The Lumberjack

Several people have been asking me to write about this particular date since I've started this blog, but I've been holding out simply because I'm afraid the rest of my blogging "career" may never live up to this doozy. Then again, it is me...

Last year, over Halloween weekend (crap, I gotta start thinking of my costume for this year!), Ron & Veronica came to visit and we went to meet up with some of my old co-workers for happy hour since they were all dressed up. I think the entire company was out including Polly, who by the way, did not impress my friends at all that night. Ha! Shocking. After his sorry ass left, another co-worker started chatting with me and I was kinda into him. I'm not really sure why because he was not my type at all and he wore plaid shirts a lot, which is why he is now named "The Lumberjack." It could also be because he came up to me and said "Bob just told me that you were involved with Polly for a little bit and that he treated you like shit, is that still going on?" I honestly don't know where he would have heard this because Polly & I kept things on the DL, but it made me chuckle that those were the rumors going around HAAA! I chose not to answer the question and blew it off. Anyways, he was always very nice and super fun at the moment so I think the personality had me interested.

After HH Ron, Veronica and I decided that we needed some grub and Veronica took it upon herself to invite Lumberjack along with us, which I wasn't a fan of right off the bat, but I went with it. He seemed to be on the same wavelength with me that night because I kept throwin' out movie quotes (again, shocking, I know) and he was keeping up, which always scores major points with me. At the end of the night he asked if he could take me to dinner some night...sure!

A few days later, he calls and asks what I'm up to for the weekend. He says "So, I know you're into movies and such, but I was wondering how you feel about art and culture..." I'm thinking that I don't give a rats ass about art and any idea for a date that begins with that question can not be good. So I ask what he has in mind and he tells me that he wants to take me to this movie screening in Brooklyn (strike 1 already) that his friend is putting on. Keeping an open mind, I agree to go because a) what the hell else do I have going on and b) he'd keep my mind occupied from other idiots. Although, I was wondering what happened to the dinner idea.

Lumberjack calls me and says to meet him at this bar in the city that he's at with his brother, so I go there and he's there in his plaid with his brother and his entire family. Weird. We stay for a few and start driving into Brooklyn. We get to the bar and he starts talking to me about where our ancestors came from, then about the universe, and then he asked me what my symbol was for my birth year on the Chinese calendar. Yes, this was the conversation he chose to have with me. I'm sorry, but I did not see ANY of this crap from him on Halloween, the conversation was much lighter and more fun. What happened to movie quotes and sarcasm?? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for some serious conversation on a date, but this?!?!?!? Then he tells me that we are about to see a silent movie. Did he know me at all? So I did what any girl would have done, tossed back more wine.

Movie starts. We're all standing in this warehouse type place and the movie is all scenes and images from NYC. Everyone is literally standing there in silence and staring at this film like it's the most amazing thing they have ever seen since vodka was invented. What am I doing? Laughing my ass off because it's the most AWKWARD thing I've ever seen. It was the type of awkward like when you're in the elevator with a bunch of people and nobody is talking so you just start laughing. That was me. I just don't get shit like that at all and I certainly am not into discussing "the year of the dog" or whatever.

Hell finally froze over and the movie ended and I had a pretty good buzz going, thank goodness. Since I was kind of stuck in Brooklyn, I figured I'd give Lumberjack the benefit of the doubt and continue onto another bar, but not before we stopped on some street corner to meet up with some of his friends who were just jumping around taking pictures of themselves. Okay, I'll admit it, that was a lot of fun for me to watch since I just came from history class. Then he wants to go back to his place to hang out. Sure, why not? I'm buzzed and bitter from Polly still, so this sounds like the perfect idea.

We get to his apartment. Oh. My. GOD. This place is AWFUL!! I'm not exaggerating when I say that it is 10x10. He had nothing but a bed, a futon and a little TV shoved in a corner. There was no kitchen - apparently he shares it with his neighbors downstairs. He had a mini fridge and that was it. I may as well have been in college again. Now, here's the best part (if you are eating, stop). I use the bathroom...I barely fit in there. I lift the seat up and there is a giant pile of shit just sitting in there. It must have been there all day, I was so disgusted. So, I didn't want to embarrass him so I tried to flush it and nothing happened. Awful, awful, awful. I walk out and don't say anything about it, I just grab a beer, sit on the futon and start thinking about how I'm going to get home. Lumberjack goes over and shuts the bathroom door, most likely because it smelled. There was NO way I was going to take the blame for this, so I called him out:

ME: Do you think I just took a shit in there?!

LUMBER: Kinda smells like ya did...

ME: Um, actually I lifted the toilet seat and there was a huge pile of crap in there. So, no, I didn't.

LUMBER: ...ooooh my god!!! That's terrible!!!

ME: Um, yeah...I'm aware.

A little while after that he starts trying to mess around with me and I kinda just freaked out and told him that it's not happening and that I have to leave. He tries every line in the book to get me to stay and I was just not feelin' it. Can't imagine why! After he sees that his persuasions failed, I was like, dude, I'm sorry but I just have to go. He says: "What are you apologizing for? Laine, it's fine...I know you have issues, it's fine." Jigga WHAT?! Don't tell me I have issues...you wear plaid shirts, live in a dorm room and don't flush your toilet! What is it with guys telling me I have issues when they don't get what they want?! Only I'm allowed to say that I have issues. What a dipshit. I got in a cab and peaced.

Lumberjack called a few days later wanting to take me out again, which didn't happen and then told me that he was leaving for like 4 months or something to travel. Enjoy dude! Enjoy.

Seriously, how do I get myself into these situations?!?

Indian/American Extravaganza!!

Aladdin & Jasmine tied the knot! Twice!

This weekend was the Indian-Greek-Italian wedding and it was just as I expected...one of the most interesting and bad-ass weddings that I've ever been to. I think I could have done without all of the Indian food (thank you a million times, Jasmine, for giving us the grilled chicken option at the reception...saved my life!), but at the same time, I may have lost a pound of two throughout the weekend, so it's all good!

So, I was invited with a date since the only people I really knew well were in the wedding party. Naturally, since I'm forever single and all of my dude-friends are married for the most part and/or don't live anywhere near me, I was going to bring Mrs. Corningstone. That little tramp came down with the flu or SARS or something and could barely walk so she decided not to come at the last minute, which totally sucked! Thank God I went to Jazzy's bridal shower where I met some RAD girls to hang with, otherwise I would have been screwed. I felt like a pretty huge asshole anyway since I had to tag along with this other couple, who probably wanted to kick themselves in the rump's by the end of the weekend since I was with them 24/7. Then I had the "what's with the empty seat next to you?" questions, which just rubbed it in even more. Note to self: never go to a wedding alone when you aren't tight with anyone. Okay, I'm exaggerating (sort of), it wasn't that bad and I totally had a BLAST!! Probably more fun that I have had in a long time!

Friday night was the traditional Garba party, which was basically like another reception before the wedding. There were Indian dances that I attempted to do but could not stay on track for the life of me, so that was a good laugh. My personal favorite was the "stick dance." I don't really know if that's what it was really called, but we danced with sticks (in my head, they were light sabers). Aladdin tried to get me going on this one and I completely missed the sticks half the time (totally 3 stooges style). Hilarious. While these dances were going on, I attempted to eat some Indian food. I'd love to tell you what the hell I ate, but I really have no idea. I do know that it was SPICY as S!!! The spiciest food that I can usually handle is a mild buffalo chicken, so these crazy spices were just not doin' it for me. I mean...at least I wasn't too full where I couldn't fit in my next 97 dresses for the weekend, right?

Saturday morning at 9am was the Indian ceremony. This involved Aladdin (no seriously, he was dressed like Aladdin) and his family gathering away from the ceremony. Aladdin is on a horse and his family is dancing around him and making their way down to the ceremony venue. Apparently, this represents the groom and his family coming in from "the other village to meet his bride and her family for the first time ever" since they used to do arranged marriages. Crazy, right? Imagine if you really had an arranged marriage?! Considering the blind dates that people insist on setting me up with, I'd have serious issues if I had to marry these douchers! Two hours later the ceremony ends and lunch was served...all. Indian. I made an executive decision to skip out on this and go take a nap to recharge my batteries. I couldn't handle anymore curry, etc.

What seemed like 4 days later, Jasmine's ceremony started, which was the American part. Now, I don't know if Aladdin's side had never been to one of these before or not, but they clapped after every bridesmaid walked down the aisle. Like, were they concerned that people wouldn't make it?? I had no idea what was going on...I thought maybe these b'maids were doing performances down the aisle and I missed it or something. Very random.

On to the cocktail hour(s) and reception. WOO!! Jasmine had told me ahead of time that they wanted their reception to feel like a Miami night club, but I guess I didn't really take that as literally as I should have. It really was a club scene all night and it was AWESOME!!! Palm trees, couch set up in front of a waterfall, neon lights, and techno music is what I saw/heard when I walked in and was instantly excited. I know it probably sounds if-y in writing, but here is what it looked like:

Bad. Ass.

Their reception was so much fun because they kept the beats pumpin' the entire time. There was no dinner break. People could eat when they want and dance when they want. There were moments when I had a bite on my fork and a good song came on so I dropped everything and bolted right to the dance floor. I really don't think I left the dance floor now that I think about it! There were no slow songs at all, no breaks between songs, no cheesy weddings songs like "We Are Family" or "Celebrate" or the GD cupid shuffle. It was just straight up good shit mixed in with some Indian songs, which were kind of techno-ish as well!

Unfortunately, the reception had to end. It was a long day....so a bunch of us thought it would be best to probably just go to the hotel bar! The happy couple and I chilled there until 2am, which eventually led to me, once again, getting hit on by some guy who was 10yrs older than me and his friend telling me what all of my dating issues are....which eventually led to me telling him to fuck off. I had been drinking since 6:30pm, was already feeling like a loser for being at this wedding dateless, the last thing I wanted to hear was some mofo, who doesn't know me, telling me why I have issues. Just let me finish my vodka in peace dammit!

All in all, it was an amazing weekend and I'm so glad I got to experience all of it!!

Congrats Aladdin and Jazzy!!!

Birkenstocks

Remember a few days ago when I posted a status on my fb page saying that I appreciate friends who try to set me up with someone that they actually think would be a good match for me, rather than just because they are single? Of course, you do. Well, here is a perfect example of what I'm talking about.

About 5 years ago, when I first moved to NYC, Princess Vespa and her boyfriend were going to a Yankee game and had a couple extra tickets, so they invited me. She also mentioned that a friend of her bf was going to join us and that she thought we would totally hit it off. I already didn't like the sound of this because I just wanted to go to the game and have fun instead of worrying about having to talk to some dude. Unfortunately, this was out of my hands. However, PV and I had been friends for a few years at this point so I figured she probably knew what I liked.

Lesson 1: Never assume that your friends know and/or pay attention to what you like.

Vespa described this guy to be just about my type (at the time, that is...my taste changes a lot). She said he was really fun, good looking, very smart and super "worldly."

Here is what I really got:

We show up to the game and I'm introduced to someone who is shorter than me, has a girl's name, wearing some Yankee gear that did not match his shorts at all, and to top it all off...with BIRKENSTOCKS. Hello, 1996, nice to meet you. I gave Vespa the look of death right then and there.

As the game is going on, Birkenstocks and I are attempting to make small talk. Actually, I am attempting to make small talk since this piece of work couldn't seem to hold a conversation. Somehow we got on the topic of clothes (I'm guessing either PV brought it up, or I was trying to find out his reasoning behind this outfit of his) and he actually says to me: "I have no idea how to dress myself, I'm like a 4 year old and need someone to dress me still." First of all, no shit. Second of all, what do I even say to something like that?! And why are you telling me this??

PV got another look of death.

You're probably wondering where the worldly part comes in. Well, I was wondering that too. He told me that he lived in France for a few months or a year or some shit like that. Uh yeah, that was it. I've been all over the world so this really didn't mean much to me. He may as well have told me that he went to Canada for a week. Don't get me wrong, I get that living in another country by yourself is great and all, but clearly, Birkenstock did not learn much over there considering he still didn't know how to dress himself (or not tell girls that he doesn't know how). Not that I am Miss Fashion Queen of the world or anything, but I care about how I look and know how to dress when I want to look nice. I appreciate a guy who has some clue about that as well. Pick up a magazine, Birkenstocks, please.

Lesson 2: If your friend that is setting you up works in sales and their mind is strictly business all the time, she or he is probably trying to sell some BS to you too.

I really should have realized after this horrendous attempt that PV was probably the worst matchmaker of all time, but I took her up on things once or twice after this. Another time, PV and her boyfriend and yet, another friend of his, were all going out to a club and she, again, said that I would LOVE this guy. This time, I may have liked this one, but I'll never know. Why? Because Princess Vespa was too busy flirting with him...I'm sorry...throwing herself at him the ENTIRE night. I literally didn't speak to him once and left early because I was so annoyed. Don't tell me you want to set me up with someone and then rape him all night. Thanks again, Vespa!!

That is when I realized that she was using her Jedi sales techniques on me and that I was stupid enough to fall for it years ago. PV is in work mode 24 hours a day and she doesn't understand that she doesn't need to sell her shit to me, or maybe it's just that she doesn't understand that I don't fall for Jedi sales tricks. Furthermore, I'm not a prop to throw around to random guys JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE SINGLE. Believe it or not, I have standards! No more, Vespa!! No more!!!

Today's Final Lesson: I've said it a million times, but I feel it's best to reinforce this one...don't let friends set you up unless you see a solid resume and numerous pictures.

Happy Dating Bitches!

(P.S. - Totally random, but my spellcheck totally corrected the word "jedi" by turning into an capital "J" - spellcheck loves Star Wars too!!)

Bridesmaid Dresses Suck

What the shit is up with their sizing methods???

Today I had to go pick up my 9th bridesmaid dress in Jersey (strike 1). Yes, everyone, it was an epic moment. The bride, "Princess Vespa," picked me up and we went to go see this sucker...finally! (Side note: Princess Vespa has had the longest engagement ever...2 years to be exact. When we went to order the first bridesmaid dresses we thought we were getting, the sales lady told us that we weren't even allowed to order them that far in advance since it was a year and half away. Duh! I believe I told PV several times that we were going too early and she insisted that we still go. She also wanted us to buy the shoes before we even knew what dress we were getting. A little psycho...hence the nickname "Princess Vespa")

Now, the first dress we were going to get (74 years ago) was very nice, but a little too expensive. After years of collecting bridesmaid dresses that are literally sitting in my closet collecting dust, I decided a long time ago that I was done dropping $300 on a dress that I'm wearing for one day. So, I told Vespa that I just couldn't swing that kind of dough, nor did I want to, and I sent her a few links to dresses that I thought were just as nice. She loooved this one that I picked out (which worked out well since it was my fav too heh heh) and naturally, it was even MORE expensive (my taste is the shit, what can I say?!), but luckily she got us all the hook-up and got it at a sweet discount.

The measurements. Soooo, I know that bridesmaid dresses all have sizing methods that run really small, but this was just crazy off. I'm also aware that my hips and ass are friggin' huge and I've learned to accept this, but I still can't get my head around the logic this time. I called in my measurements and they told me that I needed a PLUS SIZE. W. T. F. This is how the conversation went:

Me: Hi, I'm calling in my measurements for Vespa's wedding, they are this, this and this (oh right, like I'd tell you what they are ya dips).

Sales Girl I'd Like to Punch: Hmmm, okay....looking at the charts, you are X size on top (which was normal) and XX size on your hips, which puts you between a 16 and 18 and if you go with the 18, you'll have pay an extra $30 since it's plus size.

Me: (silence)......(more silence)......(getting teary eyed).....Uhhhhhh, how the HELL did you figure this if my size on top is normal and the hips are like 40 sizes bigger? And before you answer, I will NOT be going with the 18.

Sales Girl I'd Like to Punch Harder: Well, this designer has really strange sizing...bla bla bla (I totally stopped listening)

Me: Okay, whatever, this is stupid because I know I'm going to be swimming in this when I get it. Put me down for the 16 if you must, but I'm not happy about it.

Now, like I said, I'm very aware of my ghettoness on the bottom half, but I'm no 16...bridesmaid size or not. Not only did I feel like I got kicked in the stomach after this conversation, I then started to think about the alterations and how they are basically going to cost me what another dress costs since they will have to cut out half the thing.

Sure enough, I go there today and the thing is falling off me AND I have loads of room in the hip region. Screw you, Jim Hjelm. Screw you. Thanks for making me order a dress that's way too big for me and paying another arm and leg for alterations. As if these weddings don't cost me enough. (Side note: I totally forgot my b'maid shoes for the alterations today...I was so mad at myself! After all my bridesmaid training, how do I forget something so important?! I think my mind is officially checked out. I'm a dumbass.)

I hate you for life, Jim. Pray that you never meet me.

Richard Gere

I've always loved him. I need to be with a man like him...need I say more? This is what I'm looking for people....find it.


If you must know why, please click on the below link and scroll to the scene between 6:00-6:40:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjl3OcMCxYw

If any of you find a similar man, please send him my resume and phone number and deliver him to my apartment.

That's all I have to say.

Sweet dreams!

First Dates...love 'em

Since I've moved to NYC 5 or so years ago, I have had more dates than I can probably remember. Correction, more first dates than I can remember. There's really not too many times that these dates go to a second or third. Maybe a couple times, but it's very rare that they do. I'd like to blame it on the city of New York for having such douchey(how do you spell "douchy" anyway?) men, but I'm really not sure if that's it. My friends who don't live in the city tell me that NYC is the reason, but that's probably because they have nothing else to give me. As you have read, I attract some real winners. It would be great if someone could tell me why this is. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Naturally, the men usually like me and want to see me again (HA!) and I can't stand them for the reasons that you've probably read about. Most of the time, I choose to block some out (although I'm trying to jog my memory for the purpose of this blog) because either they are so awful or they just did not go the way I thought they went. Mainly, it's because they are the most horrendous dates ever.

The other night I was out with a few friends for someones going away party. I didn't really know the girl who was going away, but crashed the party anyway. It's fine. Some old co-workers were there, including this girl, Outback, with her new husband and his twin brother and WHAMMO! Memory sparked.

Outback and I worked together at my last job and became friends right away, mainly because we started around the same time and the company gave ZERO direction on what to do. However, that's neither here nor there. She was dating her now-husband at the time, so she decided that it would be great to set me up with his twin brother. We started out at the Gansevoort for drinks and then went to another swanky restaurant/lounge. He was good looking and seemed to be pretty normal so, all was going well so far. I had a few drinks (shocker) and continued to order mojitos....I was happy.

Outback and her bf decided to head home around 1 or 2ish and for some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to chill at the bar more with this guy. It was an innocent night of chatting away, so I figured it would nice. Apparently, this stage 5 clinger had a different idea when his brother left. Out of nowhere he was ALL up on my shit. I'm talkin' physicall grabbing my face and forcing it towards him. I wasn't having any of this. I'm not a huge fan of PDA's so I kept pushing him away and making it pretty clear that I wasn't going to sit at this bar and make out all night. How did I make this clear? I f'n told him flat out, of course. He was NOT getting this and I was getting more and more annoyed by the minute.

Finally, I decided that this went south pretty quickly and it was time for me to go home. He tried to convince me to stay for one more drink and by this time, I had already been drinking water for the past 30 minutes. Idiot. I go out to get a cab and he follows to share one with me, which was fine. However, this little sneak gets in the cab first and tells him to take us to his place!!! I butt right in and say "um, no, we're making 2 stops, thanks." After this, he pulls me over to him and is trying to talk me into going home with him or getting me to let him come over to my place. WTF?! Can you stop trying to rape me please? I'm really not in the mood for that buddy. I threw him off of me and booted him out of the cab when we got to his stop and shut the door ASAP (after I took the money for the cab muahahaha).

Clearly, this dude had no idea who he was dealing with. He must be used to dating complete idiots. I went into work the next day and told Outback the story and she was mortified about it. Duh. I did not see him again, until the other night, which was a time frame of about 2 years.

Funny thing about all of this is that not too long after this date occurred, I found out that another friend dated him for a bit! Either she's into that sort of thing, or he learned his lesson, I don't know.

When I saw him at this party the other night, he was all up on this other girl's spit. This girl is a little hussy too (I don't really know her too well, but the few times I've seen her, she's been hanging all over some dirtbag. So, in judgemental Laineland, she = hussy), so he probably got what he wanted...finally!! I'm assuming he hasn't changed.

Can't Make This Up..

Last October, I received a message on facebook from a very distant cousin. Let me repeat...VERY distant cousin. Seeing as I have about 900 cousins, I can't take the time to do the math here, but I want to say she's like my 49th cousin. Who knows, we're Italian, there's a lot of us. I think I've met this girl once and she is 10 years younger than me. Before we get into this, let me just explain what type of person we're dealing with.

Every family has that one family that is a little "off." This girl, "Trailer," got pregnant at 16 (what up Teen Mom!) and then decided to get married as well. I believe she also has a twin sister who, rumor has it, got jealous of Trailer for having kids, so she got pregnant too. Yes, at 16, two years ago, these whacked out girls were excited to have kids. Not really sure where things went wrong in that family. Maybe they made their sauce a little different, I don't know.

Anyshit, here is the message that I received. Obviously, I won't use their real names (and no, I did not change any grammar mistakes...it was just too perfect):

Bobby & Shirley GrandDaughter Trailor One of the Twins and own Twins in the family

my husband as a older brother that is your age and good looking and i think he would look good for you in your life and he work alot and want ot have a family and i would like to know if you would like to meet him at all his name is ghetto thug"

I had to read that first line a good 50 times alone to understand who it was that was writing to me. Not kidding. As soon as I got Ghetto Thug's name, I immediately searched on FB for obvious reasons. Just to give you an idea of what I was expecting, this is Trailer's husband:


After laughing my ass off for about 10 minutes, I gave this stellar opportunity some serious thought, and I decided that I probably can't handle someone with such class. So, I was nice and responded with:

"Hi Trailer!

That's so nice of you to think of me haha! (lie) I appreciate the gesture, but I'm not really interested in dating anyone right now (lie). Plus, I've had really bad luck with blind dates over the years ha! (true)

Hope all is well with you and your family!" (lie)

Probably 3 hours after using a dictionary to figure out what I was saying, she responded with: "ok good luck in years to come."

Fast forward to last night. My normal cousins and I all got together for dinner and I find out more about this odd matchmaking story. Apparently, Trailer never checks her FB...her husband does instead! So, her husband signed onto her fb, searched me out of her friends and wrote to me. CREEPSTER!!!! On top of that, this dude they wanted to set me up with is now IN JAIL. What is he in jail for? Child pornography!!!!!!!

Gee, thanks Trailer. Thanks so much for thinking of me. One question: What about my facebook profile would suggest that I would be into someone like that? If there is something on there that gives away the idea that I love disgusting perverted thugs, please tell me so that I can make the appropriate changes.

Oh, and I did some searching on FB after last night's information came up. Here are my man's stats:

Age: 30 (Sooo he's not really my age ya dipshit)
Info Box: "i am a 30yr old male taking by a woman. i am looking for friends if u like to ok thanks.
Relationship Status: In a relationship (would love to see this girl, and her age)
Bio: i work full time at domino's pizza and i do not smoke or i do not drink only but soda.
Favorite Quotations: do have one
Books: I Do Not Read That Much (no shit)

Clearly, this is the impression I give off to the public...that I'm looking for THIS. Someone tell me what I need to do to change this. WTF!?