Shit or Get Off The Pot

I was talking to my cousin earlier, who is also a single lady in the big city, like myself, and we were talking about our singlehood. The only difference between us is that she was always a relationship (like for real relationships...crazy, I know) kinda girl and never really "dated" while I have done nothing but date and have "semi-relationships." She's been single for awhile now and we were discussing how annoying dating is and how long it takes for something to warm up. I have to say...she could not have summed it up any better with these lines:

"I think sometimes us Italian family women have it hard because we don't really take shit and I think most girls do until a month in. A week in we're like..."listen..." and I think maybe it's intimidating.
I mean...alllllll guys ever say is that they want girls to tell them what they think and be straight forward instead of passive, but REALLY they want us to be passive and they want to complain about us."

Cuz...A-friggin-men to that! I recently experienced this trash again with a moron. This is a huuuuge story that deserves it's own book, but here it is in a nutshell...

LOVED the guy for years back in the day...we had our on moments where I thought things might finally happen and then either a bunch of stupid drama would go down or he'd just fall off earth for a couple months. We've stayed friends throughout the years and a couple months ago he started being all up in my shiz...asking when I'd be in town again, who I was dating, if I was hooking up, if he had another shot with me etc etc. This would happen almost every weekend so finally, I called him out. He told me he's been thinking about us dating a lot lately and that we make sense together, that he compares every girl he dates to me, etc etc. Basically, all the things I ever wanted to hear from him and all the things I SAID to him years ago that he disagreed with. Funny how that happens, huh?

I basically said that I'd consider it but that he had to majorly step it up considering all the crap he put me through and that he had to pretty much get me to like him again. A week goes by and I don't hear jack from him. I send him an email telling him every little thing that I expect from him and that sitting on his ass was not going to cut it. I already dealt with his crap once, so if he wanted me to consider him again, he had WORK to do.

The weekend passes by and I hear from him on Monday telling me that he doesn't think he can give me what I deserve right now. Uhhhh baking powder??? What the hell did he think that I was going to do when he brought all of this up in the first place? Drop everything in my life to run home thanking him?? Make all the effort myself while he sits on the couch? Wait around for a few more years until he grows the balls to make an effort? Sorry dude, I grew up.

Perfect example of these guys pissing and moaning that girls are soooo confusing. Meanwhile, I spell out in little kid wording what I want, and they go running. I think guys are much more confusing than I am. Not saying that I don't have my moments, but I know exactly what I want GD-it!

Cheers bitches.

Millions Shmillions

Why do people with loads of cash always think that they can treat people however they want and they will automatically worship them? I can see how that would be blinding to some people but not this girl, folks. NOT THIS GIRL! Let me explain this one evening I had.

A couple weeks ago at work, some of the big dogs there said that they were going to take me out for drinks with them. I had heard their happy hour/dinner stories before and they always intrigued me since most of the time they were out with random celebs and the most ridiculous things would go down. Needless to say, I was interested to see where this night was going to take me.

I'm walking out with 2 of the guys and I ask how we're getting to the restaurant and all they say to me is "Just get in the grey Mercedes." Okay, I can do that, no problem. We get to the restaurant (which was like 4 blocks away, FYI - total walking distance, but I forgot that rich people don't walk or drive themselves anywhere), and it's just me and a bunch of 40-50yr old dudes. Yea, I know what you're all thinking...and no, they weren't creepy, they were very nice. Then I realize who I'm with:

- Big Dog #1 - Invested 30k in his cousin's company way back in the day and is now worth 125 million. His cousin is Bill Gates.

- Big Dog #2 - Worked his butt off all his life and is worth 75 million. Owns a casino and a couple of houses...one in the Hampton's that is fully staffed. He was also the one with the personal driver.

- Former NHL Hockey player and his wife. Was worth 300 mil, now owes 200 mil. His wife frequently fools around with other ladies and went on to make out and attempt a 3-way with her husband and another lawyer. That didn't happen only because they are the doing business together and it would be inappropriate.

- Hockey players friends: 3 douchers. One with a bad suit that was too big on him, another who had man boobs and just an all around bad outfit with super gel stiff hair (think Jersey trash but not in shape - he totally needed the manziere) and another who just kinda sat there. All 3 douchers were in their 20's and apparently all make millions.

The big dogs thought Man-boobs and I would be great together because he was 27 and rich. I usually don't like younger men, but I had a few glasses of wine so it sounded fine to me. We sit down to dinner and this dude is a piece of WORK!

He started asking me the standard questions like "what do you do in the city" and I started telling him and he just looked at me and was like "You know, I'm only asking you because he said I had to be nice." I, being a little thrown off, say "Oh...so you don't really care what I do in the city then?" He says "I just think our conversation could be a little more exciting." Umm, what? You're the one asking the questions bucko. Hockey guy hears this and is yelling at him to be nice to me. I tell him that I'd rather him be himself instead of this fake "nice" guy.

Boy, was that a mistake. After awhile he was starting to get all flirty and then asked what I was doing over the weekend. Apparently, I was talking too much and my answer was not "exciting" enough for him because he totally cut me off and goes "What are ya, writing a book??" After that, I totally turned my back to him and started talking to the other guys. He tried talking to me the entire night after that and all he could do was tell me about his money and how his grandfather was the pioneer of late night television. That's great, Man-boobs, but did you forget how your personality totally sucked and how you dress like a 2yr old? Cause I didn't. What exactly is he doing with his millions anyway? I know he's not hiring a trainer or a stylist...

My question was answered within minutes of him realizing that he wasn't getting laid. Once he got the point, within minutes, the owner brings over 2 prostitutes for these young boys. They left after about an hour and went to the gentleman's club. After awhile the rest of the men left to go to the same club. I was invited but turned it down like a lady, dammit(but that's only because I was just at the same strip joint a few days earlier...whole other story)!

My point is...I don't get why these rich guys think they can talk to someone like that and think they will be fine with it. Once the prostitutes came in, I obviously understood why. Maybe I looked like a hooker that night or something, I don't know.

Sugar Daddy

Living in New York City, you see a lot of odd couples together. You know what I'm talkin' about...the couples that you look at and are like 'WTF is he doing with her?' and vice versa. Then you see the cougars with the young men....and then you see the old guys with the twenty-somethings.

Welp, I recently had the opportunity to get myself a sugar daddy of my very own.

One of my jobs right now is being a temp at a law firm. This particular law firm deals with a lot of high rollers and celebrities in the entertainment industry among several others. There is one client that comes in pretty often - always nice and friendly. A couple weeks ago he was walking out and the conversation went like this:

SD: Well, Laine, it was nice to see you as always.
Me: You too.
SD: And I think I'd like to take you out for a drink...
Me (thinking he was joking): Hahahaha no, that's ok.
SD: No?! Really?
Me (realizing he was serious): No, I don't think so.
SD (looking at me like I was insane for saying no): Really?!! Okay, what about lunch? Let me take you to lunch.
Me (wanting to jump through the window): No, I really don't think so. I'm sorry.
SD: It's okay, I understand.

Now, I will say that this man was never creepy or sketch about this or to me. He really did seem like a normal guy that clearly finds nothing wrong with dating a girl in her 20's.

Here are the stats on this dude:
- Coming up on 70yrs old.
- Former executive director of the NBA
- Has connections everywhere
- According to one of the other lawyers here - has no trouble getting the twenty-something girls
- MARRIED!!

Yep, after I was telling one of the lawyers about my admirer he said: "He is actually great with all the young girls he finds, he's a great conversationalist, has connections up the wazoo....I'd say the only problem with dating SD is that he is married."

I know that there are a good amount of girls my age out there that would probably be totally for this. I just don't get it - I know the economy sucks and all and I could certainly use the extra money, but I'm just not ready to deal with Cialis or Viagara yet. Call me crazy but all the money in the world couldn't change that for me.

Unbelievable. Gotta love NYC dating life!

Vespa & Lonestar's Wedding - Part 1

Welp, I finally attended my 9th wedding - the much anticipated wedding of Princess Vespa and Lonestar. It was gorgeous and so much fun!! After 2 years of planning, it should be, right?! Yes...Vespa has her name for a reason...she's a little nutty.

This was the first time I have been someones maid of honor, which meant that I had to give a toast at the wedding. Besides getting old, this is basically my biggest fear ever in life. I try to avoid public speaking at all times and I don't like when all eyes are on me. I avoided the public speaking class in college for this reason. Yes, I know, not the best move, but I was in college and drunk all the time...I didn't know what was best for me! Needless to say, I was not too excited for this part of the gig.

The wedding day got here, and I was in full panic mode. I'm usually pretty calm and can keep the bride calm and prepared as well, but this time, I had the toast to worry about too and I was FREAKING out all day. Then the added pressure of carrying the wedding band with me was on and I was nervous about that because my damn purse wouldn't shut correctly. Awesome. Don't think I didn't go up to the VP of FCUK at the reception and tell her that there are issues with it and that she needs to fix it immediately. HA! I'm such a jerk.

Anyways, I wrote my speech about a month ago and it literally took me all of 10 minutes. Vespa and I go way back, so it wasn't a struggle to come up with what to say. I was going to take a shot (of alcohol...not a shot in the dark, come on!) and wing it but several people advised against that. Probably good advice for me since I rarely have a filter from my brain to my mouth. So instead, I typed it out and made some edits along the way. I set up my little flip video camera and practiced/timed it about 10 times before and I totally screwed it up and fumbled my words almost every time. The only good thing was that it was short and sweet, which was my goal. Well, maybe not totally "sweet" because I definitely made a point to rip on Vespa about a few key memories. Heh heh.

To ease my nerves, I made sure to bring extra champagne for the limo ride from the church to the reception and tossed back 3 glasses. I basically had to follow Vespa around for pictures while everyone else was inside drinking, so I was starting to get nervous again when it wore off. Vespa asked me to pass along a message to the groomsmen so I did that and thought 'hmm, prime time to get myself some vodka.' so thank youuuu, Vespa! Phew! Right before we were being introduced, I noticed that the groomsmen were all doing a shot. I BOLTED in the middle of them and said "Can I please have one of these?!?!?" Before they even answered I just took it, downed it, and ran off with nobody noticing. It was necessary!

Apparently all of these methods worked for me because I got up there and didn't really need to look at my notes or fumble my words. I think I heard some laughs at my jokes, so that was good. Random people that I barely knew kept coming up to me and telling me how awesome my speech was. One person said "You were really really good. Normally b'maid toasts are pretty weak, but you outdid the best man by far!"

That's right. I rock.

P.S. - I have like 3 more parts to discuss about this wedding, so stay tuned...

Finally A Good Blind Date - SIKE!

Of the million dates that I've been set up on, I finally hit a good match. I was set up by one of Jasmine's friends, who doesn't really know me, so I thought it was pretty funny that he was almost right on target. He took me to dinner at this super yummy restaurant in the LES and then we just walked a few blocks into a bar for a couple of drinks afterwards - we had a great time and we were both talking about seeing each other again. Orrrr maybe I'm completely clueless when it comes to dating. You be the judge and let me know if I'm totally nuts...

So, this guy, we will call him "The BS-er." He friended me on facebook and we started messaging back and forth for about a week before we met (apparently, this is how people start dating now). He was really personable and, for once, the first questions were not "So, what do you do?" This was rather refreshing since I hate to talk about work. I hate how I have to wear my resume on my sleeve everytime I meet someone new. Enough already. Okay, sorry, back to the date...

He picks this cute restaurant and I meet up with him at 7:30. The conversation is flowing nicely. We seemed to have similar backgrounds, we had a lot in common, there were lots of laughs, etc. etc. He was very well mannered, which I'm a sucker for. Then he told me that his goal is to take one European vacation and one tropical vacation a year and I. Was. SOLD! HA! However, that is neither here nor there. After dinner he picks up the check and of course, I offered to split it (even though he would have been totally dismissed if he let me haaaa) and he said that I could pick up the check next time we go out. Hmm, ok, whatever.

So then we're sitting there and he asked if I wanted to go get a couple drinks and I was totally down. I figured this was a good sign because whenever I'm on a trash date I would never offer to get another drink or agree to go after dinner - I'd peace the hell out! We walked a couple of blocks into a bar (he totally moved me to the inside of the sidewalk when we were walking too...it was almost like he read my book of requirements before we met, seriously) and chilled there until MIDNIGHT. We were chatting away and he didn't let me pay for anything (I swear I tried to for real this time) and kept saying things like "next time we hang out..." and "we'll do this..." Once we realized what time it was we decided to head out and he offered to drive me home. It was kind of out of his way, so I said I could take a cab, but he insisted. Clearly, this was going well (I thought).

Once we pulled up to my apt, there may or may not have been a slight MO session for a bit. Then I went up to my apt like a good girl. A bit later he texts me and says "Hey, I'm home. I had a great time with you tonight." The next morning we were joking around on facebook, so, silly me, I was thinking that these were all good signs.

Ummmm right. I didn't hear from BS-er for the next few days which I thought was a little strange. However, we went out on a Wednesday and I knew the upcoming weekend was his birthday, so I figured he might be busy with family and friends, etc. Then I thought about my bible, "He's Just Not That Into You" and I started getting a little (a LOT) annoyed. I texted him on his birthday to say HBD and he didn't get back to me until the next day and it was just "thanks, just got this - was busy all day." Fuck. That.

Now I was just plain PISSED. I literally went over the date about 40 times in my head - cause that's what girls do - and could not think of one possible thing or sign that would indicate he did not want to see me again (since I'm awesome). So I shot BS-er a facebook message, which I probably shouldn't have done, but whatever, he needed to be called out, and not like I was gonna see him again apparently! I basically asked him what the deal was and he said that he thought of me more on a friends level. REALLY?! Then don't tell me you want to see me again, don't make out with me, don't text me when you get home, and don't be all cute the next day on facebook (again, cause that's how people date now). In other words, if we're on a date and you're "not that into me" - DON'T BULLSHIT ME!!

I was totally baffled by this one. He reminded me of this other crapbag I was involved with back in the day that couldn't handle the idea of someone being mad at him, or telling the truth to someone incase it makes themselves look bad(I'll get to that story someday). Guess what idiots, you look even worse when you bullshit around!!

I had no idea what went on and I basically decided that I have totally had it with dating. I thought I could tell a good date from a bad date, but apparently I am not cut out for this game. I didn't see Jasmine's friend until about a month ago at their wedding and she told me that he said that he made more conversation than I did. Another BS comment from the BS-er....

South Beach Research

So, it's been awhile since I've posted, I know, but I'm back in action!

I was in South Beach this past weekend for a few days with the girls from high school. We try to do a yearly girls trip and we typically end up in Vegas, but after the last time, I think we all got a little Vegas'd (yes, it's a word) out. We decided to try something new and head to Miami.

The guys in Miami...gross and awful. We all go out Friday night and are minding our own business when these 2 guys approach us - from Jersey (enough said). They seemed fairly normal, so we weren't too bothered by them. I think they may have bought us drinks, so ya know, we had to pretend to like them for a bit. Ha...girls are such bitches. So after a few, one guy is totally flirting with one of my friends and he then goes around the table and discovers that, naturally, I am the only single one out of the 5 of us. He walks away and a few minutes later he comes back and pulls me up to the dance floor. This had BS written all over it. I knew I was chosen by default and that just doesn't sit well with me. As we're dancing...

Me: So since I'm the only single one, that's why you pull me to dance?
Jersey Trash: Yeah...what's wrong with that?
Me: Just a few things...
Jersey Trash (trying to cover his ass): You should meet up with us later...let me get your number.

Right. I gave him my number, and I walked back to my table. Excuse me, but he just told me I was second best...actually 5th best. Call me crazy, but I see a big fat ass problem with that. He texted later and that was ignored. Douche.

After that round of dudes left, we noticed another group of OLD men lingering around us. They were smoking cigars right in our faces and we were getting disgusted. They attempted to talk to one of us and mentioned that they were taking pictures of one of us and showed them to us. These creepsters were watching us all night! Things got ugly after this. We started yelling at them, they started blowing their cigar smoke right in our faces and being assholes. This went on for the rest of the night and we got security involved. We were pretty drunk at this point, so we started collecting drinks and put them off to the side. Our plan was to dump them on these guys as we were walking out. Yeah, that's how bad it was. Once we came to our senses a bit, we decided against that idea because these creepers were so bad that they probably would have followed us and murdered us or something.

The next night we went to LIV and had a BLAST! But not before we noticed some guy in a striped shirt following us around. He was by himself too. Come to think of it, there were tons of guys that were out by themselves. I find that to be super weird, and again, CREEPY. Anyways, apparently this one dude was all up on my friends shit all night and when she went to the bathroom he budged right behind her and tried to go in with her! WTF???? Security grabbed him and tossed him out, thank goodness. After we lost him, we found normal people and danced our booties off all night.

Honestly though, where did these Miami men come from???? I thought South Beach was supposed to be swanky and high class? The places were really fun, but the people that surround these spots were just RIDIC!

At the end of the weekend, we all agreed to never stray from Vegas again. I don't know what I was thinking when I said I was sick of it. Vegas 2011 - here we come!!!

Deep Thoughts by Laine B

- I've had a lot of people offer to set me up on dates lately, mainly my old neighbors, and I've politely declined. Want to know why? Because I'm exhausted, that's why. Every single blind date that I've been set up for has not gone well and I just don't think that's the answer to my singleness. Only one date...ONE...was acceptable and actually met most of my standards and he didn't like me! That's an awesome story that I'm not ready to write about yet, but I will soon. Don't worry. So anyways, yeah, unless it's someone AWESOME, I'm not willing to take any chances at the moment. However, I am not really accomplishing much by sitting on my duff either...hmmmm...

- If I ever get married, I'll end up having a shit ton of bridesmaids because I won't want to leave anyone out. Although, it seems that my list of friends is getting smaller as the years go on (and as the rings go on), so maybe it won't be that many when the day finally arrives. Either way, my point is that these b'maids will not be in charge of ANYTHING. Not even my bachelorette party. Why? As a professional bridesmaid, it has become to clear to me that no matter who is in the bridal party, there is always catty drama and everyone ends up hating each other in the end (don't worry, I have stories to back this up). Okay, not ALL wedding parties, but most of them. I refuse to let this kind of horseshit go on, I will be planning everything and you will all be required to show up. Done. I think that sounds like a pretty sweet deal for them considering the BS that I've had to put with, right?

- My 30th birthday party is going to be my "wedding" - just to give you all a heads up. Yeah...I don't care how obnoxious it is. Suck it.

- I'm not sure why I haven't gotten a call from Steven Tyler yet since we made friends a couple weeks ago.

- I keep hearing stories about people getting married and suddenly being miserable or cheating on each other. I feel like people don't really get what they are doing when they get engaged. Like, it doesn't end after the super fun wedding you planned...you're kind of stuck with them for life. Duh! Idiots. This makes me so happy that I'm single, believe it or not.

- I rule. You drool.