finally arrives. Either way, my point is that these b'maids will not be in charge of ANYTHING. Not even my bachelorette party. Why? As a professional bridesmaid, it has become to clear to me that no matter who is in the bridal party, there is always catty drama and everyone ends up hating each other in the end (don't worry, I have stories to back this up). Okay, not ALL wedding parties, but most of them. I refuse to let this kind of horseshit go on, I will be planning everything and you will all be required to show up. Done. I think that sounds like a pretty sweet deal for them considering the BS that I've had to put with, right?
- My 30th birthday party is going to be my "wedding" - just to give you all a heads up. Yeah...I don't care how obnoxious it is. Suck it.
- I'm not sure why I haven't gotten a call from Steven Tyler yet since we made friends a couple weeks ago.
- I keep hearing stories about people getting married and suddenly being miserable or cheating on each other. I feel like people don't really get what they are doing when they get engaged. Like, it doesn't end after the super fun wedding you planned...you're kind of stuck with them for life. Duh! Idiots. This makes me so happy that I'm single, believe it or not.
- I rule. You drool.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Ridin' HIIIIIGGGHHH!!!!!
So, this particular post has NOTHING to do with the theme of this blog, but I have to get it out there for 2 reasons: 1) cause it's AWESOME and 2) I don't have to tell the story 90 times. Ha!
Ahhh, a night with Aerosmith. Boy, that sure sounds like I banged the band, doesn't it? Unfortunately, that is not the case. What I expected to happen and what did happen are two totally different stories.
Here's what I thought was going to go on. I knew that we were going to be backstage at a private party with food and drinks, etc and that we would have 3rd row seats by the catwalk. I also knew that we would be meeting Steven Tyler and Joe Perry and that we'd be getting picture taken and have the opportunity to have one item autographed by both of them (we both brought old record Aerosmith record albums). I figured the VIP girl in charge was going to be a little beast (my bro has met her before and said she could go either way) and just drag us to where we needed to be. I was under the impression that we'd hang out at this party for a little while with a bunch of people we didn't know and just wait for our time to meet the boys. I expected Steven Tyler to be nice, but not too animated and figured he would have an attitude like he just wanted to get it over with. Joe Perry I thought would be pretty cool, but I really didn't expect to get more than the time it took to take a pic with both of them. I guess my expectations were low so that I wouldn't get disappointed.
Here's what actually happened...hold on to your butts. We head to the concert to meet our VIP girl, Amanda, at 4:45pm (concert started at 7:30pm). She comes out and tells us that there has been a slight issues with our seats due to the size of the catwalk at this particular venue and it took out almost an entire section. Our hearts dropped to the floor and I started to panic. Amanda says "Don't panic. To try and make this fair for all of you, we're giving you guys first priority to pick where you'd like to sit. You can choose to stay in your original seat, or pick somewhere else if you don't like it." SERIOUSLY?! We're so fine with this. Joe and I start brainstorming, go in and get smart. However, we were told to move back to the bleachers because Steven had to come back out to check some things out. I see him walk out with a cigar and can NOT stop staring him down. Anyways, a few minutes later we go in to get our seats. The two of us crazies obviously know where Steven spends most of his time during the concerts, so we strategically pick seats right next to the catwalk, a little in front of where security guards are, and on the right side, so that we could be on Joe Perry's side of the stage too.
Security changes our seats and we head into the private party. As we are going in, we're told that Joey Kramer is selling his book and if we buy it then he'll sign it for us. We didn't think it'd be worth it unless he was going to physically sign it right in front of us, so we asked and we were told that he'd be coming in to sign it. We all sit down and help ourselves to this huge spread of food (as if I needed more of that after being at the fair all day) and Joe and I grab a beer immediately to loosen up. A few minutes later, we're told that Joey Kramer is going to stop in to not only sign our books, but answer any questions we have for him, take pictures with our table, and take individual pics with all of us!
HOLY so now we're meeting 3 out of 5 members of Aerosmith AND got to pick our own seats?!?! So far...GREAT deal.
Joey Kramer comes in and is super nice, very personable. Answers all of our questions very honestly, which was cool. My brother asked the first question and after his answer he goes "Anybody ever tell you that you look like Jerry Seinfeld?" Funny since people tell him that all the time.
Now it's time to meet Steven Tyler. Holy. Balls. We were supposed to meet Steven and Joe together, but Joe was running late and Steven wanted to do his meet and greet now. This actually worked out better since we got a little more time with them. My bro went in first and chatted with him for a few minutes. He snuck some blank sheet music in the record and asked Steven to fill out the first notes to "Walk This Way." Steven says "I can definitely do that for ya" and starts writing. Amanda offers to play it so that he can remember what they are but he got it HA! Then they take their pics together and Steven says "whoa, you're pretty buff!"
It's my turn and somehow I was feeling totally fine with this. I walk in as my bro is heading out and he says to Steven "and here's my sister...." FYI - Steven Tyler was SO friendly and animated...he looked me straight in the eye the entire time we were talking and he was friggin' AWESOME. And no, he did not look scary in person, he actually looked totally normal.
Steven: This is your sister?! Your brother is pretty buff...man, I sound gay.
Me: Aw, don't tell me that!
Steven: How ya doin' honey?
Me: I'm awesome right now, it's so good to finally meet you - you guys are so great. You wanna bring me up on stage to sing a little "What It Takes" together? (I had to get straight to the point here...)
Steven: Oh wow, can you sing??
Me: Yeah, I can definitely sing! (sure...)
Steven belts out the first line: "There goes my old girlfriend..." and looks right at me to sing the next and somehow I belted it out...in tune and everything.
Me: There's another diaaamond ring...
Steven: Yeah!! Where are you sitting? I'll go like this (and points at the eyes with the two fingers). You're not sitting too far up the catwalk are you?
Me: Nope, I'm right next to it on the right, right next to your speaker.
My fav security guard that loved me came in and said he'd point me out during the song (I never got on stage, but it was the thought that counted). Then Steven just whipped me to the side and drew a bleeding heart on my arm (which I'm seriously thinking of tattooing somewhere), gave me a smooch on the cheek and took his pics with me.
Ahhh, a night with Aerosmith. Boy, that sure sounds like I banged the band, doesn't it? Unfortunately, that is not the case. What I expected to happen and what did happen are two totally different stories.
Here's what I thought was going to go on. I knew that we were going to be backstage at a private party with food and drinks, etc and that we would have 3rd row seats by the catwalk. I also knew that we would be meeting Steven Tyler and Joe Perry and that we'd be getting picture taken and have the opportunity to have one item autographed by both of them (we both brought old record Aerosmith record albums). I figured the VIP girl in charge was going to be a little beast (my bro has met her before and said she could go either way) and just drag us to where we needed to be. I was under the impression that we'd hang out at this party for a little while with a bunch of people we didn't know and just wait for our time to meet the boys. I expected Steven Tyler to be nice, but not too animated and figured he would have an attitude like he just wanted to get it over with. Joe Perry I thought would be pretty cool, but I really didn't expect to get more than the time it took to take a pic with both of them. I guess my expectations were low so that I wouldn't get disappointed.
Here's what actually happened...hold on to your butts. We head to the concert to meet our VIP girl, Amanda, at 4:45pm (concert started at 7:30pm). She comes out and tells us that there has been a slight issues with our seats due to the size of the catwalk at this particular venue and it took out almost an entire section. Our hearts dropped to the floor and I started to panic. Amanda says "Don't panic. To try and make this fair for all of you, we're giving you guys first priority to pick where you'd like to sit. You can choose to stay in your original seat, or pick somewhere else if you don't like it." SERIOUSLY?! We're so fine with this. Joe and I start brainstorming, go in and get smart. However, we were told to move back to the bleachers because Steven had to come back out to check some things out. I see him walk out with a cigar and can NOT stop staring him down. Anyways, a few minutes later we go in to get our seats. The two of us crazies obviously know where Steven spends most of his time during the concerts, so we strategically pick seats right next to the catwalk, a little in front of where security guards are, and on the right side, so that we could be on Joe Perry's side of the stage too.
Security changes our seats and we head into the private party. As we are going in, we're told that Joey Kramer is selling his book and if we buy it then he'll sign it for us. We didn't think it'd be worth it unless he was going to physically sign it right in front of us, so we asked and we were told that he'd be coming in to sign it. We all sit down and help ourselves to this huge spread of food (as if I needed more of that after being at the fair all day) and Joe and I grab a beer immediately to loosen up. A few minutes later, we're told that Joey Kramer is going to stop in to not only sign our books, but answer any questions we have for him, take pictures with our table, and take individual pics with all of us!
HOLY so now we're meeting 3 out of 5 members of Aerosmith AND got to pick our own seats?!?! So far...GREAT deal.
Joey Kramer comes in and is super nice, very personable. Answers all of our questions very honestly, which was cool. My brother asked the first question and after his answer he goes "Anybody ever tell you that you look like Jerry Seinfeld?" Funny since people tell him that all the time.
Now it's time to meet Steven Tyler. Holy. Balls. We were supposed to meet Steven and Joe together, but Joe was running late and Steven wanted to do his meet and greet now. This actually worked out better since we got a little more time with them. My bro went in first and chatted with him for a few minutes. He snuck some blank sheet music in the record and asked Steven to fill out the first notes to "Walk This Way." Steven says "I can definitely do that for ya" and starts writing. Amanda offers to play it so that he can remember what they are but he got it HA! Then they take their pics together and Steven says "whoa, you're pretty buff!"
It's my turn and somehow I was feeling totally fine with this. I walk in as my bro is heading out and he says to Steven "and here's my sister...." FYI - Steven Tyler was SO friendly and animated...he looked me straight in the eye the entire time we were talking and he was friggin' AWESOME. And no, he did not look scary in person, he actually looked totally normal.
Steven: This is your sister?! Your brother is pretty buff...man, I sound gay.
Me: Aw, don't tell me that!
Steven: How ya doin' honey?
Me: I'm awesome right now, it's so good to finally meet you - you guys are so great. You wanna bring me up on stage to sing a little "What It Takes" together? (I had to get straight to the point here...)
Steven: Oh wow, can you sing??
Me: Yeah, I can definitely sing! (sure...)
Steven belts out the first line: "There goes my old girlfriend..." and looks right at me to sing the next and somehow I belted it out...in tune and everything.
Me: There's another diaaamond ring...
Steven: Yeah!! Where are you sitting? I'll go like this (and points at the eyes with the two fingers). You're not sitting too far up the catwalk are you?
Me: Nope, I'm right next to it on the right, right next to your speaker.
My fav security guard that loved me came in and said he'd point me out during the song (I never got on stage, but it was the thought that counted). Then Steven just whipped me to the side and drew a bleeding heart on my arm (which I'm seriously thinking of tattooing somewhere), gave me a smooch on the cheek and took his pics with me.
My legs were shaking on the way out. I don't know how I just had a conversation, let alone, sang part of his song with him. WTF just happened?!
We go back into the party and are told that Brad Whitford is going to come in and warm up and take pictures with us. Oh okay, so now we're meeting FOUR of the 5 Aerosmith members. No big deal.
Now it's time to meet Joe Perry. At this point, I just can't even get over this. Joe Perry comes out in his crazy sunglasses (I'm convinced he had eye surgery since he wore them during the whole concert, which he never does, but whatevs). He was much more quiet, which I didn't expect. It was kind of like pulling teeth to get him to talk, but he was still really nice. My bro got him talking' a bit when he asked them to play "Movin' Out," but that was pretty much it. It went like this:
Me: All I can say....is that you're awesome....you're fuckin' awesome. I don't even know what else to say.
Joe: Thanks honey, thanks.
Me: And I like those glasses...
Joe: Thanks honey...I'll be seein' you later.
This experience was completely worth it and blew my expectations out of the water!! Coolest, nicest guys ever. After the meet and greet, we make our way to the concert and are literally resting on the catwalk the entire time. They were right in our faces and I LOVED IT!
The boys may be older, but they still know how to rock the joint!!!!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Shut The Hell Up!
Dear Boys~
If you are out somewhere at a bar, restaurant, wedding, whatever...and you see a girl that you might be interested in, by all means, go up and start talking to her. We ladies love this, assuming you are not a creepster and all.
However, if you are talking to her and she is kind of not paying attention to you, don't continue to talk to her...it's just plain annoying and it's not getting you anywhere. If two do start chatting and you ask for this ladies phone number and she says "no" the first time, do yourselves a favor and just back the F off. I don't care what excuse she gives you, it's for a reason that she is not giving you her digits. Most likely, she is just trying to get a free drink out of you, as I'm sure you have all figured out by now.
There are some of you guys out there who just don't know when to shut the hell up though. Perfect example: Two weekends ago we went to the bar after the reception and this guy comes up and starts talking to me and he was nice and all that crap, but he was also a decade older than me...and looked it. I told him that I'm just not interested in dating right now. Sure enough, the moron kept pushing and I finally said that I don't date people that are 10yrs older than me. Even THAT didn't get through to him. I was exhausted, drunk and not in the mood for this so I finally just gave him my digits so he'd shut the f up and flat out told him not to expect me to answer if he calls.
Sure as shit, he calls me FOUR times this past week. I finally answered last night and re-explained myself. What does he do? Analyze me, tell me why I'm wrong, what my problems are, why I should give him a shot, etc etc. One of his points of persuasion was "I'm not saying we have to have sex on the first date or anything..." Oh really? Gee, thanks for clarifying that, let's totally go out now!!! Idiot.
So gentlemen, do you see what I'm getting at here? Do ya smell what I'm steppin' in?? If a girl doesn't seem interested or is flat out blunt (like moi) and tells you what the deal is, just BACK OFF! And before you start telling me that girls do the same thing, times ten...yes, I'm aware. I'm sure I've done it myself, but I've learned from my mistakes...you should too. Pointing out the chicks flaws are not going to get you anywhere buckos, especially in the sack. So, please, just shut the fuck up.
Happy Dating.
Cheers!
Laine
If you are out somewhere at a bar, restaurant, wedding, whatever...and you see a girl that you might be interested in, by all means, go up and start talking to her. We ladies love this, assuming you are not a creepster and all.
However, if you are talking to her and she is kind of not paying attention to you, don't continue to talk to her...it's just plain annoying and it's not getting you anywhere. If two do start chatting and you ask for this ladies phone number and she says "no" the first time, do yourselves a favor and just back the F off. I don't care what excuse she gives you, it's for a reason that she is not giving you her digits. Most likely, she is just trying to get a free drink out of you, as I'm sure you have all figured out by now.
There are some of you guys out there who just don't know when to shut the hell up though. Perfect example: Two weekends ago we went to the bar after the reception and this guy comes up and starts talking to me and he was nice and all that crap, but he was also a decade older than me...and looked it. I told him that I'm just not interested in dating right now. Sure enough, the moron kept pushing and I finally said that I don't date people that are 10yrs older than me. Even THAT didn't get through to him. I was exhausted, drunk and not in the mood for this so I finally just gave him my digits so he'd shut the f up and flat out told him not to expect me to answer if he calls.
Sure as shit, he calls me FOUR times this past week. I finally answered last night and re-explained myself. What does he do? Analyze me, tell me why I'm wrong, what my problems are, why I should give him a shot, etc etc. One of his points of persuasion was "I'm not saying we have to have sex on the first date or anything..." Oh really? Gee, thanks for clarifying that, let's totally go out now!!! Idiot.
So gentlemen, do you see what I'm getting at here? Do ya smell what I'm steppin' in?? If a girl doesn't seem interested or is flat out blunt (like moi) and tells you what the deal is, just BACK OFF! And before you start telling me that girls do the same thing, times ten...yes, I'm aware. I'm sure I've done it myself, but I've learned from my mistakes...you should too. Pointing out the chicks flaws are not going to get you anywhere buckos, especially in the sack. So, please, just shut the fuck up.
Happy Dating.
Cheers!
Laine
Friday, August 20, 2010
The Lumberjack
Several people have been asking me to write about this particular date since I've started this blog, but I've been holding out simply because I'm afraid the rest of my blogging "career" may never live up to this doozy. Then again, it is me...
Last year, over Halloween weekend (crap, I gotta start thinking of my costume for this year!), Ron & Veronica came to visit and we went to meet up with some of my old co-workers for happy hour since they were all dressed up. I think the entire company was out including Polly, who by the way, did not impress my friends at all that night. Ha! Shocking. After his sorry ass left, another co-worker started chatting with me and I was kinda into him. I'm not really sure why because he was not my type at all and he wore plaid shirts a lot, which is why he is now named "The Lumberjack." It could also be because he came up to me and said "Bob just told me that you were involved with Polly for a little bit and that he treated you like shit, is that still going on?" I honestly don't know where he would have heard this because Polly & I kept things on the DL, but it made me chuckle that those were the rumors going around HAAA! I chose not to answer the question and blew it off. Anyways, he was always very nice and super fun at the moment so I think the personality had me interested.
After HH Ron, Veronica and I decided that we needed some grub and Veronica took it upon herself to invite Lumberjack along with us, which I wasn't a fan of right off the bat, but I went with it. He seemed to be on the same wavelength with me that night because I kept throwin' out movie quotes (again, shocking, I know) and he was keeping up, which always scores major points with me. At the end of the night he asked if he could take me to dinner some night...sure!
A few days later, he calls and asks what I'm up to for the weekend. He says "So, I know you're into movies and such, but I was wondering how you feel about art and culture..." I'm thinking that I don't give a rats ass about art and any idea for a date that begins with that question can not be good. So I ask what he has in mind and he tells me that he wants to take me to this movie screening in Brooklyn (strike 1 already) that his friend is putting on. Keeping an open mind, I agree to go because a) what the hell else do I have going on and b) he'd keep my mind occupied from other idiots. Although, I was wondering what happened to the dinner idea.
Lumberjack calls me and says to meet him at this bar in the city that he's at with his brother, so I go there and he's there in his plaid with his brother and his entire family. Weird. We stay for a few and start driving into Brooklyn. We get to the bar and he starts talking to me about where our ancestors came from, then about the universe, and then he asked me what my symbol was for my birth year on the Chinese calendar. Yes, this was the conversation he chose to have with me. I'm sorry, but I did not see ANY of this crap from him on Halloween, the conversation was much lighter and more fun. What happened to movie quotes and sarcasm?? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for some serious conversation on a date, but this?!?!?!? Then he tells me that we are about to see a silent movie. Did he know me at all? So I did what any girl would have done, tossed back more wine.
Movie starts. We're all standing in this warehouse type place and the movie is all scenes and images from NYC. Everyone is literally standing there in silence and staring at this film like it's the most amazing thing they have ever seen since vodka was invented. What am I doing? Laughing my ass off because it's the most AWKWARD thing I've ever seen. It was the type of awkward like when you're in the elevator with a bunch of people and nobody is talking so you just start laughing. That was me. I just don't get shit like that at all and I certainly am not into discussing "the year of the dog" or whatever.
Hell finally froze over and the movie ended and I had a pretty good buzz going, thank goodness. Since I was kind of stuck in Brooklyn, I figured I'd give Lumberjack the benefit of the doubt and continue onto another bar, but not before we stopped on some street corner to meet up with some of his friends who were just jumping around taking pictures of themselves. Okay, I'll admit it, that was a lot of fun for me to watch since I just came from history class. Then he wants to go back to his place to hang out. Sure, why not? I'm buzzed and bitter from Polly still, so this sounds like the perfect idea.
We get to his apartment. Oh. My. GOD. This place is AWFUL!! I'm not exaggerating when I say that it is 10x10. He had nothing but a bed, a futon and a little TV shoved in a corner. There was no kitchen - apparently he shares it with his neighbors downstairs. He had a mini fridge and that was it. I may as well have been in college again. Now, here's the best part (if you are eating, stop). I use the bathroom...I barely fit in there. I lift the seat up and there is a giant pile of shit just sitting in there. It must have been there all day, I was so disgusted. So, I didn't want to embarrass him so I tried to flush it and nothing happened. Awful, awful, awful. I walk out and don't say anything about it, I just grab a beer, sit on the futon and start thinking about how I'm going to get home. Lumberjack goes over and shuts the bathroom door, most likely because it smelled. There was NO way I was going to take the blame for this, so I called him out:
ME: Do you think I just took a shit in there?!
LUMBER: Kinda smells like ya did...
ME: Um, actually I lifted the toilet seat and there was a huge pile of crap in there. So, no, I didn't.
LUMBER: ...ooooh my god!!! That's terrible!!!
ME: Um, yeah...I'm aware.
A little while after that he starts trying to mess around with me and I kinda just freaked out and told him that it's not happening and that I have to leave. He tries every line in the book to get me to stay and I was just not feelin' it. Can't imagine why! After he sees that his persuasions failed, I was like, dude, I'm sorry but I just have to go. He says: "What are you apologizing for? Laine, it's fine...I know you have issues, it's fine." Jigga WHAT?! Don't tell me I have issues...you wear plaid shirts, live in a dorm room and don't flush your toilet! What is it with guys telling me I have issues when they don't get what they want?! Only I'm allowed to say that I have issues. What a dipshit. I got in a cab and peaced.
Lumberjack called a few days later wanting to take me out again, which didn't happen and then told me that he was leaving for like 4 months or something to travel. Enjoy dude! Enjoy.
Seriously, how do I get myself into these situations?!?
Last year, over Halloween weekend (crap, I gotta start thinking of my costume for this year!), Ron & Veronica came to visit and we went to meet up with some of my old co-workers for happy hour since they were all dressed up. I think the entire company was out including Polly, who by the way, did not impress my friends at all that night. Ha! Shocking. After his sorry ass left, another co-worker started chatting with me and I was kinda into him. I'm not really sure why because he was not my type at all and he wore plaid shirts a lot, which is why he is now named "The Lumberjack." It could also be because he came up to me and said "Bob just told me that you were involved with Polly for a little bit and that he treated you like shit, is that still going on?" I honestly don't know where he would have heard this because Polly & I kept things on the DL, but it made me chuckle that those were the rumors going around HAAA! I chose not to answer the question and blew it off. Anyways, he was always very nice and super fun at the moment so I think the personality had me interested.
After HH Ron, Veronica and I decided that we needed some grub and Veronica took it upon herself to invite Lumberjack along with us, which I wasn't a fan of right off the bat, but I went with it. He seemed to be on the same wavelength with me that night because I kept throwin' out movie quotes (again, shocking, I know) and he was keeping up, which always scores major points with me. At the end of the night he asked if he could take me to dinner some night...sure!
A few days later, he calls and asks what I'm up to for the weekend. He says "So, I know you're into movies and such, but I was wondering how you feel about art and culture..." I'm thinking that I don't give a rats ass about art and any idea for a date that begins with that question can not be good. So I ask what he has in mind and he tells me that he wants to take me to this movie screening in Brooklyn (strike 1 already) that his friend is putting on. Keeping an open mind, I agree to go because a) what the hell else do I have going on and b) he'd keep my mind occupied from other idiots. Although, I was wondering what happened to the dinner idea.
Lumberjack calls me and says to meet him at this bar in the city that he's at with his brother, so I go there and he's there in his plaid with his brother and his entire family. Weird. We stay for a few and start driving into Brooklyn. We get to the bar and he starts talking to me about where our ancestors came from, then about the universe, and then he asked me what my symbol was for my birth year on the Chinese calendar. Yes, this was the conversation he chose to have with me. I'm sorry, but I did not see ANY of this crap from him on Halloween, the conversation was much lighter and more fun. What happened to movie quotes and sarcasm?? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for some serious conversation on a date, but this?!?!?!? Then he tells me that we are about to see a silent movie. Did he know me at all? So I did what any girl would have done, tossed back more wine.
Movie starts. We're all standing in this warehouse type place and the movie is all scenes and images from NYC. Everyone is literally standing there in silence and staring at this film like it's the most amazing thing they have ever seen since vodka was invented. What am I doing? Laughing my ass off because it's the most AWKWARD thing I've ever seen. It was the type of awkward like when you're in the elevator with a bunch of people and nobody is talking so you just start laughing. That was me. I just don't get shit like that at all and I certainly am not into discussing "the year of the dog" or whatever.
Hell finally froze over and the movie ended and I had a pretty good buzz going, thank goodness. Since I was kind of stuck in Brooklyn, I figured I'd give Lumberjack the benefit of the doubt and continue onto another bar, but not before we stopped on some street corner to meet up with some of his friends who were just jumping around taking pictures of themselves. Okay, I'll admit it, that was a lot of fun for me to watch since I just came from history class. Then he wants to go back to his place to hang out. Sure, why not? I'm buzzed and bitter from Polly still, so this sounds like the perfect idea.
We get to his apartment. Oh. My. GOD. This place is AWFUL!! I'm not exaggerating when I say that it is 10x10. He had nothing but a bed, a futon and a little TV shoved in a corner. There was no kitchen - apparently he shares it with his neighbors downstairs. He had a mini fridge and that was it. I may as well have been in college again. Now, here's the best part (if you are eating, stop). I use the bathroom...I barely fit in there. I lift the seat up and there is a giant pile of shit just sitting in there. It must have been there all day, I was so disgusted. So, I didn't want to embarrass him so I tried to flush it and nothing happened. Awful, awful, awful. I walk out and don't say anything about it, I just grab a beer, sit on the futon and start thinking about how I'm going to get home. Lumberjack goes over and shuts the bathroom door, most likely because it smelled. There was NO way I was going to take the blame for this, so I called him out:
ME: Do you think I just took a shit in there?!
LUMBER: Kinda smells like ya did...
ME: Um, actually I lifted the toilet seat and there was a huge pile of crap in there. So, no, I didn't.
LUMBER:
ME: Um, yeah...I'm aware.
A little while after that he starts trying to mess around with me and I kinda just freaked out and told him that it's not happening and that I have to leave. He tries every line in the book to get me to stay and I was just not feelin' it. Can't imagine why! After he sees that his persuasions failed, I was like, dude, I'm sorry but I just have to go. He says: "What are you apologizing for? Laine, it's fine...I know you have issues, it's fine." Jigga WHAT?! Don't tell me I have issues...you wear plaid shirts, live in a dorm room and don't flush your toilet! What is it with guys telling me I have issues when they don't get what they want?! Only I'm allowed to say that I have issues. What a dipshit. I got in a cab and peaced.
Lumberjack called a few days later wanting to take me out again, which didn't happen and then told me that he was leaving for like 4 months or something to travel. Enjoy dude! Enjoy.
Seriously, how do I get myself into these situations?!?
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